The Choice: Embrace the Possible, by Dr Edith Eva Eger

“When we force our truths and stories into hiding, secrets can become their own trauma, their own prison. Far from diminishing pain, whatever we deny ourselves the opportunity to accept and becomes an inescapable as brick walls and steel bars. When we don’t allow ourselves to grieve our losses, wounds, and disappointments, we are doomed to keep reliving them.
Freedom lies in learning to embrace what happened. Freedom means we muster the courage to dismantle the prison, brick by brick” (pg 6).

“Why is it such a challenge to bring life to life?” (pg 7.

“We are hungry. We are hungry for approval, attention, affection. We are hungry for the freedom to embrace life and to really know and be ourselves” (pg 7).

“There is no hierarchy of suffering . . . being a survivor, being a ‘thriver’ requires absolute acceptance of what was and what is. If we discount our pain, or punish ourselves for feeling lost or isolated or scared about the challenges in our lives, however insignificant these challenges may seem to someone else, then we’re still choosing to be victims” (pg 8).

“The little upsets in our lives are emblematic of the larger losses; the seemingly insignificant worries are representative of greater pain” (pg 9).

“We can choose what the horror teaches us. To become bitter in our grief and fear. Hostile. Paralyzed. Or to hold on to the childlike part of us, the lively and curious part, the part that is innocent” (pg 42).

“There is always a worse hell” (pg 65).

“Each moment is a choice. No matter how frustrating or boring or constraining or painful or oppressive our experience, we can always choose how we respond” (pg 156).

“Learned helplessness: when we feel we have no control over our circumstances, when we believe that nothing we do can alleviate our suffering or improve our lives, we stop taking action on our own behalf because we believe there is no point . . . Suffering is inevitable and universal. But how we respond to suffering differs” (pg 170).

“To change our behavior, we must change our feelings, and to change our feelings, we change our thoughts” (pg. 171).

“Freedom is about CHOICE - about choosing compassion, humor, optimism, intuition, curiosity, and self expression” (pg 173).

“Very often it is the crisis situation . . . that actually improves us as human beings. Paradoxically, whle these incidents can sometimes ruin people, they are usually growth experiences. As a result of such calamities the person often makes a major reassessment of his life situation and changes it in ways that reflect a deeper understanding of his own capabilities, values, and goals” (pg 174).

“It’s important to assign blame to the perpetrators. Nothing is gained if we close our eyes to wrong, if we give someone a pass, if we dismiss accountability” (pg 175).

“It’s easier to hold someone or something else responsible for your pain than to take responsibility for ending your own victimhood . . . most of us want a dictator - albeit a benevolent one - so we can pass the buck, so we can say, “You made me do that. It’s not my fault.” But we can’t spend our lives hanging out under someone else’s umbrella and then complain that we’re getting wet. A good definition of being a victim is when you keep the focus outside yourself, when you look outside yourself for someone to blame for your present circumstances, or to determine your purpose, fate, or worth” (pg 204).

“This is the work of healing. You deny what hurts, what you fear. You avoid it at all costs. Then you find a way to welcome and embrace what you’re most afraid of. And then you can finally let it go” (pg 209).

“It is too easy to make a prison out of our pain, out of the past. At best, revenge is useless. It can’t alter what was done to us, it can’t erase the wrongs I’ve suffered, it can’t bring back the dead. At worst, revenge perpetuates the cycle of hate. It keeps the hate circling on and on. When we seek revenge, even nonviolent revenge, we are revolving, not evolving . . . To forgive is to grieve - for what happened, for what didn’t happen - and to give up the need for a different past. To accept life as it was and as it is” (pg 212).

“Doing what is right is rarely the same as doing what is safe” (pg 255”

“There is no forgiveness without rage” (pg. 258).

“Time doesn’t heal. It’s what you do with the time. Healing is possible when we choose to take responsibility, when we choose to take risks, and finally, when we choose to release the wound, to let go of the past or the grief” (pg 263).

“There is the wound. And there is what comes out of it” (pg 269).

“We don’t know where we’re going, we don’t know what’s going to happen, but no one can take away from you what you put in your own mind” (pg 271).

“To run away from the past or to fight against our present pain is to imprison ourselves. Freedom is in accepting what is and forgiving ourselves, in opening our hearts to discover the miracles that exist now . . . You can’t change what happened, you can’t change what you did or what was done to you. But you can choose how you live now” (pg. 272).

You can also listen to her story on this Brene Brown episode. So good.

Grade: A

Books can often be defined by the time of life with which you read them. This one, assuming everyone has endured pain and suffering to some extent at some point in their lives, is a must read for everyone. Powerful, purposeful, and extremely helpful in healing, forgiving, and moving on.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff : Books : Reading Log

May It Be So, by Justin McRoberts : Forty Days with the Lord's Prayer

“Not having my life together meant losing my place in line.”

This book stumbled upon my doorstep. I don’t remember ordering it, but it came at just the right time. And for a man who struggles with religion, who has endured more pain from those who “follow Christ” and attend His church and proclaim His name, this book was a glass of cool water to the soul. It brought me back to the basics of prayer and life and living. It reminded me of who I am and who He is.

It inspired me to hope.

Some of my favorites:

“My I offer help more readily and joyfully than I offer critique.”

“May I never allow disappointment to lead me into despair but always toward a more resilient and active hope.”

“May I have vision in and through my seasons of trial rather than search for ways to escape.”

“May I have the wisdom to exchange control and safety for the opportunity to love and serve.”

“May I have the wisdom and patience to let questions planted in me wait, rest, and germinate rather than anxiously harvest answers whose season has not come.”

“May the fear of being afraid never keep me from facing the things I am afraid of.”

“May I allow guilt to convict me without letting shame define me.”

Grade: A+

Without a doubt. Especially for those lost in the midst of pain and suffering or overcome by the weight of doubt and despair. A great devotional/morning read of encouragement.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff : Books : Reading Log

Fortitude: American Resilience in the Era of Outrage, by Dan Crenshaw

“Outrage is weakness. It is the muting of rational thinking and the triumph of emotion” (pg 3).

“I can sit and feel pretty good about myself because, man, you see how woke I was, I called you out. That’s not activism. That’s not brining about change. If all you’re doing is casting stones, you’re probably not going to get that far. That’s easy to do” (pg 7).

“If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you . . .” - Rudyard Kipling

“In this day and age, victimhood is power” (pg 9).

“With many big problems cured, reduced, or eliminated, our small problems have been elevated remarkably in our public discourse” (pg 32).

“Character is mostly a consequence of choice” (pg 34).

“Heroes are more abstract. They are archetypes - symbols or stories that project a set of ideas, values, and collective knowledge. In another sense, heroes are the visualization for a set of goals that you are setting for yourself” (pg 37).

“A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spire of overwhelming obstacles” (pg 39).

The Big Five personality traits of heroes are:

1. Openness to Experience - receptive to new ideas and new experiences

2. Conscientiousness - tendency to be responsible, organized, and hardworking; to be goal directed; and to adhere to norms and rules.

3. Extroversion - tendency to search for novel experiences and social connections that allow them to interact with other humans as much as possible

4. Agreeableness - tendency to be cooperative, polite, kind, and friendly

5. Neuroticism - tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings (pg 40).

“Guys who took criticism to heart were forgiven, and guys who became defensive were deemed to be thin-skinned. I learned to humbly accept criticism as a result” (pg 42).

“It is unfair. It is offensive. It is hard. It is riddled with unexpected obstacles and inconveniences. Oftentimes those inconveniences are perceived as actual problems, when in fact they are just inconveniences or temporary setbacks. The hero you aspire to be knows the difference and reacts accordingly” (pg 47).

“Be someone who actually listens and internalizes someone else’s point of view before speaking to them. Have at least the decency to be police in your response. Fully and reasonably rebuke their argument, avoiding the accusatory habit of saying, ‘You just don’t care’ or ‘You aren’t listening.’ The dismissive and insulting tone of today’s political debate is reflective of mental weakness” (pg 48).

“The problem with our current cultural trend is that we are far more likely to be cheered on if we embrace victimhood” (pg 54).

“One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce, and canonized those who complain” (pg 57).

“Good leaders build their subordinates, but also correct them when they’re wrong” (pg. 112).

“A good leader allows {complaining} to happen, to an extent. A good leader understands that part of cultivating a healthy social enviornment is allowing some complaining. Allowing your team to blow off steam over the small stuff is natural and healthy. Trying to stifle it will not make it go away, just hide it, only to see it boil over later on when you least want it to. A good leader even partakes in some of the complaints, but they are careful how they go about it” (pg. 123).

“Try hard not to offend. Try harder not to be offended” (pg. 136).

“Fear-based repentance makes us hate ourselves. Joy-based repentance makes us hate the sin” (142).

“Feeling shame is actually good. It is synonymous with feeling accountable for our actions, and consciously admitting that our actions might not have been the right ones” (pg 146).

“The road to mental toughness is paved with the knowledge that we don’t always do what is right, but we are willing to take responsibility for it, humbly correct it, and be stronger as a result. A mind that cannot bend to admit wrongdoing is easily broken” (pg. 157).

"Suffering brings people together and is much better than joy at creating bonds among group members . . . misery doesn’t just love miserable company; misery helps alleviate the misery in the company” (pg. 193).

“The difference between normal citizens and the abnormal outrage: One tells stories about what they’ve done wrong, and the other tells stories about what was done to them. One is about accomplishments, the other grievance” (pg 200).

“It’s actually easy to see why people fall prey to this unique form of self-pity and buck-passing. It’s seductive, simple, and often yields quick and favorable results. Personal growth is hard work, and self-reflection is frequently unpleasant. It doesn’t help that there’s a whole industry out there fueled by grievances and propelled by narratives that tell individuals they’re victims of forces beyond their control” (pg. 204).

“Which actions of mine caused this? What could I have done differently? What will I do when and if it happens again?” (pg. 206).

“For an individual or a group to move forward or progress, something unpleasant must be endured (suffering) or something unpleasant must be give up (sacrifice). Humanity’s most effective and inspiring spiritual leaders have sustained immense suffering, made harrowing sacrifices, or both. These leader’s suffering and sacrifice set them apart from ordinary people who deny, decry, or defy these seemingly unsavory experiences” (pg 214).

Grade: A

This book, for so many reasons, would never end up on my shelf. But a friend asked that I read it, and because I really don’t want to surround myself or ideas that only fit myself and ideas, I read it. And I am so thankful that I did. Not only did it challenge me, it even encouraged and (in some ways) inspired me. Which, was a great reminder.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff : Books : Reading Log

Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know, by Adam Grant

The “I’m not biased” bias is when “people believe they’re more objective than others. It turns out that smart people are more likely to fall into this trap. The brighter you are, the harder it can be to see your own limitations. Being good at thinking can make you worse at rethinking” (pg. 25).

“The purpose of learning isn’t to affirm our beliefs; it’s to evolve our beliefs” (pg 26).

“Recognizing our shortcomings opens the door to doubt . . . if knowledge is power, knowing what we don’t know is wisdom” (pg. 28) and “The curse of knowledge is that it closes our minds to what we don’t know” (pg 31).

Dunning-Kruger effect: “those who can’t . . . don’t know they can’t . . . the less intelligent we are in a particular domain, the more we seem to overestimate our actual intelligence in that domain . . .the first rule of the Dunning-Kruger club is you don’t know you’re a member of the Dunning-Kruger club” (pg 40).

“Arrogance is ignorance plus conviction,” blogger Tim Urban explains. “While humility is a permeable filter that absorbs life experience and converts it into knowledge and wisdom, arrogance is a rubber shield that life experience simply bounces off of” (pg 45).

“If we care about accuracy, we can’t afford to have blind spots. To get an accurate picture of our knowledge and skills, it can help to assess ourselves like scientists looking through a microscope. But one of my newly formed beliefs is that we’re sometimes better off underestimating ourselves” (pg 48).

“If we never worry about letting other people down, we’re more likely to actually do so. When we feel like impostors, we think we have something to prove. Impostors may be the last to jump in, but they may also be the last to bail out” (pg 52).

“We don’t have to wait for our confidence to rise to achieve challenging goals. We can build it through achieving challenging goals” (pg 53).

“Great thinkers don’t harbor doubts because they’re imposters. They maintain doubts because they know we’re all partially blind and they’re committed to improve their sight. They don’t boast about how much they know, they marvel at how little they understand . . .arrogance leaves us blind to our weaknesses. Humility is a reflective lens: it helps us see them clearly. Confident humility is a corrective lens: it enables us to overcome those weaknesses” (pg 54).

Ideas survive not because they’re true, but because they’re interesting (pg 59).

Givers have higher rates of failure than takers and matchers - but higher rates of success too (pg 61).

“Being wrong is the only way I feel sure I’ve learned anything” (pg 62).

“The best performers are the ones who started their jobs believe their work would have a positive impact on others . . . givers would (therefore) be more successful than takers, because they would be energized by the difference their actions made in others’ lives” (pg 62).

“Even positive changes can lead to negative emotions; evolving your identity can leave you feeling derailed and disconnected” (pg 63).

“If you don’t look back at yourself and think, ‘Wow, how stupid I was a year ago,’ then you must not have learned much in the last year” (pg. 63).

“It’s a sign of wisdom to avoid believing every thought that enters your mind. It’s a mark of emotional intelligence to avoid internalizing every feeling that enters your heart” (pg 68).

“If we’re insecure, we make fun of others. If we’re comfortable being wrong, we’re not afraid to poke fun at ourselves” (pg 72).

“The apathy of conflict is not harmony, it’s apathy” (pg 80).

“Dissatisfaction promotes creativity only when people feel committed and supported - and that cultural misfits are most likely to add value when they have strong bonds with their colleagues” (pg 84).

“Most people immediately start with a straw man, poking holes in the weakest version of the other side’s case. He does the reverse: he considers the strongest version of their case, which is known as the steel man” (pg 108).

“A single line of argument feels like a conversation; multiple lines of argument can become an onslaught” (pg 111).

“It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear” (pg 143).

“Presenting two extremes isn’t the solution; it’s part of the polarization problem. Psychologists have a name for this: binary bias. It’s a basic human tendency to seek clarity and closure by simplifying a complex continuum into two categories” (pg 165).

“Perspective-taking consistently fails because we’re terrible mind readers. We’re just guessing . . . What works is not perspective-guessing but perspective-seeking: actually talking to people to gain insight into the nuances of their vies” (pg 178).

“It turns out that even if we disagree strong with someone on a social issue, when we discover that she cares deeply about an issue, we trust her more. We might still dislike her, but we see her passion for a principle as a sign of integrity. We reject the belief but grow to respect the person behind it” (pg 179).

“If you spend all of your school years being fed information and are never given the opportunity to question it, you won’t develop the tools for rethinking that you need in life” (pg 193).

“Every year I would aim to throw out 20 percent of my class and replace it with new material. If I was doing new thinking every year, we would all start rethinking together” (pg 195).

“Good teachers introduce new thoughts, but great teachers introduce new ways of teaching” (pg 203).

“Education is more than the information we accumulate in our heads. It’s the habits we develop as we keep revising our drafts and the skills we build to keep learning” (pg 203).

“It takes confident humility to admit that we are a work in progress” (pg 215).

“In performance cultures, people often become attached to best practices. The risk is that once we’ve declared a routine the best, it becomes frozen in time. We preach about its virtues and stop questioning its vices” (pg 216).

“A bad decision process is based on shallow thinking. A good process is grounded in deep thinking and rethinking, enabling people to form and express independent opinions” (pg 217).

“The more people value happiness, the less happy they often become with their lives” (pg 237).

“When we’re searching for happiness, we get too busy evaluating life to actually experience it . . . we spend too much time striving for peak happiness, overlooking the fact that happiness depends more on the frequency of positive emotions than their intensity . . . when we hunt for happiness, we overemphasize pleasure at the expense of purpose” (pg 238).

People who are happy don’t focus on being happy, they look for contribution and connection (pg 240).

Grade: A

Adam Grant is one of my favorites.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff : Books : Reading Log