Friday Thought : Build Trust. Ask for help

I'm a huge Simon Sinek fan. And recently, I was affirmed, yet again, of why. 

"We don't build trust by offering help," which is what we - or at least I - tend to think. Instead, we "build trust by asking for {help}" (via).  This can seem contradictory because asking for help makes us feel incapable or incompetent.

And there's probably some truth to it. But it's an incomplete truth.

Think about the last time someone you know and love was in pain, suffering through a task, or carrying a burden too big for their shoulders, and they didn't ask you for help. They endured on their own, in silence, or even called someone else because they didn't want to bother you. How did that make you feel? 

I know I often feel frustrated and sad they didn't call. I also feel disconnected. "I guess we aren't as close as I thought we were," I think. And the wedge begins to dig in.

Think about our students. If they are struggling but don't ask for help, how often do we think/say, "Why didn't you ask for help?" Oftentimes, it's because they either feel too embarrassed (which we think is silly) or they don't trust us. Either way, asking for help is a sign of trust, as well as an invitation to earn it. 

In a school - a community - where we want to support one another, encourage and uplift each other, and build trust amongst each other, one of the best ways we can do that is by opening ourselves up, being vulnerable with our needs, and asking for help. By trusting others to handle scary or embarrassing situations with dignity and kindness.

As we head into the holiday season, as life for many of us continues to throw nasty punches, and as we all try to do our best on any given day, please PLEASE do not endure the burden of loneliness - do not consider yourself and your needs a burden on others. Rather, help us grow in trust with each other by asking for help! Not only will you receive it, but those who care and love you will also be blessed that you asked. 

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

#doGREATthings!

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Friday Thought : You Belong Here

*Ignore the typo in the images above. . . they have been fixed for the ordered banners:)

As educators, we are continually existing in two communities: the community we try and create for our students, and the community we try and create with our staff. And although there are a few distinct needs between the two, there is also a great deal of overlap. Most notably, the need for belonging.

This coming year, my school’s theme is, “You belong here” which I stole from a principal friend down in Texas, Mr. Martin Silverman, and I just love it.

Then, after listening to a podcast interview with Superintendent Kristi Dominguez entitled, “Building Belonging,” I am fully convinced of the power and purpose of its message.

Especially when the emphasis shifts:

YOU belong here : you BELONG here : you belong HERE!

Each word highlights a very different, very crucial component to being and feeling part of a community. Of belonging.

Here’s what I mean:

“YOU” emphasizes the uniqueness you bring.

You belong here, in this community. Your unique identity, your convictions and passions, your gifts and talents, and the experiences you bring - whatever makes you uniquely you - belong here. Your way of thinking refines our way of thinking, your perspectives complete our perspectives, your whole person (failure and quirks and all) helps create a more holistic and healthy community. YOU is what you bring, and you is what belongs.

“BELONG” reminds us we are part of a community

When we belong to a community we shoulder responsibility for it. We work hard to improve it, personally care for it, and passionately protect it. We invest in it. We pour our identity into it and in return gain identity from it, allowing us to do some pretty GREAT things! Largely because we are not alone. In our endevears, our dreams, or our hardships.

"Humans don’t mind hardship," Sabastion Junger writes," in fact, they thrive on it; what they mind is not feeling necessary." And when you belong, you are and feel necessary. And you are necessary because you BELONG. 

“HERE” is the call to action.

For whatever reason, you have been placed here, in education, in your school, with your students, for this time. And although The Powerful Play will indeed go on for them all as they transition to other schools and various journeys, for right now, you have been tasked with caring for your students, with your staff, in your community.

And they need you.

They need us, all educators everywhere, in all of our faults, insufficiencies, talents, and glories because we are here. We have been provided with this beautiful task of caring for and protecting these students, here and now.

Be it our first year here or our 30th, we have been given this time, this school year, to work with students, embrace our staff, and impact our surrounding communities.

We belong here! YOU belong here!

Let’s ensure our students and fellow staff members know they belong here, too.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

#doGREATthings!

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Friday Thought : Engage in Idea conflict before they become People conflict

The other morning I was listening to an At the Table Podcast episode entitled, Artificial Harmony, and was deeply struck by the statement: “When we fail to have conflict around ideological issues - when we disagree on things - it eventually ferments into conflict around people, and that’s how we crush human beings.”

For instance. Imagine sitting in a room of fellow educators - teachers, admin, whomever - with the task of solving the problem of attendance. If someone (Jim, let’s him) throws out an idea that is perhaps bad or incomplete, and the group doesn’t acknowledge it as such because there they fear ideological conflict, they invite the more dangerous and destructive future conflict that will be centered around people.

Because no one challenged or questioned Jim’s idea but instead encouraged it with a, “Yeah, that might work,” even though everyone knows it won’t work, or at the very least has some questions about it, two things happen:

One, if the idea is never implemented because everyone outside of Jim knows it won’t work, suddenly Jim feels like his coworkers - his boss - don’t care about his opinions. “Why does Mr. Miller ask for my opinion anyway, he never hears it.” Because no one engaged in his idea, he now has a conflict with the PEOPLE he works with. And if we avoided engaging in Jim’s idea because it was considered uncomfortable, why would we engage in the people conflict? And the snowball of conflict and division gathers speed.

The other potential problem that could arise is that Mr. Miller and the staff actually do implement the idea, but because everyone was too concerned with avoiding the ideological conflict and therefore didn’t push in, ask questions, or refine the thinking, it doesn’t go great. Mistakes are made because of oversight, people are frustrated because of confusion, and suddenly - and rather naturally - people are to blame (either Jim, Mr. Miller, or both) and the conflict becomes a personal conflict rather than an easier more manageable ideological conflict.

I have seen this happen, over and over again. And if I am honest, it often occurs because I am too cautious about saving the group from the discomfort of ideological conflict or I’m too nervous that I won’t be able to navigate the staff safely through it. Both of which are fair concerns, neither of which is best for the culture of my school, my marriage! or my friendships.

Appropriate conflict is good and we need to have more of it. We also need to ensure that it is intentional conflict, safe, and beneficial. And to do that, we need to do our best to engage in conflicts about ideas rather than people.

Idea conflicts talk about the problem, the task at hand. They are constructive and help us grow and change and improve. They are uncomfortable but they are also more manageable and most often productive.

People conflicts are destructive. They are personal, deep, and often unfair because the task is no longer about solving the problem at hand, it’s about defending our pride, our pain, and the fear of being misunderstood.

Idea conflicts are external; people conflicts are internal. Idea conflicts solve problems; people conflicts create them.

And I need to be better at engaging in idea conflicts to help save and protect my staff (and myself) from having to survive people conflicts.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

#doGREATthings!

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Friday Thought : Three with Empathy

“Three with Empathy”

In a recent podcast, a friend shared this phrase with me, and I love it.

Whenever he engages with a student or staff member, he reminds himself to be present in the conversation and with that person by focusing on Who they are, How they are, and What they need.

With my school’s theme this year of, "Don't Miss Out! : Be Present," not only were his words applicable, they were also deeply encouraging and convicting.

Who are You?

When engaging in a conversation, what can I learn about WHO they are? And how might that understanding help me gain empathy towards them and their situation (what is the origin?)?

• How many siblings do they have?

• What was their childhood like?

• Are they financially stable or currently struggling to pay the bills?

• Is anyone in their immediate family sick or battling with chronic illness?

• Is their spouse employed? Happy in their employment?

Their life outside of work deeply impacts who they are when they come to work. Understanding WHO they are provides us insights into how we can help, where to support, and where to give grace.

How are you?

Instead of simply joking around or talking shop, have I truly asked How people are doing? And have I allowed time or space for them to answer?

I was recently told by a teacher that sometimes she feels that “What I share goes in one ear and out the other.” And she wasn’t wrong. Although it was hurtful to hear (because I had been intentionally checking in on her), I needed to hear it because it was how she was doing. Life had been hard, really hard, for this teacher and she had shared some of those struggles with me. She let me know HOW she was doing. And I dropped the ball a few times. I allowed the business of the day to invade my clarity and forgot to check back in.

Asking people “How are you” often invites a shallow response because people are accustomed to their words going in one ear and out the other. Allowing enough time and space to hear the answer - even a difficult one - is crucial to engaging empathy. So too is ensuring that we head back to the person, the conversation, and reengage with HOW they are doing.

What do you Need?

Asking, "What do you need" is an easy question to ask, and I often do, but where this question has convicted me (in relation to empathy) is understanding that people don't always need a task completed or a job done . . . sometimes, we just need an empathetic ear, with no plan to fix anything, just listen. And if I'm truly listening, I hear WHO they are and HOW they are doing. I gain understanding. Which almost always opens the door and makes room for more empathy. Which is exactly what everyone NEEDs.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week.

#doGREATthings!

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Friday Thought : Why what doesn’t matter is really what matters most

I love this comic strip because it is a constant reminder to me, as a parent and as an educator of small children, that just because the passage of time has enlightened or dulled me to things that truly hold value, when it comes to caring for a child's heart, it doesn't matter what I think.

If it is valuable to them, it is valuable to me.

I want my kiddos to feel valued. I want them to feel loved. So I work hard for them, I hold them accountable to what is good and right and true and try my best to teach them about life. I buy them the clothes they need, the food they eat, and make sure our house is warm and safe.

Which is good.

Sometimes, however, what they really need from me is to sit on the couch and talk about things that don't matter, that don't carry much value.

Sometimes what they need is for me to investigate and be awed by their simple creations that, in the scheme of life, mean very little and carry no value.

Sometimes what they want is for me to understand that just because I'm old and bald and they’re not doesn't mean their hurts and pains, passions and celebrations - their stuffed tigers - don't matter. Because they do. If only because it matters to them.

Because If I care about their little hearts and minds, I care about the things they consider valuable.

And the same applies to adults.

No matter our age, we want to know we are thought of, cared for, and supported. We want to know that we are known!

Like when Ross from Friends bought Phoebe her first ever bike.

Phoebe doesn’t care about the bike, necessarily, because if she really wanted one she could have purchased one (at this point in her life, anyway). What she really cares about and why it is the best present ever is because of the heart behind the purchasing of the bike. Ross cares for Phoebe so he hears her story, takes it to heart, and does something about it!

He cared about what she considered valuable not because it was, but because she is. And that, at the end of the day, is what really matters.

Recently, where this has been most convicting is that if I don’t care about the things that matter to people, if I don’t handle information about them that is deep and personal and of value in a way that cares for them and protects them, I can lose my relationships with them. If I abuse my position by NOT acting upon what I know, I lose my right to be a voice and be an influence in their life.

When I know something is of value I have a responsibility to handle it with care. If I don’t, it is easily perceived and interpreted as not caring for the person.

No matter how big or small, if it’s a value to them, it should be of value to me.

That is what has been on my mind lately.

Happy Friday!!!

#DOGREATTHINGS!!!

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Friday Thought : Dance Alone. Start a Movement.

It’s so easy to be discouraged because there are so many things that are discouraging.

Family and friends can discourage. So too can co-workers, bosses, and those we serve. Through false accusations, unmet expectations, or the myriad of other ways humans can let us down, we can easily and continuously be discouraged by those around us.

But we can also be inspired.

I’ve shared this video with students before, and when asked, “Why is the person filming this,” the response is something like, “To make fun of him.” And they’re right. Whoever is filming the Sasquatch Dancer doesn’t find him cool or awe inspiring.

But that is exactly what he becomes.

I don’t know how long the Sasquatch Man danced before the video started, but I speculate it was a decent while. Long enough, anyway, for the person with the phone to take notice and pull out their phone.

Whatever the time, after 16 seconds of video, he dances alone. Then finally, someone joins in.

And this is where it gets interesting.

Once the second dancer appears, a shift occurs. Suddenly, and ever so slightly, the audience - including you and me - connects with the two dancers. We are still laughing at them and are perhaps even a bit uncomfortable, but our hearts and minds move from judgement to a sort of strange support. Suddenly, Sasquatch Dancing Guy is no longer weird, he’s enduring. All because someone joined him.

Then, together, they dance. For almost another 20 seconds before someone else joins in. Then someone else . . . Then two more . . . Then a small crowed.

Then people begin to cheer.

After almost 90 seconds of dancing . . . the movement begins.

Then suddenly, like a mad rush of bison across a prairie, those who were once lounging and watching, recording and judging, are now running towards the Sasquatch Dancer, eager and excited to join in!

And they just keep coming . . . and coming . . . and coming!

I love this video and turn it on every so often, just to be inspired. My most recent watch, however, had me considering the impact of dancing and how our actions, both big and small, can start a movement. Three simple truths come to mind.

One: It’s Okay to Dance Alone.

When we dance with conviction, when we step out in faith and passion and do what we think is good and right and true, oftentimes, we might have to do it alone. Even worse, we might have to do it under watchful and judgmental eyes because stepping up and standing out draws the attention of others. Especially judgmental others. But if we hold true and stay steady to our beliefs and convictions - if we keep dancing amidst the snickers and side conversations - not only do we live a life of integrity, we open a door to the possibility of change. Because in order to start a movement we need people moving. And in order for people to move, someone needs to join.

Two: When You Join the Dance You Bring the Party.

The second dancer is crucial to the movement because he gives permission for others to join. He, more than Sasquatch Dancer, is similar to those sitting on the lawn because not so long ago he was one of them, sitting on the lawn, and not dancing! So when he joins, those nearby see themselves in him and begin to wonder . . . should we dance too? Can we?

And after a few more join, suddenly there is safety in numbers and the movement is underway. All because Sasquatch Dancer #2 was willing to join in..

This is the power of support. You don’t need to know exactly what to do or how to do it. You just need to show up and dance alongside the one who is leading the way. For although they may have started the movement, they need support. They need you to bring the party.

Three: Lose the Fame, Share the Frame.

Rather quickly, the Sasquatch Dancer is no longer visible because the crowd is just too big. And this moment, for me at least, is crucial because it is the manifestation of why we choose to dance: to inspire change.

In the end, maybe no one will remember our name, the things we did, or the fact that we were the first to dance. Maybe, when our time comes to an end, no one will applaud our work or pin a metal to our breast. Maybe no one will thank us for our service.

And if they don’t, does that mean we failed? Does that mean it was all a waste of time? Does that mean it wasn’t worth it?

I certainly hope not.

Do you think the Sasquatch Dancer is angered by this video and the fact that his name is never mentioned?

I doubt it.

For even though we all want to be acknowledge for the work we do and sacrifices we make, more importantly than that, we want our lives and actions to matter. We want to make a difference. And often times - and probably more times than not - in order to do so, we need to lose the fame and share the frame. Its about the party and the dance and those who run down the hill to join, not about who started it.

But first, someone needs to start it.

If you have an idea, a conviction, or an itch of a thought that you’ve been eager to get started, then brother or sister, put the phone away, get up off the lawn, and start dancing. People are eager to join movements that matter, they just need someone courageous enough to show them how.

Are you ready to start dancing?

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Humanity  :  Friday Thoughts

P.S. Malcolm Gladwell has a similar discussion on Mob Mentality. You can watch it here.

Friday Thought : Who's Your Sleeper?

We are more than who we are. Sometimes, however, it takes another person - a friend, a teacher, colleague, or even stranger - to help us understand that.

While in High School, my senior year English teacher Mr. Huber told me I was a “good writer,” even though I was about to graduate with a 1.4 GPA. I was a terrible student, but he saw something in me, spoke into it, and instantly changed the course of my life.

One of the greatest gifts we can give people is telling them what we see in them and why they matter.

No matter who we are or who they are.

When was the last time you sat someone down and told them how important they are? What you appreciate about them? Or a vision you have for them?

When was the last time someone did it to you? I bet you can remember those times, and can probably draw a line from that conversation to who you are today. I know I can.

So why are we not doing it more often? With our colleagues? Our friends and family? Our students?

As a father I spend a great deal of time correcting my children’s behaviors and attitudes and not enough time pouring into their hearts the things they do well, where I’m proud of them, and how much they mean to our family. And I need to do better.

As a friend I send a great deal of stupid texts and TikToks, ask a variety of questions, and laugh. What I rarely do is tell them how much they mean to me, how they inspire and encourage me, and why I need them in my life. I need to be better at that, too.

As a boss, I try to encourage as much as possible, but it tends to be generic and all-inclusive. “You’re doing a great job,” I say. Or, “Thank you for all you do!” But how often do I sit down and intentionally tell the individuals what they SPECIFICALLY do well, where I am thankful for, and where I see them contributing to our school, our community? The answer is, not often enough.

All throughout our day we have people we can encourage, inspire, and wake up. We have the power and opportunity to speak directly into people’s lives, encouraging them and guiding them to GREAT things. We just need to speak up.

Who can you encourage today? What SPECIFICLY can you say to them that will let them know what they mean to you and to those around them?

What hidden gem or talent have you noticed in someone that they have not noticed in themselves? And how can you tell them?

What vision can you cast for someone? Be it a coworker, student, friend, or neighbor?

In whatever role we currently play, we have been gifted the opportunity of influencing our community. Who has been put directly in YOUR path so that you can help change, inspire, or encourage theirs?

Happy Friday!

#doGREATthings!

Sidenote: The term sleeper comes from the podcast, At the Table and the episode, “Who is Your Sleeper?”

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Humanity  :  Friday Thoughts

Friday Thought : Right now, we are all rubber bands

In my most recent staff meeting I handed out a rubber band and asked people to get into groups of three. “Now stretch it out,” I said. And they did, but only to the point of resistance.

“How’s the rubber band?” I asked.

“Fine,” they said, because rubber bands are made to be flexible and to endure. Just like us.

“Now pull a little more,” I said. And they did. Not as much as the first, but still a good stretch.

“What about now?” I asked, “How’s the rubber band?”

“Fine,” they still said, but less assuradely.

“Now pull again.” And they did. “And again . . . and again, and again.” With each and again, they pulled a little less and worried a little more. One teacher even used her free hand to block her face.

“This is where we are,” I said, “We are made to endure, to be flexible, but with each new request, with each new demand, we stretch a little more and a little more and a little more. We are now living in a state of constant fear that we’re about to break.”

We can endure hard seasons. We can absorb change, be flexible, and stretch ourselves further than we thought imaginable. But not forever. Lest we break.

The problem is - for my staff in that meeting and for many of us in our daily lives - we don’t see an end in sight, largely because the problems and issues are far bigger than us, and we can’t do anything about it.

What we can do, however, is show grace. To ourselves, and to others.

Giving grace doesn’t mean we have a free pass to sacrifice our integrity or high standards of excellence - absolutely not! But it does mean that when we fail, we show grace - that we courteous and show goodwill.

You are trying your best. The woman next to you is trying her best as well. The man across from you is trying his best. The kiddos in your classrooms are showing up and trying their best, and your boss is trying her best. But we can only stretch so far. And for many of us, we are walking fearful that, with the next request or burden to bare, we will break.

We can’t solve most of the problems the people around us are asked to endure, but we can give them - and ourselves - some grace. Which, in the end, might be the only thing that holds us together.