Friday Thought : Show them they are real

Well, I didn't see this coming . . .

A few days ago, my buddy sent me a podcast entitled, "The Year of Taylor Swift." I was incredibly hesitant to listen, but because I trusted him, I decided to give it a listen. 

I am so thankful I did. 

Even if you are not a Swifty, her story of struggle, success, transparency, and brilliance is deeply intriguing. It is her ability to connect with millions of devoted fans, however, that is most impressive. If not convicting. 

Near the end of the episode, after the hosts walk us through her journey of success, betrayal, and redemption, they say this:

"Show somebody that they are real and you'll have them for life."

And I can't stop thinking about it. 

When sitting with my oldest daughter and she is expressing her frustrations and concerns about life, basketball, and our parenting, more often than not, my first inclination is NOT to be patient. Nor are my first words always helpful. Which is why she gets frustrated, quiet, and sometimes distant. 

Showing her that she and all of her middle school-sized emotions and fears are real is what brings her close, what opens her up to thoughts and input, because they are what make her feel loved, feel seen. It's what makes her feel real. 

When a parent calls and accuses me of "targeting {their} child" or "doing nothing" about the bullying their daughter is experiencing, often I want to defend, explain, and provide the bigger picture. Every time, it doesn't work. Not if it is my initial reaction, anyway, or my sole objective. Because it only validates what they already believe: that I don't see them. 

Allowing them to be frustrated, however, and affirming that what they are struggling with (even if I don't understand) provides them with what they need: an opportunity to be heard, to be real. And once that has been established, they are willing to accept a slightly different perspective of the situation. Because they trust us. 

And when they trust us, we have them for life. 

Dang. An episode about Taylor Swift . . . I did not see that coming. 

That's what I've been thinking about this week.

#doGREATthings!

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Friday Thought : Why the sound of ripped-up carpet is more important than the carpet itself.

Yesterday, my son sent me this picture with the caption, "Wild {our dog} destroyed the downstairs carpet."

And I was pissed. So was my wife.

Wild is supposed to be an outside dog, but with the weather plunging into the negatives and me not completing her outdoor housing, she has spent time inside. Yesterday, as my wife needed to run out for the day, she put Wild in her kennel. When she returned home and discovered the mess our dog created, Wild was placed outside for the remainder of the evening. 

Later that night, as the temperatures began to drop, Wild was once again brought inside and placed in the entryway where she lay on her blanket. Shortly after, my wife joined her. From the living room couch, I heard her say, "I love you. I'm still mad at you, but I love you."

And two things came to mind.

One, love covers a multitude of mistakes. Even when someone's actions are destructive, hurtful, or upsetting, love allows us to still make the best decision for them, even when we are angry or frustrated at them. As educators, when our students, coworkers, or parents act in a destructive manner, we can still (metaphorically, of course) pet their ears, scratch their bellies, and bring them back inside. Because we love them, and we want what is best for them. (just to be clear, rubbing our students,  staff, or parents’ bellies is NOT an appropriate interaction . . . neither is petting their ears. Letting them inside because it is cold outside probably still holds up).

We don’t have to like someone to do what is best for them. We simply have to love them.

Two, behavior is communication. Wild is an extremely intelligent dog. She clearly and efficiently lets us know when she needs to go to the bathroom, when she's hungry or thirsty, and when there is a potential intruder nearby. However, she struggles to communicate what she is specifically afraid of or worried about. She can’t articulate if she is bored - especially when we are not around to hear - when we are not present.

Our students' or loved ones’ inappropriate behaviors are often frustrating because they are destructive. But oftentimes, they are a cry for help, for understanding, or simply to be seen. They are moments of communication. Even though they are old enough to clearly communicate that they are hungry or need to use the restroom, there are plenty of thoughts, emotions, and feelings that they cannot express. Even when they’re old enough to walk to school, watch rated-R movies, or carry a driver’s license.

When those around us act out or are behaving unlike their typical self, are they trying to communicate a need? A fear? Are they wrestling with something they can’t quite put into words?

And more importantly, are we listening? Are we present? Or, are we fixated on the ripped-up carpet?

Damaged carpets can be replaced or covered by a nearby rug. They are merely things. And things are never more important than the people that damage them. 

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

#doGREATthings!

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Friday Thought : Why what doesn’t matter is really what matters most

I love this comic strip because it is a constant reminder to me, as a parent and as an educator of small children, that just because the passage of time has enlightened or dulled me to things that truly hold value, when it comes to caring for a child's heart, it doesn't matter what I think.

If it is valuable to them, it is valuable to me.

I want my kiddos to feel valued. I want them to feel loved. So I work hard for them, I hold them accountable to what is good and right and true and try my best to teach them about life. I buy them the clothes they need, the food they eat, and make sure our house is warm and safe.

Which is good.

Sometimes, however, what they really need from me is to sit on the couch and talk about things that don't matter, that don't carry much value.

Sometimes what they need is for me to investigate and be awed by their simple creations that, in the scheme of life, mean very little and carry no value.

Sometimes what they want is for me to understand that just because I'm old and bald and they’re not doesn't mean their hurts and pains, passions and celebrations - their stuffed tigers - don't matter. Because they do. If only because it matters to them.

Because If I care about their little hearts and minds, I care about the things they consider valuable.

And the same applies to adults.

No matter our age, we want to know we are thought of, cared for, and supported. We want to know that we are known!

Like when Ross from Friends bought Phoebe her first ever bike.

Phoebe doesn’t care about the bike, necessarily, because if she really wanted one she could have purchased one (at this point in her life, anyway). What she really cares about and why it is the best present ever is because of the heart behind the purchasing of the bike. Ross cares for Phoebe so he hears her story, takes it to heart, and does something about it!

He cared about what she considered valuable not because it was, but because she is. And that, at the end of the day, is what really matters.

Recently, where this has been most convicting is that if I don’t care about the things that matter to people, if I don’t handle information about them that is deep and personal and of value in a way that cares for them and protects them, I can lose my relationships with them. If I abuse my position by NOT acting upon what I know, I lose my right to be a voice and be an influence in their life.

When I know something is of value I have a responsibility to handle it with care. If I don’t, it is easily perceived and interpreted as not caring for the person.

No matter how big or small, if it’s a value to them, it should be of value to me.

That is what has been on my mind lately.

Happy Friday!!!

#DOGREATTHINGS!!!

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Friday Thought : Evolving, not Revolving

Often times, themes present themselves in my life. When they do, they pop up, almost overwhelmingly, in a variety of ways: conversations and tv shows, books and podcasts, songs, and Saturday morning fires.

Most recently, the theme of growth has come to the forefront. Most notably, the concept of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is hard. Both in asking for it and receiving it because they both demand something from us. If we need forgiveness, we must admit we’ve done something wrong, giving up our ego, our pride, maybe even our stature (at least we think so, anyway). To provide forgiveness means giving up payment or revenge - we incur the debt owed, rather than enforcing it.

Forgiveness is also beautiful. It reconciles relationships and springs forth life and opportunity - it is the catalyst to evolving. As individuals and as a community.

"It’s easy to make a prison out of our pain, out of the past” Dr. Edith Eva Eger writes in The Choice: Embrace the Possible, because it allows us to hold onto our victimhood and be in control. Forgiving others who have caused the pain means letting go of our hope and desire for justice. It means letting go of our longings for revenge.

“At best,” Dr Eger continues, “Revenge is useless. It can’t alter what was done to us, it can’t erase the wrongs we’ve suffered, it can’t bring back the dead. At worst, revenge perpetuates the cycle of hate. It keeps the hate circling on and on. When we seek revenge, even nonviolent revenge, we are revolving not evolving.”

The only way to stop the revolving - in our lives as well as in the lives of those around us - is to forgive. Even when those who have hurt us don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. And that, for me at least, is one of the hardest things to do. If not impossible.

But that’s where the theme has hit me. Not on the importance of forgiveness necessarily, but on how to forgive, presenting itself in three truths:

1. Allow space to grieve. “For what happened, for what didn’t happen - and to give up the need for a different past. To accept life as it was and as it is” (Dr. Eger). This one is tough because grieving - to me at least - means thinking about what happened, reliving events, and letting “them” win. But it doesn’t. And they don’t. An essential part of forgiving is to acknowledge all that needs to be forgiven, that the burden of hurt and grief and anger is heavy, and that we are willing - even begrudgingly so - to lay it down at their feet. For then and only then are we able to truly begin the process of evolving.

1. Allow space for the bigger story : When someone does us wrong it is easy to define them only as that wrong. They are no longer a complex person with gifts and talents and a few fallibilities (just like us), they are cowards, betrayers, and terrible people. They are suddenly holistically and completely bad. Which makes it easy to hate them and wish sweet revenge. An essential component to forgiveness is allowing their failures to exist in isolation. In that moment they were flawed, or in that moment their weaknesses came through, or in that moment (or string of moments) their ugliness was on display. But they can still do good things. There are very few Hitler sort of people in this world, and allowing space for people in our lives to not be Hitler also provides space for them to be good people who do good things and, by and large, want to make the world a better place. They just really suck or fail miserably at times. But not all times. And seeing them in that way allows for the door to forgiveness to open. Even if just a crack.

2. Allow time for the wave to build. This image, from one of my favorite Instagram/bloggers says most of what needs to be said:

@semi_rad

We don’t need to holistically forgive in one moment. We don’t need to invite those who have hurt or scarred us over for dinner, plan a Christmas party together, or pretend that all is fine and dandy. Because it’s not. But it can be, someday. But only if we start with small acts.

Why not start today?

Friday Thought : The October Double Stretch!

As an educator, we there is a routine to how the year goes.

August is a shedding of summer. Like a snake shedding its skin, we spend the first few days/weeks of school shedding off old habits and creating new ones.

September is paving the road. In preparation for the year, the journey ahead, we spend a great deal of time in September installing and ensuring norms and procedures for our kiddos. Learning is still happening, just as people can still travel during road construction, it just isn’t smooth yet because the road isn’t fully paved. Just like learning in the month of September.

November is kicked off by a Halloween celebration. Then, it seems, everyone is in a progressive shutdown mode for Christmas break. With the invasion of holidays and Christmas concerts, class parties and the like, there just never seems to be a full week of intense, all-out instruction,

Which is why we have October.

In the month of October, the road is finally paved and there are minimal interruptions. It is a perfect month for a Double Stretch.

At times, we need to put forth a little extra, reach slightly further, and endure a little more. Our bodies are used to this. Like when we need to reach for that jar of cookies or box of Mac and Cheese that is just out of reach, somehow, we reach a little further and grab it! We double stretch.

For the month of October, find ways to give just a little bit more. As an educator you already give a lot, but where can you stretch slightly further? We can’t always live like this, with our arms and minds and bodies stretched to its fullest, but we can every now and then. October is one of those “then’s.”

Where can you put forth a bit more in your lesson? In an activity that you’ve been thinking about doing? In a relationship with a student or staff? Where can you improve your own mind or heart by giving just a bit more this month? How can you improve someone else’s life by doing just a bit extra?

Where can you double stretch this month?

Friday thought : Love what they love

I follow @calvinhobs1990 on Instagram, and the other day they posted the above strip and I swear I about broke down in tears. Good. Gracious. What a powerful reminder, as a father, husband, friend, teacher, principal, person - whatever. 

Sometimes, often times, I get stuck in my world. I notice what I notice, place emphasis on what I think important, and ignore (or push aside) the things I think less important. Forgetting that, for others, what I think has little or no value is EVERYTHING to them. And when I neglect or wave off that thing, it isn't that thing I am waving off, it is them. 

Sometimes, often times, what allows us to break through barriers and gain trust or love or respect from another is not based so much on how we act or what we say, but how we treat the things that matter to others. Everyone, I think, feels love and respected when someone loves and respects the things are hearts are wrapped around. Be it dreams, experiences, ideas, identities, or even things.

I know I'm guilty of this. Of losing relationships, potential relationships, and of damaging current ones because I don't treasure or respect their prized possession. 

My grandmother said it plain. "Love what they love, and they'll never fear you. They’ll trust you." Or, as Robert Duvall said in the classic 90's movie Phenomenon, "He bought her chairs. Have you ever bought Lisa's chairs?"

As we wrap up September and head into October, consider how you can invest in someone by loving what they love. A student, a colleague, a friend, whomever. How can you "buy their chair" and gain their trust, their friendship, their respect?

How can you build a relationship by caring for something as small and "worthless" as a stuffed tiger?

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