“When we force our truths and stories into hiding, secrets can become their own trauma, their own prison. Far from diminishing pain, whatever we deny ourselves the opportunity to accept and becomes an inescapable as brick walls and steel bars. When we don’t allow ourselves to grieve our losses, wounds, and disappointments, we are doomed to keep reliving them.
Freedom lies in learning to embrace what happened. Freedom means we muster the courage to dismantle the prison, brick by brick” (pg 6).
“Why is it such a challenge to bring life to life?” (pg 7.
“We are hungry. We are hungry for approval, attention, affection. We are hungry for the freedom to embrace life and to really know and be ourselves” (pg 7).
“There is no hierarchy of suffering . . . being a survivor, being a ‘thriver’ requires absolute acceptance of what was and what is. If we discount our pain, or punish ourselves for feeling lost or isolated or scared about the challenges in our lives, however insignificant these challenges may seem to someone else, then we’re still choosing to be victims” (pg 8).
“The little upsets in our lives are emblematic of the larger losses; the seemingly insignificant worries are representative of greater pain” (pg 9).
“We can choose what the horror teaches us. To become bitter in our grief and fear. Hostile. Paralyzed. Or to hold on to the childlike part of us, the lively and curious part, the part that is innocent” (pg 42).
“There is always a worse hell” (pg 65).
“Each moment is a choice. No matter how frustrating or boring or constraining or painful or oppressive our experience, we can always choose how we respond” (pg 156).
“Learned helplessness: when we feel we have no control over our circumstances, when we believe that nothing we do can alleviate our suffering or improve our lives, we stop taking action on our own behalf because we believe there is no point . . . Suffering is inevitable and universal. But how we respond to suffering differs” (pg 170).
“To change our behavior, we must change our feelings, and to change our feelings, we change our thoughts” (pg. 171).
“Freedom is about CHOICE - about choosing compassion, humor, optimism, intuition, curiosity, and self expression” (pg 173).
“Very often it is the crisis situation . . . that actually improves us as human beings. Paradoxically, whle these incidents can sometimes ruin people, they are usually growth experiences. As a result of such calamities the person often makes a major reassessment of his life situation and changes it in ways that reflect a deeper understanding of his own capabilities, values, and goals” (pg 174).
“It’s important to assign blame to the perpetrators. Nothing is gained if we close our eyes to wrong, if we give someone a pass, if we dismiss accountability” (pg 175).
“It’s easier to hold someone or something else responsible for your pain than to take responsibility for ending your own victimhood . . . most of us want a dictator - albeit a benevolent one - so we can pass the buck, so we can say, “You made me do that. It’s not my fault.” But we can’t spend our lives hanging out under someone else’s umbrella and then complain that we’re getting wet. A good definition of being a victim is when you keep the focus outside yourself, when you look outside yourself for someone to blame for your present circumstances, or to determine your purpose, fate, or worth” (pg 204).
“This is the work of healing. You deny what hurts, what you fear. You avoid it at all costs. Then you find a way to welcome and embrace what you’re most afraid of. And then you can finally let it go” (pg 209).
“It is too easy to make a prison out of our pain, out of the past. At best, revenge is useless. It can’t alter what was done to us, it can’t erase the wrongs I’ve suffered, it can’t bring back the dead. At worst, revenge perpetuates the cycle of hate. It keeps the hate circling on and on. When we seek revenge, even nonviolent revenge, we are revolving, not evolving . . . To forgive is to grieve - for what happened, for what didn’t happen - and to give up the need for a different past. To accept life as it was and as it is” (pg 212).
“Doing what is right is rarely the same as doing what is safe” (pg 255”
“There is no forgiveness without rage” (pg. 258).
“Time doesn’t heal. It’s what you do with the time. Healing is possible when we choose to take responsibility, when we choose to take risks, and finally, when we choose to release the wound, to let go of the past or the grief” (pg 263).
“There is the wound. And there is what comes out of it” (pg 269).
“We don’t know where we’re going, we don’t know what’s going to happen, but no one can take away from you what you put in your own mind” (pg 271).
“To run away from the past or to fight against our present pain is to imprison ourselves. Freedom is in accepting what is and forgiving ourselves, in opening our hearts to discover the miracles that exist now . . . You can’t change what happened, you can’t change what you did or what was done to you. But you can choose how you live now” (pg. 272).
You can also listen to her story on this Brene Brown episode. So good.
Grade: A
Books can often be defined by the time of life with which you read them. This one, assuming everyone has endured pain and suffering to some extent at some point in their lives, is a must read for everyone. Powerful, purposeful, and extremely helpful in healing, forgiving, and moving on.
For more on . . .
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