Note To Self: Think of Other People A Little More

The title comes from the song below, Note to Self, by Ben Rector. I heard it many years ago and placed it on our family’s playlist as a reminder. It shows up every now and then and does exactly that.

Then, from this morning’s reading:

May my needs be evermore entangled with my charity, benevolence, offerings, and care for others (Justin McRoberts).

I do not purposefully live a life of selfishness, it just happens. Be it from a exhaustion or fear or a busy schedule, there are times (or lengths of time) where I spend entirely too much time consumed with myself. Which, I think most people would agree, is fairly normal. But it doesn’t make it right.

Recently, I’ve been trying to create ways I can intentionally think of other people on a daily basis. One such way is simply letting people know they are thought of, appreciated, and missed.

In an age of communication, we over communicate. We share our thoughts and daily happenings on Facebook, we Tweet, post on Instagram, and meet for coffee. We are always communicating, yet we are also often feeling alone because when we communicate, we communicate about us, what we’re doing, what we’re thinking. Rarely are we considering others, which - ironically - leaves us feeling isolated and alone.

“People today are more connected to one another than ever before in human history,” Dr. Sherry Turkle writes, “thanks to Internet-based social networking sites and text messaging. But they’re also more lonely and distant from one another in their unplugged lives.”

Throughout the day, there is always a distraction. A ding on our phone, letting us know we have an email, text, or that a local news story has just broken. There is constant communication, but very little connection.

The above quote by Justin McRoberts struck me this morning because I often feel alone or disconnected. His words reminded me and convicted me to unwrap myself from the web of self-pity and to entangle myself in others. To think of others, to pray for and consider others, and to spend a few moments of each day reaching out to others.

Here are five people I am trying to connect with daily:

1. Family Member

2. Close Friend

3. Distant Friend

4. Long-lost Friend/acquaintance

5. Colleague

At first glance, this list seems simple and a bit obvious. “I connect with three or four of those people already, without even trying!”

And that’s the point. We communicate with people daily, but rarely is it intentional, bring any merit to the day, or inspire and encourage anyone.

In an age of over communication, of great and endless distractions and isolation, I want to pause, notice others, and encourage the hell out of them. Which, often times, means noticing them.

Here are some ways I plan to notice others:

1. Tell someone WHY I love them. Saying “I love you” is nice for sure, but over time, if not connected to a specific reason, it begins to lose it’s power. When we are frustrated with someone, we can articulate why pretty easily, which is why that conversation tends to last longer and sink deeper. Expressing why I love someone provides an anchor of truth for them to cling to, especially when storms begin to toss and turn. “I love you because . . .”
   

2. Write a Thank You note. Just like saying I love you, without specificity, a thank you can be shallow. But anchored to a specific reason AND written in a card not only provides clarity, it sinks deep. I recently received a Thank You card from a previous student. I taught her in 9th grade and she was graduating. Her card specifically thanked me for teaching her the invaluable lesson of “remember the poor.” It meant so much to me, especially knowing she had to sit and hand write a card, find an envelope and stamp, ask for my address, and then send it in the mail - all of which takes time. She was extremely intentional, and because she was extremely intentional, it made her message all the more powerful. And now, I have that card. Forever.
   

3. Share what I’ve noticed. Remember this commercial:

It’s cheesy, for sure, but it is also true. When we notice acts of kindness, oftentimes it inspires us to do the same. And when we are noticed for it, when someone acknowledges us for our actions, not only does it make us feel good, it strongly encourages us to continue on!

I have tried, recently, to not only be aware of those around me, but to be much more proactive at letting people know I notice them, that their acts of kindness and generosity are noticed, and that they are most appreciated. Be it instantly, with a stranger, or later in a text, each day I want to encourage someone by lettting them know their actions, their choice to be kind, forgiving, helpful - whatever - was noticed.

4. When inspired, acknowledge the source. I don’t know about you, but there are very few things more frustrating, more isolating, than when someone steals your idea and makes it their own. Educators experience this often, and there is no quicker way for doors to close than when they feel taken advantage of.

My goal is to reach out and acknowledge those that have inspired or encouraged me. Even if I know they may never read my text or email (like when I sent Justin McRoberts an email, thanking him for his book), it is worth the time and effort because the goal is two-fold. One, they might read it (which will only encourage them to keep doing great things)), but even if they don’t, I have spent time thinking of and considering someone else and their role in my life. I am finding that when I do this, I am continually reminded how limited I am, how important others are, and how thankful I am to have them in my life.

5. Favorite Memory. For most of my adolescent years, my best friend was Ron Hardy. Then, as life often goes, we lost touch with one another as we went and lived our separate ways. Several years later, long after I’d become an adult and started a family, I discovered that he had passed. It was terrible. Ever since, I have tried to reach out to his mother (one of my favorite people) whenever Ron has come into my mind, reminding her that he was loved, that he is still thought of. I think it means the world to her.

But why wait until someone is gone? Smartphones and Facebook understanding this as they send reminders of what I was doing one, two, or ten years ago. And I love it. How much more meaningful when someone spends time out of their day to reach out and remind me of a favorite memory? So much more. So I am trying to be that for others.

When life is busy or hard, I find myself slipping into a sort of survival mode - I need to get through today or this week. Sometimes, those days and weeks turn into seasons. Those seasons can easily turn into years, and then a lifestyle. And a lifestyle centered around myself is not only radically lonely, it’s shallow.

I don’t want my relationships to be reduced to a formula of communication, to boxes checked, but nor do I want them to be placed on the shelf or lost in the cracks of a busy life - they’re too important! And they need to know that.

Note to self.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Humanity  :  On Living

Daft Punk's Epilogue teaches us how to say goodbye

I think a lot of goodbyes are like this. There isn’t a definitive moment that separates us or a decisive conversation that divides us (although sometimes there is), but rather, a gradual distancing that, suddenly, shows just how far apart we’ve become.

Then, a conscious change, a removing of our old self and destruction of what was.

What I love about Daftpunk’s goodbye is that it is still collaborative, creative, and a celebration. The music isn’t doleful, nor is the last scene. Although the sun is setting, the music is uplifting, the lyrics hopeful. “Hold on” it says, “If love is the answer your home.”

Yet, he walks off into the distance, alone.

That juxtaposition seems incredibly appropriate. In their separation, love is not lost, feelings are not hurt, and self-preservation is not the goal. Love is. Of each other, the past journey, and the moving forward.

That simple lesson, to me at least, is encouraging. And even a bit convicting.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  On Living : Music

7-Circle Roundabout

I don’t think I would make it.

Good luck? Or Bad?

Great advertisement, largely because most everything in this video - to some degree - is relatable.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  : Commercials

Resources Parents Can Use to Raise Children Through Every Stage of Life, by Kristin Louis

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Raising children in today’s world is a fulltime job. From ensuring they have everything they need to grow into healthy adults to helping them become responsible and productive members of society, parents have so much on their plates. That’s in addition to also having full-time jobs and added responsibilities around the home. It’s enough to make any parent feel overwhelmed. 

While there’s no one secret that can make the responsibilities and worries of parents any easier, there are a few online resources that can provide support for each step of the way. Whether you are raising an infant or teenagers, consider checking these links out. 

You Can Encourage Your Kids to Learn and Grow with Positivity 

From the time your kids are born, they will never stop learning and growing. So, encourage positive development with these resources. 

Using an App to Track Your Baby’s Development 

A High-Powered Smartphone Can Ensure Apps Run Smoothly

Entertaining and Educational Activities for Young Children 

Common Reasons Teens Struggle in School 

You Can Give Your Kids’ a Sense of Security with Consistent Routines

Routine can keep you sane as a parent but consistent routines also help build structure and security for your children. You can use these resources to build routines for your family. 

Why Family Routines Matter

Establishing a Routine for New Babies 

Making Nap Time Easier for Young Children 

Stress-Free Morning Routines for Teens & Kids 

You Can Set Your Kids Up for Success with Some Basic Life Lessons

Focusing on learning and routines can help your kids’ development, but they also need to know how to thrive as adults. These resources can instill responsibility and independence. 

Crucial Coping Skills for All Children 

Age-Appropriate Chores for Ages 2-18

Cooking Skills All Kids Should Learn 

How to Help Teens Understand Money 

On Discipline: Beyond Consequences

You Can Protect Your Kids’ Health and Happiness with Simple Precautions. 

You can’t protect your kids from every danger out in the world, but you can use these resources to minimize the harm to their physical health and mental well-being.

Safe Sleeping Tips for Babies

Toddler-Proofing Your Home 

CDC Home and Community Safety Tips

Normal Teen Behavior or Mental Health Issue? 

There’s so much to being a parent that it’s hard to condense this topic into a single list of resources and tools. So, keep this guide handy to help answer some of your questions, but also know you have the ability and strength to figure things out on your own. Most of all, thank you for all that you do to foster health, happiness, and hope in future generations. 

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  On Parenting : Submitting a guest-post

Love and Families

“We need to extend love to others. And if we don’t have a chance to do that, something goes really wrong.”

A family is a place where you offer care, you offer unconditional love. The bond between you is no longer transactional, its no longer even voluntary. And we’re seeing that spread in biological ways but in non-biological ways too. It’s one of the more hopeful things I see in society.”

It reminds me, a bit of a line in the book Tribes, by Seth Godin. In it, he writes, “What people are afraid of isn’t failure. It’s blame. Criticism” (pg. 46). I wonder if one of the key reasons why the family unit has broken down is because of the blame and criticism slung back and forth. About work, home, responsibilities, expectations, etc., etc., etc..

Creating one’s own family that doesn’t carry the burden of cultural, familial, and religious expectations is not only a bit more freeing, ITS A TON MORE FREEING!

Yet, there’s something to be said about a traditional family unit. A father, a mother, and their children. Isn’t there?

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  On Parenting

Sitka Alaska : "Yeah, it Rains."

These videos always inspire me, for a variety of reasons. Most of the time, when finished, my brain thinks, “We should move to Alaska!” Because it looks beautiful and fun and full of adventure.

But so too is where I live. If I want it to be.

But also, they gloss over (or ignore) the hardships which is why it looks so dreamy. I, on the other hand, can call my hardships by name because they keep me up at night.

Just as they would in Alaska.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Documentaries :  On Living : Real People

Music, and the places you'll go

“Music is only as good as the memories attached to it.”

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Music  

The Concrete is not Blank

We are not guaranteed tomorrow, next week, or next semester. If someone has encouraged you, tell them. If someone is struggling, check in on them. If a relationship or hopeful habit is broken, fix it. If something needs to be done, do it. Whatever your conviction or inspiration, don't wait. Get after it and DO GREAT THINGS!!!

“If you wait, it will get dark or it will rain. And then, it will be too late.”

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Humanity  :  On Living

Great Cakes : Bad Climbing

I think my favorite is “Congratulations Gordon” because I like the idea of celebrating someone for their recklessness.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Short Films

Throat Notes, a short film by Felix Colgrave

Rarely do I understand Felix Colgrave, but always do I appreciate him.

If he were a musician playing some impromptu riff, a guitarist heading off on a solo or a drummer swinging the sticks around in a maze of sound, I would sit back and - in perfect silence - listen.

Sometimes that’s how I feel about Mr. Colgrave and his art. I have no idea how he does it, so I just sit. Because it too is awesome.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Short Films  : Felix Colgrave

“If your under 90, try things.” Plus 99 other tips for Improving Life.

I came across a webpage that offered “100 Tips for Life” with topics ranging from possessions, cooking, productivity, success, self, and many others. The list is great and worth every second.

Here are a few that stuck out to me:

4. “Where is the good knife?” If you’re looking for your good X, you have bad Xs. Throw those out.
Substitute “knife” for anything - underwear, friends, Instagram feeds, whatever - and you have a decent recipe for a happier life.

17. Done is better than perfect.
This one is interesting because it isn’t always true. Nor is it always false. Just ask ISRAEL KAMAKAWIWOʻOL. For me though, the wisdom comes from knowing when it applies and when it’s a cop-out.

20. The 20-20-20 rule: Every 20 minutes of screen work, look at a spot 20 feet away for 20 seconds. This will reduce eye strain and is easy to remember (or program reminders for).
Great advice. Hard to follow. Programmed reminders are a must.

25. History remembers those who got to market first. Getting your creation out into the world is more important than getting it perfect.”
Get it out first because the Truth gets lost in the wave that follows. I guess the hidden reminder, then, is don’t believe the first thing you hear. Just because its first doesn’t mean its true - or best.

30. If you listen to successful people talk about their methods, remember that all the people who used the same methods and failed did not make videos about it.”
This one is encouraging on two fronts. One, it is a solid reminder that just because someone found success following “these easy steps” doesn’t mean you’re a loser when it doesn’t work. And two, it is encouraging because it also means we can find success doing things differently and in our own unique way - by borrowing and stealing from those who have gone before us.

34. How you spend every day is how you spend your life.”
Get busy living or get busy dying.

36. Explaining problems is good. Often in the process of laying out a problem, a solution will present itself.”

45. If you’re under 90, try things.”
Get busy living or get busy dying.

46. Things that aren’t your fault can still be your responsibility.”
If there is ever a truth that will fix so many problems - relationally, economically, financially, WHATEVER - this is it.

48. Keep your identity small. “I’m not the kind of person who does things like that” is not an explanation, it’s a trap. It prevents nerds from working out and men from dancing.
It prevents us from living and opens the door to a shit ton of regret.

49. Don’t confuse ‘doing a thing because I like it’ with ‘doing a thing because I want to be seen as the sort of person who does such things’
Said a different way, be you! Don’t waste your life living to accomplish someone else’s dreams or expectations. Do you! Otherwise, open the door to a shit tone of regret.

50. Remember that you are dying.
So get busy living.

62. “If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you.”
This one stung. I need to be better, and more aware.

78. If you have trouble talking during dates, try saying whatever comes into your head. At worst you’ll ruin some dates (which weren’t going well anyways), at best you’ll have some great conversations. Alcohol can help.”
This doesn’t just apply to dates but people groups in general. Especially coworkers.

83. Compliment people more. Many people have trouble thinking of themselves as smart, or pretty, or kind, unless told by someone else. You can help them out.” - I find I am often insecure and in need of an “ataboy!”
I find this especially true when I am feeling down or frustrated. That when I focus on someone else, when I compliment them or encourage them, oftentimes I can pull myself out of the muck and mire of self destruction by putting a smile on another's face. And that is pretty cool.

86. Cultivate patience for difficult people. Communication is extremely complicated and involves getting both tone and complex ideas across. Many people can barely do either. Don’t punish them.
Such a simple yet perfect reminder.

90. In general, you will look for excuses to not be kind to people. Resist these.
Always.

91. Human mood and well-being are heavily influenced by simple things: Exercise, good sleep, light, being in nature. It’s cheap to experiment with these.
Not possessions or things that cost money. Just normal, natural things. (Connects well with #49).

100. Bad things happen dramatically (a pandemic). Good things happen gradually (malaria deaths dropping annually) and don’t feel like ‘news’. Endeavour to keep track of the good things to avoid an inaccurate and dismal view of the world.
But first we need to get through the dramatic.

What’s your favorite?

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Open Thoughts  :  On Living

Reading Log, 2020 : Best of

As always, my goal for the year was 30 books. I finished this year with 29 . . . rats!!!.

My Top Five Recommendations from the Year, in no particular order:

5.  Personal and Authentic, by Thomas C. Murray

4.  Amusing Ourselves to Death, by Neil Postman

3.  My Name is Asher Lev, by Chaim Potok

2.  The Great Alone, by Kristin Hannah

1.  Leading with a Limp, by Dan B. Allender

Honorable Mentions:

• Dare to Lead, by Brene Brown

• Talking to Strangers, by Malcolm Gladwell

• Shifting the Monkey, by Todd Whitaker

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff : Books : Reading Log

The Payoff of Years

“I have to sometimes stop myself when I’m building things and remind myself that I really enjoy it. I enjoy the process of building and it’s not always a sprint to the finish.”

This video is the antithesis of the Instagram culture and a true source of inspiration. Not only does Beau remind us to enjoy the journey, he models the payoff of patience, of believing that all this “junk” or stored things (be it memories or blog posts) have the potential to make something truly beautiful in the end.

I often can’t wait to get to the finish. I want my careers or dreams to be here and now and complete. Yet, it is the process of building, of collecting, and making that will (hopefully) create something beautiful in the end. Largely because it will be something different than what I envision now. Because, like it happened once his wife entered the picture, people will have a say, they will change the plans I have and the way I envision the future, and inevitably make it better.

Man. That is truly encouraging.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Humanity  :  On Living : Beau Miles

“I’m still here.” A short film about getting out of bed and kicking ass.

“I got really scared. I didn’t know what to do so I sank into my bed one day and stayed there for about three months. I just gave up.”

Then, one day, he sat up - and laughed.

“I still have my arms and legs, I can still walk, I can still breath, I can still talk, I can still think. I just can’t see. I’m still here.”

There is a lot to learn from this video, but perhaps the most important, most real is the little statement made at the 10:57 mark. The question, “how long will you skate for?” is asked dimly in the background and he answers, without hesitation, “Until my legs fall off.”

If you love it, get after it. Until your legs fall off.

The Price of Success : Giving and Trusting

Reminds me of another man who also made a graph: Adam Grant and his TEDTalk, “Are You a Giver or a Taker?”

“Not all Takers are narcissists, some are just Givers who’ve been burned one too many times.”

I think I’ll send these to my staff.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Humanity  : Adam Grant : TEDTalks : Simon Sinek

Fiverr Jesus : The Hijacking of Jesus for Personal Gain

“You can pay people, strangers to do stuff on the internet for you.” That’s how Fiverr Jesus got his fame and current income, by getting people to hire him to impersonate the Son of God and say whatever it is they want him to say. And what strikes me as deeply ironic is, in many ways, that is exactly why he left the church. Because people were using the names and words of Jesus and abusing them for personal gain or irrational purposes.

Something people have been doing for as long as there was a god to manipulate for their own personal interests.

And he is still doing it. Fiverr Jesus convinces himself that what he is doing is right and good because, basically, that’s what Jesus did while he was on earth; he went around pissing people off. Which, yet again, he is using the name of Jesus to do what he wants rather than guiding what he should be doing.

It is true, it does seem as though Jesus spent a great deal of his time pissing people off, but for the sake of doing so, and not because he found any joy or hilarity (and certainly not income) from it, but because it was the right thing to do. He was tearing down the hypocritical system, and he was doing it for the benefit of everyone else, not merely himself.

Something Fiverr Jesus knows very little about.

Doctored Photos of War . . . Are the Wrong?

“In 2007, Errol Morris wrote a three-part series for the NY Times about a pair of photos taken by Roger Fenton of the Crimean War in 1855. Taken from the same position on the same day, one of the photographs shows cannonballs scattered on a road while in the other photo, the road is clear of cannonballs. Which one, Morris wondered, was taken first and why?” (via).

Although he can never answer why they were moved, he does conclude which one was taken first.

This doctoring of a photo reminds me of another famous photo (this was doctored by the Soviet Union) that was recently discovered as fraud. Both have been manipulated for very specific reasons, and both - in their altered version - caused quite a stir.

What’s interesting to me is although both are altered, only one seems to be morally wrong. The Soviet picture was manipulated to save ridicule and produce and makes the Soviets seem better than they are. Which is wrong.

This one, however, is making the situation worse for the purpose of drawing more people into the harshness of the war, so they’re more sympathetic, more involved. And that, to me at least, is an entirely different motive and one that can be argued. Do the ends justify the means? Sometimes.

And perhaps this is one of those times.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Short Films:  Documentaries 

The Dichotomy of Realities: Why We Love and How we Hate

Sometimes, life is ironic. Sometimes it’s comical. Sometimes it’s ironically comical, like when the founder of AA asked for a shot of whisky on his death bed only to be denied by the nurse. Or the fact that “the only losing basketball coach in University of Kansas history is James Naismith—the man who invented basketball in 1891” and that A Charlie Brown Christmas is a movie about over commercializing Christmas, yet, every year, is trimmed down by ABC in order to make room for more commercials (via).

Sometimes, though, life’s irony isn’t all that funny. Sometimes it’s hard, frustrating, and more than a little exhausting. Like now, after the long Thanksgiving break - a weekend set aside to rest, be with family, and acknowledge the many blessings we have - I feel more exhausted and more frustrated than before.

Maybe you can relate? Of trying hard to maintain a good and positive and productive spirit, of trying to be diligent with your attitude and conversations with family and friends, of trying day in and day out to be purposeful in who you are and what you’ve been given only to be knocked down by a carelessly spoken word, a moment of deep disappointment, or the constant burden of a nagging worry.

Or perhaps you feel more like the student who wrote me about an “inner panic,” that’s “hard to express” but makes them “feel holed up and small.”

I know I feel that way sometimes. And I hate it. Largely because I can’t necessarily pinpoint why I feel it or explain where it came from. And because I can’t explain it, I can’t name it. And because I can’t name it I’m not entirely sure how to deal with it.

Recently, though, I’ve begun to try. I’ve named it DOR, short for “the Dichotomy of Realities.”

Let me explain.

Although there are some very real, very immediate changes to my life since the outbreak of COVID-19, everything else seems relatively normal. I still have a job, my kids still go to school in an actual school building, and bills are still being paid. Life isn’t all that different. Yet, when I turn on the news, listen to podcasts, or hear stories of people both near and far, I see and hear a reality that is harsh and hard and often very scary, and I just can’t make sense of it. How can what I see and hear be in such contrast to what I experience? How can both realities be true?

But then I think, maybe the difficulty isn’t in the ability to accept that various people are living radically different realities at the same time because that’s fairly normal. National Geographic has been exploiting that dichotomy for decades. The Dichotomy of Reality in a single person, however, is not normal. Or at least it shouldn’t be. And that, I believe, is where I’m truly struggling. How can two radically apposing realities actively exist - in the same moment and at the same time - in one person? How can we be both absolutely right and absolutely wrong simultaneously?

Like the woman in a video posted by @aaronjfaulkner who chewed out some teenage boys who were sitting in their car. “You’re ass is grass,” she barks through the slightly open driver-side window, “You’re supposed to be sheltering in place.” Then, when she notices the phone, she ends with, “Go ahead, put me on social media. You’re a little punk!” Her eyes are furrowed and her hand keeps hitting the glass. How can she not see the irony in her actions? How can she be so concerned about humanity yet so unkind to humans in the exact same moment?

Or what about the story that broke recently of the senior pastor at Flowing Streams Church in Florida who encouraged the Trump administration to “‘start shooting” democrats and members of the media in firing squads if it turns out they conspired to rig the presidential election.” How is that possible? How can a man read the scriptures of grace and mercy and forgiveness while also conjuring up ideas of a mass killing spree?

In his TED Talk, How One Tweet Can Ruin Your Life, Jon Ronson also wrestled with this dichotomy. If you don’t remember the name Justin Sacco you probably remember her story. She’s the one that sent a sarcastic (albeit insensitive) Tweet right before boarding a plane to Africa. Jon Ronson explains it this way:

{Justine Sacco} was a PR woman from New York with 170 Twitter followers, and she'd Tweet little acerbic jokes to them, like this one on a plane from New York to London: [Weird German Dude: You're in first class. It's 2014. Get some deodorant." -Inner monologue as I inhale BO. Thank god for pharmaceuticals.] So Justine chuckled to herself, and pressed send, and got no replies, and felt that sad feeling that we all feel when the Internet doesn't congratulate us for being funny . . . And then she got to Heathrow, and she had a little time to spare before her final leg, so she thought up another funny little acerbic joke: 

[Going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white!] 

And she chuckled to herself, pressed send, got on the plane, got no replies, turned off her phone, fell asleep, woke up 11 hours later, turned on her phone while the plane was taxiing on the runway, and straightaway there was a message from somebody that she hadn't spoken to since high school, that said, "I am so sorry to see what's happening to you." And then another message from a best friend, "You need to call me right now. You are the worldwide number one trending topic on Twitter."

Within hours, and at the hands of thousands of strangers, Justine had lost her job, her life, and her humanity. She sent a terrible message (albeit, misinterpreted) and was publicly maimed and destroyed for it. Yet, those who responded with deliberate cruelty, with horrific words and ideas that could in no way be misinterpreted as anything other than hateful not only “got a free pass” from all in attendance, they received affirmation and applause.

Comments such as, “I'm actually kinda hoping Justine Sacco gets aids? lol” was liked and retweeted. Another person tweeted, "Somebody HIV-positive should rape this bitch and then we'll find out if her skin color protects her from AIDS” and nothing happened. Nobody venomously responded to or retweeted their cruelty or contacted that person’s employer or found where they were traveling to and met them as they arrived.

Why?

How can there be such an accepted duality of reality? How can we acknowledge such wrong and hate and insensitivity in one instance yet ignore it completely in a slightly different other instance? How can we be so aware yet so blind?

How can I?

I may never say such vulgar things as those tweeted at Justine Sacco, but I know I am guilty of living in this dual reality. Like the times I get frustrated - and I mean the blood pumping, I’m-about-to-lose-my-shit kind of frustrated - and bark at my kids to “STOP YELLING AT YOUR SIBLINGS!!!” Or when I gossip about people who I think are gossipers

How can I do that? How can I, in the exact same instance, hate something bad yet embrace it with both arms? In those moments I instantly know I’m a fraud, that I’m living and expecting two different realities, but does that cause me to pause the next time he speaks unkindly? Sometimes. Other times not. Which is itself another frustration: why can I not stop doing what I hate doing?

The other night, while wrestling with the DOR, a quote came to mind: “So much death. What can man do against such reckless hate?” because in those moments, either when I see it happening on Facebook, the News, or anywhere else humans exist, I often feel the same way. That the fight is hopeless.

But then the rest of the quote came to mind, and as Lord of the Rings often does, it inspired me.

Movies that play on the Good vs Evil are always the same. The bad guy (or gal) are always bigger, stronger, more advanced, and for sure have many more followers. Yet, the good guys (or gal) always win in the end! But only after someone offers a bit of encouragement. Then, with a renewed vision, the hero is once again confident and ready to fight, to inspire those present, and lead them into their final battle against Evil. Soon after, the story ends and Good is victorious once again..

Aragon offers similar inspiration, “Ride with me. Ride out and meet them.” Or rather, “Don’t give up. Keep going.”

Recently that simple truth, although elementary in stature, has been a bedrock for my day to day. I’ve tried to be positive, to remain artistic and active, to be a man of integrity. Yet, more often then not, I’ve felt dull, accosted, and discouraged. Inconsequential even. In those moments I know full well I’m being unfair to myself and to life in general, but that doesn’t mean the frustration isn’t there, that I don’t want to throw my arms up in exhaustion and, in some way, give up. Just like King Theoden.

Its easy for us to focus on the negativity of the world around, largely because it’s the sauce that makes the evening news, TikTok videos, and Facebook posts. Yet, in the midst of the destruction and ugliness, I am also constantly reminded to “ride out and meet them” by those who continually refuse to give in or give up.

Like these people who, in the early onsets of the Global Shutdown, found ways to stay positive, stay creative, and keep each other laughing.

“Always find ways to cheer yourself up,” the young journalist, Violet Wang says. Or better yet, always find ways to cheers up others for that is what sustains us, encourages us, and inspires us to be better people. Not criticism and backbiting.

I doubt any of those people above maintained such great attitudes all throughout their quarantine. I’m sure, like me, they had their rough days, weeks, perhaps even months. But I’m also just as confident that they found encouragement from someone who inspired them to get out of bed or of their own discouraged mind and do something fun, something creative, and something worthwhile.

Because that too is part of our dichotomous reality, that we are kind and good and able to do great things even when we don’t feel like it. Even when we’re at war.

We are rarely allowed to have a choice in the event we are asked to live, but we are always provided a choice in how we choose to respond to those events. We can either destroy a life, or save it. We heal each other, Zahed says, when we catch another’s hand from darkness and move them into light.

We know this and want this, which is why stories such as My Enemy, My Brother stir our hearts to tears. Because we know it to be true and want, so desperately, to live lives of such moral aptitude.

Yet, when the moment presents itself, when we have an opportunity to do what we want to do, we do not. Instead, we do the very thing we hate to do: we destroy. We live out our Dichotomy of Reality. We live out our humanity.

“Human beings,” states Bryan Stevenson - founder and executive director of the Equal Justice Initiative, “are biologically programmed to do what is comfortable, to do what is convenient” and not necessarily what is right. “To do something uncomfortable,” he continues, what is scary, what is dangerous, what is not fun, requires us to make a conscious choice - a decision - to do the very thing we do not want to do. To be kind, to love despite the hate, and to save a life rather than destroy it.

“An absence of compassion can corrupt the decency of a community, a state, a nation. Fear and anger can make us vindictive and abusive, unjust and unfair, until we all suffer from the absence of mercy. We condemn ourselves as much as we victimize others” (via). In short, we all lose.

So now what?

Now that I have named it and found a way to explain it, how do I deal with it? The answer, for me at least, is quite simple: keep fighting. Be it against the war of pain and destruction around me, or the war for pain and destruction within me. Keep Fighting.

To paraphrase Jon Gordon:

When they say unkind things about you, keep fighting.

When they falsely accuse you, keep fighting.

When no one notices, keep fighting.

When everyone notices, keep fighting.

Fight with passion.

Fight the good fight. For history never remembers the critics, only those who signed up for the battle. Because they’re the ones that become the heroes, who become brothers. They’re the one’s who change the world.

They’re the ones who ride out and meet them.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Open Thoughts  :  On Living

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
   Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
   But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
   Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
   And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
   If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
   And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
   Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
   And stoop and build ’em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
   And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
   And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
   To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
   Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
   Or walk with kings—nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
   If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run—
   Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

So, so good.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Poetry  : Rudyard Kipling