Friday Thought : Light up the Room

I love this quote and have been thinking about it all week.

I don't ever want to be the kind of person who makes a decision because I hate another or want them to lose. I want to make decisions based on what is best for those around me because I want us all to win. 

As a quality person, I'm sure that is a no-brainer for you as well.

I do, however, find myself struggling a bit more when the decision could mean I lose, or lose out. Be it in opportunity, favor, or advancement of some sort (position, popularity, financial - whatever), when the fear of loss creeps in, the tendency to hold back suddenly flares up a bit stronger. Suddenly, my selfishness and desire to "win" get pushed to the front of the line. And I hate it. 

So I rebuke it, beat it back and vow to never let it happen again.

Then it does. Again and again. And I hate it. 

Last night,  "A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle," the quote read, "and the room gains everything," I thought. And I was reminded - yet again - of just how powerful purposeful giving can be. Be it time, materials, forgiveness and grace, or simply love, when we give, we do not lose something of ourselves, we simply add light to the room. 

And I love that. 

Lighting up the room . . . That's what I've been thinking about this week. 

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Friday Thought : Get Nervous Again! Make the leap.

When I was a kid, my family (and later my friends) would take weekend getaways to Turkey Run. The hikes were beautiful and the canoe trip was so much fun. Especially when we got to the bridge. 

I don't know how high it is, but I'm confident it's high enough to discourage many from jumping. Or, at the very least, create hesitation. I know I did. Every time, I would stand at the edge, consider it for several minutes, almost jump several times, then eventually leap. It was terrifying. But it was also invigorating. 

And in many ways, that's how I feel about March.

Much like the drive to Turkey Run, at the beginning of the school year, we are excited! We're pumped to meet and teach our students, and we're very clear with them about our norms and expectations. We're also very deliberate in our conversations and holding students accountable.

Then October hits and we plan for Halloween. December brings Christmas parties, January is filled with reunions and re-establishing routines, and February is blah. By March, we expect students to know how to behave, but with the winter months dragging on and on, it seems they - and we - have forgotten how to be. 

We're low on energy. 
I know I am, anyway. Maybe you are too.

This is why I am encouraging us all to Get Nervous Again. Make the Leap!!!

If it's a hard conversation with a student or students that you've been delaying because they should know better . . .  get nervous again and leap! Dive into it.

If you are somewhat snug in your routine of teaching but have something you've wanted to do but just haven't gotten around to it because of this or that excuse . . . get nervous again and try it!

If there is a job you've wanted to pursue, a conversation you've needed to have, or an opportunity you've kept on the shelf, please, get nervous again and leap!

It's always most terrifying right before we jump, a blur as we fall, and rejuvenating once we're done. It's what we talk about for the next year, until we stand yet again on the ledge, wondering if it is worth it. 

Which it is. Every single time. 

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Friday Thought : Single Mothers Need Help, Too

I recently read a short articleAZsdf, “Do it for the Plot.” The article is about purpose. It states, 

"Whatever path we take, we are always confronted with the same question eventually:

Does my path (my life) make a good story? Does my narrative make sense? Is the narrative the one I hoped for, or at least, is it worth telling?

And if the answer is “no,” we are consumed by the regret, disappointment and bitterness of “the unlived life.” If the answer is “yes,” we can at least die knowing we gave it our best shot.

I don't know about you, but I am never content with the idea of leaving life unlived. I want to embrace my experiences, deeply learn from every engagement, and make a difference in the world around me. I want to do GREAT things! This also means I am often discontent. Mostly when I’m tasked with trudging through the mundane or seemingly insignificant tasks for they seem exactly that - mundane and insignificant.

Especially in the development and telling of my good story.

But then, this week, my wife was out of town and I was tasked with caring for our five children. Rather quickly, instead of a #DoGreatThings mindset, I was slowly reduced to a #SimplySurvive mindset. Especially after getting sick. Suddenly, I didn't care about living a good story or changing the world. I simply tried my best not to puke, forget a child somewhere, or lose my patience too quickly. 

And it convicted me. Single mothers need help, too.

We don't need to accomplish big and mighty things in order to have a compelling and purposeful life. We simply need to help. For although we may not tell the story of how we brought dinner to the single mother down the road or share with friends how we covered a shift for a coworker so they could run home and make dinner for their kids, that doesn't mean those stories aren't being shared, that they don't matter.

They may be boring and rather blah stories for us to tell, but for those we helped and served and provided a moment of reprieve for, those simple acts of service are the very moments, the very stories, that encourage and inspire them. They’re the stories that help keep them going. And they are their favorite stories to tell. 

They are also our favorite stories to hear.

Stories of service, when people step into moments of need and give a bit of their humanity remind us that it is the small and simple acts of kindness that move and change the world, not the grandiose. 

Helping the single mother won’t make the local news or circulate on social media. It doesn’t make a good story because it doesn’t change the world. But it can change hers and the little hearts she cares for. It can change their story.

And these moments are everywhere, all the time. But we miss them when we are consumed with our story. When, like the article asks us to, we are more concerned with the plot of our story than we are the characters in it.

For as Chis McCandless, the ultimate adventure-seeker and plot-builder discovered far too late,

happiness - life - things

are only real - only purposeful,

when shared.

Just like a good story.

That's what I've been thinking about this week.

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Friday Though : What we Focus on is what we See.

Just recently, while on a layover at the O’Hare Chicago airport, I overheard a man thanking the gentleman who was cleaning the urinals, and I was jolted for a moment. We don’t often see the man who cleans the toilets. Even less do we hear them thanked for their services.

But in that moment, I was aware of both. I was also suddenly aware of just how clean my urinal was.

On my way out, I too thanked the man for his diligence, and ever since, I’ve been trying to be more aware of those who selflessly and scrupulously serve my school and community, many of whom do so in the dark of the early morning or long after the last student has left for the day. Like the bus drivers who wake up extra early on October winter mornings and ensure our kids get safely and on time.

There are others too, of course. Like the kitchen staff and crossing guards, the engineers or custodians, and of course the office or support staff who are often unnoticed in their efforts because we have become accustomed to their presence and the role they play in ensuring our schools run so smoothly.  They aren’t ignored, but they aren’t fully seen either. Until they are absent. Until the many little things that they do so quietly and without applause or Facebook posts are left undone. Then, suddenly (and continuously), we are reminded that things don’t just happen on their own, that there are people working diligently behind the scenes, and that they desperately matter.

That what I’ve been thinking about this week. What am I focusing on? And what am I not seeing? In my home, my community, and in my school. Who is right in front of me yet not fully seen?

Or, when considering my students, what about them do I focus on (because it is obvious and consistent) yet fail to see? Because yes, that child is frustrating and rude and often struggles to follow our school-wide norms, but is that all that he or she is? Because if that is what I am focused on it will also be all that I see. And they are so much more than those mere behaviors.

For as my good friend recently said, “If all we see is the ugly in a person, we’re not looking hard enough.”

All of this, in a week where I stumbled across the inspiring story of Trea Turner, a baseball player in Philadelphia whose disastrous season was turned around by a standing ovation he did not deserve, have brought me to a goal for the month of November: Acknowledge the behavior; Applaud the potential.

For that student who is a constant disruption, we must focus on the behavior and acknowledge it as inappropriate. But we also need to see their whole person. Their gifts, their hopes, their potential, and we must applaud the hell out of them whenever possible. We must see all of them, and we must choose to love them entirely.

For that student who is excellent. Who gets straight A’s and volunteers for every student-lead club. We need to focus on their behavior and acknowledge its greatness. We need to applaud their potential to impact their community and future world, but we must also see the whole person. Their struggles, anxieties, and fears, and we need them to know that it is safe to be imperfect. We are still there for them, applauding our faces off, because we love them entirely.

For although we are focused on their behavior, we see their entire person. That is our focus for the month of November, and I am so excited to see what will come of it!

Then, just yesterday, on my drive home from a perfectly imperfect educational week, it dawned on me . . . Does this not also apply to my staff? My family? And to the man who cleans the urinals at the airport? Does it not apply the the stranger on the streets or the neighbor across the street?

Does it not apply to the face I see in the mirror, every single friggen morning?

What I focus on is what I see. And I want to be more intentional about seeing so more! About celebrating more, forgiving more, and applauding more. Because that’s what brings us together and inspires people to better. That’s what encourages us to be human.

That's what I've been thinking about this week.

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Friday Thought : Thank you for being brave

I am currently reading, Everything Sad is Untrue, by Daniel Nayeri, and this paragraph has really stuck with me these past few days:

“Does writing poetry make you brave? It is a good question to ask. I think making anything is a brave thing to do. Not like fighting brave, obviously. But a kind that looks at a horrible situation and doesn’t crumble. Making anything assumes there’s a world worth making it for.”

Education is all of this.

To all my educational brothers and sisters, thank you for being brave, for looking at the constant and continuous mess of life (and the lives of those you teach and serve), and for choosing to not let it and you and those around you crumble.

Thank you for being brave, for creating! And for assuming there's a world worth making it all for.

Lastly, a poem, from Everything Sad is Untrue:

That fly

Sailing

On a leaf

Of hay

On a sea

Of Donkey piss

Raised his head

A sea captain

"Obviously the best thing to be in that story is the donkey. But if not that, then the fly who is an adventurer of new lands and not a refugee. But definitely don't be the pee river. And definitely don't be the leaf, wallowing in it."

I'm not entirely sure how this applies to us all, but it seems encouraging . . . and brave. Ten points to the person who can provide a fantastic interpretation of the poem, as related to education. Good luck! And . . . . go!

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

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Friday Thought : Don't Take it Personal. Make it Personal

"Don't take it personal, make it personal."

I gave this advice to a fellow principal a few weeks back. "If we take it personally,” I said, “we get defensive. If we make it personal, we take action. We do what is best."

As educators, we are in the business of taking action, doing what is best for staff and students, and helping others succeed. The problem is, this profession is so personal!

We give up time with our family, pour into other people's kids before our own, and sacrifice COUNTLESS of unpaid hours so that OTHERS may flourish. 

Only we know how much time we spend planning, thinking, and worrying about our profession, our students, so when we are criticized, scolded, offered unsolicited suggestions, or overhear/read unflattering comments about who we are and what we do, it is difficult to not be offended.

When a parent yells or accuses of not caring for their child, we take it personally.

When a Facebook group rants about the decisions we’ve made, we take it personally.

When students refuses to work in our class or asks to be moved from our classroom, we take it personally. 

And when we take it personal, we get defensive. When we get defensive, oftentimes, we lean towards making decisions that are best for us, for our ego, rather than what is best for the parent, the student, the situation.

I know I do, anyway. Because I care so much about what I do and about who I serve, because I know the sacrifices my family makes - the sacrifices I make - whenever I am challenged or criticized, whenever my intention are questioned it is easy for me to get take it personally, to get defensive.

It is easy for me to easily fall into the trap of protecting me.

But then, I am reminded of truths such as this: "A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit in." Said another way, a society grows great when people care more about others than they do themselves. Which, as an educator, is exactly what you do, each and every day.

When we take it personal we get defense, we point the finger, and complain that there is no shade. When we make it personal we take action. We plant trees.

That is what I've been thinking about - and wrestling with - this past week: "Don't take it personal, make it personal."

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Friday Thought : "Liar!" And the shield that protects us.

Yesterday, one of my teachers and I were involved in a phone conversation with a woman who believed something inaccurate about our school and norms. Each time I tried to explain or clarify, the woman on the other end would interrupt by yelling, "LIAR!" 

The conversation ended without much reconciliation or agreement.

Later in the day, my teacher texted me, "I know I shouldn't be, but I'm mad." 

"Don't be:)" I texted back, "Integrity is doing the right thing . . . which we (especially you) have done. False accusations sting, but they are merely that . . . false. Because we (know) we have done the right thing." 

Fortunately for us, we also have documentation.

I share this because, as educators and people who work with people, who experience the valleys and peaks of humanity, and who are required to engage in hard and honest conversations, we are an easy target for false or misleading accusations. And that can be extremely frustrating. Even hurtful.

Integrity, however, is our shield. Not against false accusations, but against fear and uneasiness. Against it ruining our day and the opportunities to impact the people around us. 

We can be mad at false accusations because they hurt, of course they do! (I know I get mad when falsely accused . . . so maybe I need to edit my response to Mrs. Miller:) but we can also be confident. Confident that we have done the right thing, that their accusations will find loose footing, and that we can continue loving and caring and enjoying the people around us. Because that, too, is acting with integrity. 

And that, for me at least, is an encouraging - as well as convicting - reminder.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

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Friday Thought : Why the sound of ripped-up carpet is more important than the carpet itself.

Yesterday, my son sent me this picture with the caption, "Wild {our dog} destroyed the downstairs carpet."

And I was pissed. So was my wife.

Wild is supposed to be an outside dog, but with the weather plunging into the negatives and me not completing her outdoor housing, she has spent time inside. Yesterday, as my wife needed to run out for the day, she put Wild in her kennel. When she returned home and discovered the mess our dog created, Wild was placed outside for the remainder of the evening. 

Later that night, as the temperatures began to drop, Wild was once again brought inside and placed in the entryway where she lay on her blanket. Shortly after, my wife joined her. From the living room couch, I heard her say, "I love you. I'm still mad at you, but I love you."

And two things came to mind.

One, love covers a multitude of mistakes. Even when someone's actions are destructive, hurtful, or upsetting, love allows us to still make the best decision for them, even when we are angry or frustrated at them. As educators, when our students, coworkers, or parents act in a destructive manner, we can still (metaphorically, of course) pet their ears, scratch their bellies, and bring them back inside. Because we love them, and we want what is best for them. (just to be clear, rubbing our students,  staff, or parents’ bellies is NOT an appropriate interaction . . . neither is petting their ears. Letting them inside because it is cold outside probably still holds up).

We don’t have to like someone to do what is best for them. We simply have to love them.

Two, behavior is communication. Wild is an extremely intelligent dog. She clearly and efficiently lets us know when she needs to go to the bathroom, when she's hungry or thirsty, and when there is a potential intruder nearby. However, she struggles to communicate what she is specifically afraid of or worried about. She can’t articulate if she is bored - especially when we are not around to hear - when we are not present.

Our students' or loved ones’ inappropriate behaviors are often frustrating because they are destructive. But oftentimes, they are a cry for help, for understanding, or simply to be seen. They are moments of communication. Even though they are old enough to clearly communicate that they are hungry or need to use the restroom, there are plenty of thoughts, emotions, and feelings that they cannot express. Even when they’re old enough to walk to school, watch rated-R movies, or carry a driver’s license.

When those around us act out or are behaving unlike their typical self, are they trying to communicate a need? A fear? Are they wrestling with something they can’t quite put into words?

And more importantly, are we listening? Are we present? Or, are we fixated on the ripped-up carpet?

Damaged carpets can be replaced or covered by a nearby rug. They are merely things. And things are never more important than the people that damage them. 

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

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Friday Thought : Look Beyond the Problem. See the People.

At times, life gifts us themes. Most often, they come at the appropriate time. Here is been my gifted theme this week. And yes, it has come at the appropriate time.

Monday:

In a conversation with a mentor from Texas (shout out to you, Mr Jeff Springer!), he referenced this scene from the movie Patch Adams:

"Look at me," the old man says. "If you focus on the problem, you can't see the solution. Never focus on the problem, look at me!" When dealing with struggling students or adults, we must choose to "see what everyone else chooses not to see." The person.

Tuesday:

This quote came across my Instagram feed: "If I wanted to ruin you, I would convince you, over a long time, through disappointment and empty promise, that something you think or something you do is more important than the people in your life" - Justin McRoberts

For whatever reason, the people in our lives are the people in our lives. And they are more important than any thing or opinion we might have. For as Justin McRoberts also says, "The person you are talking to is more important than the thing you are talking about. Every time.”

Wednesday:

In a Zoom conversation with an old teacher buddy of mine (lookin at you, Mr Kasey Schurtz!), he said, "Love should look like discipline. And discipline should look like love."

Holding ourselves and others accountable is often uncomfortable, but if done in love (holding their interest above our own), it is necessary, good, and true. For as my mother made me memorize as a child, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails ."

And the same should be said about discipline.

As educators and parents, we are entering the thick and heavy season of academic and change. Our students and children will be growing and learning a TON these next few weeks and months. Which is GREAT! Amidst it all, however, may we never forget the PEOPLE who are around us - staff, students, family members - for they are the reason WHY we are here.

And I have needed that reminder.

This past week, when my schedule has been more full than the minutes allow, when I run from one dumpster fire to the next, from meeting to meeting with side conversations along the way, and as I try and keep a building full of hearts and minds safe and headed in the right direction - all while the needs of family and home are pulling and calling - it is so unbelievably embarrassing how quickly I fall into the trap of Get. Stuff. Done!

And in doing so, I can often forget the people around me.

The one struggling with the weight of a sick parent and hard decisions ahead.
The one wrestling with mountains upon mountains of change, and the struggles it creates.
The one who needs a quick check in and “how you doing? You okay?” but also the brief moment of sitting and actually listening and not anxiously checking the time or text messages.
The one who needs me to sit on the couch and hear her woes and fears of a new season because really, more than anything, she is scared and insecure and doesn’t know or understand her true strength.
And the list goes on and on.

This week, the theme of people has been strong and a bit heavy handed. Which probably means I need the reminder. And more importantly, that I should listen.

Choose to see what others choose not to: the people behind the problem.
Place people above what I think and what I do.
In all things - especially in discipline - choose to love the people who have been placed in my life.

Every time.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

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Friday Thought : What is the Origin?

"What's the origin?"

Oftentimes there are themes to my weeks. Be it from conversations, podcasts, books, whatever, every now and then a very specific theme arises in a short period of time. This past week the theme has been centered on how we interpret the actions of others, and more importantly, how we respond to them.

For me, it is all too easy to fill in the gaps of unknowns with assumptions. When someone says an unkind thing or acts in a somewhat offensive way, I get defensive, argumentative, and - at my worst - judgmental. I fill in what I don't know with what I assume, and falsely attribute someone's actions to their (therefore assumed) faulty character.

Yet, when I dig in, when I sit and chat and seek further understanding, I am often provided an entirely different - and much more accurate - picture of understanding.

In a recent conversation with a friend, he encouraged me to ask and consider, "What is the origin?" of someone's actions, and I have truly appreciated that perspective.

This month, the month of GRATITUDE, one way we can continue to show and pursue a grateful spirit is by appreciating the power and opportunities we have of asking, "What is the origin?"

When a child acts up or lashes out . . . "What is the origin?"

When a coworker responds with sharpness or is curt . . . "What is the origin?"

When a spouse greets us as we walk through the door with a scowl instead of a smile, consider the origin rather than jump to conclusions (Not speaking from experience . . . not at all! ;)

Oftentimes, when we seek to understand the story behind the action, we find that there is a great deal of "shtuff" happening beneath the surface and behind closed doors. When we discover more of the story, oftentimes we find that, instead of frustration, we cling to grace and EMPATHY because - just like us - their intentions were in the right place, they just didn't have the capacity to endure one. more. thing.

And in that, we can all relate.

"What is the origin?"

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

Happy Friday!

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Friday Thought : Show Gratitude; See the Gorilla

In a recent staff meeting, we watched the above video. Then, we talked about gratitude.

A few days ago, I was showing Rick - my lead custodian - the few cracks in our hallways that are in need of some attention. They aren't terrible, but they aren't perfect either. And because they aren't perfect, they can cause students and teachers alike to trip up. Their imperfection draws our attention.

However, they are just a fraction of the hallways. The bulk - almost 100% of the hallways - are great! Yet, how many times have we walked the halls and acknowledged how clean they are? How smooth and reliable they are? How beautiful and encouraging the bulletin boards are?

Not very often.

This week, I have been reminded of how quickly we take for granted the things and people in our lives who do good things, who work hard, and who are reliable, kind, and helpful. Instead of seeing and appreciating the good that is done, we get discouraged by those who are destructive. Instead of focusing on the coming opportunities, we get distracted by the task at hand and the cracks that trip us up.

We can can’t the number of passes made by those in white t-shirts but miss the gorilla.

This month, my school is focusing on the word Gratitude, and what I love about the definition is that it does not merely focus on appreciating the people and things in our lives, but the CHOICE to do so.

Gratitude is choosing to appreciate the people and things in our lives!

As we continue to work hard at completing the tasks before us, as we navigate through or correct the cracks ahead of us, my challenge to you, my staff and students, as well as myself is to not only CHOOSE to see and appreciate the people and things around us but do acknowledge them with a note.

This month, as often as possible, write down the moments, the things, and for sure the PEOPLE who inspire, encourage and support you. Who reminds you of the goodness in life. Who keeps you accountable and heading in the right direction. Who make you a better person.

Let them know they are noticed and appreciated, and that they are making a difference.

Or, as my fifth-grade teachers did, make a poster and hang it in the hallway.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

Happy Friday!

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Friday Thought : Keep Knocking

Several years ago, this letter was sent to one of my teachers. It now hangs, laminated, on the wall next to her computer. Recently, she pulled it down and showed it to me. Then, she told me the story.

This young man was not a great student. In fact, he was a terrible student. Be she loved him, worked with and never gave up on him, even when he didn’t show much growth or change - all year long.

Nor the following year.

Nor the next.

Nor the next.

Then, almost ten years later, the above letter arrived in the mail.

My friend has a phrase, "Just keep knocking." And he reminded me of it again the other day. I shared with him how frustrated I was with a particular student, that no matter what I did or said, I was not getting through. "Maybe it isn't your job to 'get through,'" he said, "Maybe all you need to do is just keep knocking," he said.

And I like that.

Sometimes, it isn't our job to solve the issue. Sometimes we are not the ones who will make the breakthrough. Sometimes all we are tasked with doing is knocking. Over and over and over again.

We can't force people out of bed or off the couch. Nor can we make them answer the door. But we can keep knocking. Which, for many, is precisely what they need - the constant thud of someone knocking on the door, reminding them that they matter, that someone cares, and that they are not alone.

Because here’s what I know to be true:

If we stop knocking, they will never open the door. If we never stop, they might.

And if we knock long enough, I am convinced that they eventually will. And when that happens, it will all be worth it.

Even if it takes ten years.

Thank you, *teacher*, for knocking.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

Happy Friday!

#doGREATthings!

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Friday Thought : The Patience of Repair

Friday Thoughts are back!

After taking the summer off, it’s time to get back into weekly reflections.

But before I do, I wanted to share a quick update. In hopes of exercising my personal discipline of reflection, I have started posting Daily Thoughts, Monday - Saturday. If you’re interested in seeing them, please follow me on Facebook or TikTok.

Now, a Friday Thought:

Often times it feels that things break and crumble much faster than it takes to build them. And that, for me at least, is super frustrating. Especially when it’s something I care about.

Sometimes, our humanity is responsible for the destruction. Be it from our selfish nature or limited understandings, we make decisions that have destructive consequences - for ourselves and for others.

Other times, however, the destruction experienced is just part of life.

Over the summer my son broke his arm. It happened instantly, and for a 15 year old boy who was anxious for the adventures of summer, it was devastating. And not because of the pain, but because of the time it would take to heal.

And he is not alone.

Whenever we experience brokenness, be it of body, mind, or spirit, we - like my son - are eager to heal. And just like my son, we are anxious to heal as quickly as we were broken.

Wendell Berry, the legendary American novelist and poet, understood our desires, which is exactly why he warned us against them.

The temptation for us all is to believe that the solution needs to be as large as the problem itself; that we need a positive and equal reaction to every negative and destructive action.

The problem with this line of thinking, according to Berry, is that large-scale solutions rarely produce the desired and much needed outcomes needed or desired. In contrast, the best solutions are often small and meaningful decisions, made consistently over time. Fast and large reactions often create greater problems. Slow and portioned decisions allow for healing. Just like our human bodies.

As of today, my son’s arm is healed. It took a second to break and over 10 weeks to heal. Which, for many of us enduring our own brand of brokenness, doesn’t seem fair. But that is not for us to decide.

What we can decide is what to do with our time of healing.

We can keep showing up, we can keep trying and stepping out, and we can keep discovering new ways to help and notice others.

It takes a long time to restore things. It takes even longer to restore GREAT things.

But in the end, the wait is always worth it. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

Happy Friday!

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Friday Thought : Making it Personal

“Don’t take it personal,” I found myself saying to multiple teachers this week, and I’ve been wrestling with it ever since.

The first time was with a teacher whom I had to intervene with and step on her toes a bit with a decision she didn’t particularly like. The other was with a teacher who was struggling with a student who was physically and verbally attacking her, “Why does he have to be so cruel?” she said through puddling tears. “Don’t take it personal,” I said to both of them and instantly regretting it because how could they not? As an educator, we pour our lives into this job. We sacrifice family, personal time and finances, we devote our hearts to the people we live with and serve. We give our whole person. How can it not be personal?

This past week, instead of saying or believe that we “shouldn’t take it personal,” I’ve begun to wonder if making it personal is exactly what we should be doing. When it isn’t personal, when its calculated, cold, and non-relational, that’s when bad things happen. That’s when we make decisions that are based solely on budgets rather than considering the people. When it isn’t personal we make decision based on numbers and forget about the people - the very thing we are here to help and serve!

With the first teacher, the one I offended by making a calculated decision, because she took it personal we had to have a heart-to-heart conversation. We had to GET personal. And for almost an hour, we talked out the situation, why it happened, how it could have been handled differently. Then we discussed how to move forward. We BOTH acknowledge our own humanity in the situation and sought to understand the others. We made it VERY personal, which allowed us to reconcile, to connect more sincerely, and to build trust. Because it was personal we dug deeper, cried more tears, and learned a great deal more about each other, our triggers and stressors, and about our person. Because it was personal we can now trust future decisions because we trust the person.

Making it personal allowed us to heal, and to grow.

It also allows room for empathy, as it did for the teacher with her abusive student.

Last week, this particular teacher was in my office several times because a kiddo that we’ve been working hard with was having a difficult week. He was constantly running out of the classroom, was vulgar and disrespectful, and had become increasingly violent with a few students, staff, and particularly this teacher. “When is enough, enough?” She asked, wiping tears from her face, “He’s literally beating the shit out of me.” And he was. But sending him home wasn’t an option. So we continued one, throwing darts of ideas at the wall, hoping at least one would stick.

Then, we had our Christmas concert.

We were nervous about how this young child would do, if he could handle the pressure and the audience, but we decided to try anyway with multiple staff nearby, ready to pounce if ever he needed our support. Which he did. Just not in the way we anticipated.

Throughout the concert, this little man stood on the stage, without moving and without singing, arms crossed, and pouting. Never once did he even mouth a single word to any song. Then, when it was over, when the parents gathered around to take pictures and wrap up their kids in hugs and kisses and praise, this little boy crumbled into his teachers arms and cried. “My parents didn’t come,” he said between sobs.

Later that day, that same teacher was in my office crying again. But not for herself. She was crying for this little child and asking over and over, “What can we do for him?” She could barely control her grief for this child.

After a while, we brainstormed many ideas, but mostly we talked about how she shouldn’t take it personal. “When he goes off, it isn’t about you. He’s reacting to something else.” But like the teacher above, the moment I said it, it felt wrong. Or at least incomplete.

Yes, don’t take it personal in that when someone is unkind or rude, often times, it isn’t about you at all, it’s about something bigger, something more personal to them. Behaviors are often times signs of communication - especially for kiddos - and we shouldn’t take them personal. But yet, we also should take it personal because than we can know best how to act, how to care for and love those in need because we understand what it means to hurt, to suffer, and to need grace and compassion. Taking personal means you can BE personal!

Seeing this young child as a complicated person allows his teacher - allows our school - to game plan ideas and solutions that are PERSONAL to him. Making it personal makes us more invested, more empathetic, and more patient.

On a day when TikTok is advocating “Shoot Up Your School Day,” Seeing the people behind our decisions and at the other end of our actions is exactly what we need in education right now. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. Because then we get to wrestle with the best and most important part of our jobs: the human being stuff.

Don’t take it person. Make it personal.

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