Over the past few weeks, I’ve had several hard conversations. As a boss, with my boss, with parents, as a parent, and with my wife. Surrounding these conversations, two quotes from my morning readings have stood out.
The first:
"For a truth to be heard, it must be spoken with kindness. Truth is kind only when it is spoken through your heart with sincerity. You should know that when a message you convey to another person is not understood by him {or her}, at least one of the following things are true: what you have said is not true, or you have conveyed it without kindness." - A Calendar of Wisdom, Leo Tolstoy
And:
“A word from you is twice as severe because it comes from you.” - Too Late the Phalarope
We all play so many roles. We are husbands and wives, friends and colleagues, bosses and mentors, mothers and fathers. Each role carries with it the weight of responsibility and power, for when we speak, it isn’t just the words that people hear, it is who we are that people hear. A word from us is twice as severe - or inspiring - because it comes from us!
Which means three things:
When a wrong must be made right, don’t hold your tongue. We have been placed in our various positions for such a time as this, and it is not to remain silent. We must speak up and speak out! But when we speak, our words and intentions must be filtered through the following:
Is it true? Have I investigated the situation and given benefit of the doubt? Am I going to the source, or acting on hearsay? Is what I am doing right?
Are my intentions kind? Is my goal to improve the situation and the person? Or do I hope, in some small or large way, to destroy? Am I defending myself or caring for another?
How will my role impact my message? Will my position cause fear or anxiety? And if so, how can I soften the message? How can I ensure my position is not overwhelming or overbearing? And if needed, should someone else be the messenger?
When a wrong must be made right, don’t close your ears. When WE are on the receiving end of uncomfortable or even unjustified criticism it is easy to get defensive, to conjure up excuses, or worse, destroy the messenger. Instead of listening, we belittle the person bringing the criticism. Instead of listening, we attack the person and ignore the message. Which, as leaders, has two devastating consequences:
First and foremost, if we fall into the trap of attacking the messenger rather than hearing the message, we don’t learn or grow as a person. Even when we feel - even when we know - the accusations or criticisms are wrong, we must continually try our best to look past the words and hear the message. We can do better, always. Even when we don’t feel like it.
“To grow in confidence, connectedness, and success, you have to admit for all to hear that you are a failure” - Leading with a Limp
The second devastating consequence of closing our ears to criticism is that we lead by example. And if we are unable to hear how we can do better, if we defend ourselves or flex our authoritative muscles, not only will we stunt our ability to grow and develop as a leader, we will severely cripple the growth of those around us. Be it our families, our circle of friends, or our schools, if we - the leaders - are unable to make right that which is wrong, why would anyone else?
”To the degree you face and name and deal with your failure as a leader, to that same extent you will create an environment conducive to growing and retaining productive and committed colleagues” - Leading with a Limp
When a wrong HAS BEEN MADE right, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate! This is always a conviction of mine and where I desperately need to do better. I don’t think of the tires on my vehicles until they are flat, I don’t consider my internet until it doesn’t work, and I often overlook the joys and blessing and GREAT things of those around me until they are gone. Celebrating others, their actions and reactions, their person and their influence not only encourages them to keep doing GREAT things, it can often build a foundation of trust for those hard conversations. I’ve been reminded of this lately, and it is something I most definitely need to improve on.
“In the deserted harbour there is yet water that laps against the quays. In the dark and silent forest there is a leaf that falls. Behind the polished panelling the white ant eats away the wood. Nothing is ever quiet, except for fools.” - Cry, the Beloved Country
In whatever role you find yourself in, don’t be silent. Speak up, encourage those around you to be better, and be the example of how to be better!
And when you speak, speak in truth, with kindness, and be quick to celebrate, celebrate, celebrate!!!
This is what has been on my heart lately.
Happy Friday!!!
#doGREATthings!!!
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