That Sunday Evening Feeling

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It descends quick, normally between the hours of 5 and 7.30pm, being especially felt when the weather is turning and the last of the daylight has burnished the sky a shade of crimson pink before plunging into a sea of concluding darkness.

Even since I was a child, I understood this feeling but could never articulate it. As an adult, not much has changed; Sunday evenings are still my least favorite time of the week.

Recently, I came across an essay which argued that "The Sunday evening feeling is ordinarily associated with work, and the idea of going back to an office after a pleasant break." Therefore, the uneasiness or weight we feel is our conscious telling us that "we are going back to the wrong sort of work" (via). But that didn't really resonate with me because I don't work in an office or job I hate. I love and believe in my job and will, consciously, stay in it for the rest of my life

So why do I still feel the weight of a typical Sunday evening?

Because life still isn't enough.

The article continues:

We normally manage to keep the insistent calls of the true working self at bay during the week. We are too busy and too driven by an immediate need for money. But it reliably comes to trouble us on Sunday evenings. Like a ghost suspended between two worlds, it has not been allowed to live or to die, and so bangs at the door of consciousness, requiring resolution. We are sad, or panicked, because a part of us recognises that time is running out and that we are not presently doing what we should with what remains of our lives. The anguish of Sunday evening is our conscience trying to stir us inarticulately into making more of ourselves.

I don't quite agree with everything said, but I do think there is something there. Like the idea of our consciousness banging on a door, reminding us that time is running out, and fast.

Suddenly, spending most of Saturday morning skimming Facebook updates seems like a waste of precious time and that hour at the mountain lake should have been all about teaching Eden how to skip a rock, not taking pictures of my kids searching for them. Instead of watching football, I should have played it, with my son, as the snow fell from trees.

What if that Sunday evening feeling is a little nudge, a jab even, reminding us that time is running out. That even if we live well into our 70's and 80's or well into our 90's, the end will come faster than we expect and when it does, it will be too late, there will be no more weekends to try again.

What will we have to show for it? What will we have made of ourselves? Of our families? Of the world around us?

I like the way the essay concludes:

We should not keep our Sunday evening feelings simply for Sunday evenings. We should place these feelings at the center of our lives and let them be the catalysts for a sustained exploration that continues throughout the week, over months and probably years, and that generates conversations with ourselves, with friends, mentors and with professionals. Something very serious is going on when sadness and anxiety descend for a few hours on Sunday evenings . . .

And we would be wise to consider it. Before it's too late.

 

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  On Living  :  Resume VS Eulogy Virtues

 

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To my friend Ron Hardy : On How to Build a Fort

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Eleven years ago, one of the best friends a boy could have passed away. From about 2nd grade to 8th or 9th grade, Ron and I were brothers. I've even written about his mom before because every boy should have a second mom like her - she is one of the best.

When Ron and I entered high school, we went our separate ways. We were always friendly and enjoyed reuniting at parties or games or wherever else life crossed our paths, but we grew distant enough that when he passed, I didn't know about it, and wouldn't, until almost six years later. 

The night I found out Ron had passed I remember needing to discipline my son, who was five at the time, but every time I sat him down to talk, I saw Ron, and I just couldn't do it. I ended up holding my son and crying, thinking of the friend I used to ride bikes with, play basketball with, steal chain nets from the nearby park with, trick-or-treat with, and build endless forts and fires with. He was a good friend. And suddenly, I really missed him.

Recently, to try and honor and remember him, I've thought of writing short stories, every October, that bring out the spirit and character of Ron and our friendship. This is the first of those stories. 

We were not perfect friends and we were not perfect to our neighbors, but looking back, I do believe our friendship was perfect. And I hope both my boys will someday be as fortunate to have Ron in their lives. 

 

 "In the endless war against weakness and despair, {stories} are the bright rally-flags of hope and of emulation." - John Steinbeck

 

On How to Build a Fort

My dad always told me that when things break, they grow back stronger. My science teacher disagrees. She says that’s a “misconception” and that when something is broken, whatever comes after is still broken, but I don’t think so because, if it were true, Ronnie’s fingers wouldn’t have healed and he wouldn’t be my best friend.  

How it happened was like this. We were building a fort with some old wood we’d found in the small forest behind my backyard. The wood was dirty and warped and stained with rain and sun, but we didn’t mind because there was enough to build dreams and we had all day to do it. We just needed a few of my dad’s tools.

For the most part, my dad is pretty relaxed with me borrowing his things because he’d rather me be outside than watching TV or playing videogames.  His only rule is that I put everything back where it came from. I’ve learned, over the years to not break or bend or come close to forgetting this rule because the consequences are severe.

Ronnie, however, doesn’t really understand my dad or his rules so he isn’t afraid to get more tools or rakes or things we don’t need but look fun but are easily forgotten. When I say no, he gets mad and threatens to leave.

As much as Ronnie is fun and laughs and knows how to make almost everything better, he also has a slight temper. Especially when he’s wrong about something he thinks he’s right about. Like the time we were fishing in the small pond near his house and he thought he could catch a bullfrog with a bobber.  I told him it wouldn’t work but he didn’t believe me and spent most of his time trying and cursing. When I started catching them with my net, he started complaining that my bobbers weren’t the right size and that’s why he wasn’t catching them. When I told him he’s just too dumb to catch bullfrogs he threw down the fishing pole, my fishing pole, and stomped off, leaving his bobber bobbing up and down, silently, like a bobber should. Until the biggest bullfrog I’d ever seen gulped it down, but Ronnie was too far away and I never told him about it.

See what I mean though? A temper.

And I can always tell when Ronnie’s starting to get upset because he starts saying things that are completely unrelated to what we’re doing. Like when I told him he wasn’t building the fort correctly, that we should be using the wood to cover the walls first, so people couldn’t see in, he started talking about his other friend Jake and how he was going to take him camping instead of me.

I pretended not to care and went to get more nails from the garage, and that’s when I found the hatchet.  It was an older hatchet with a smooth handle and a couple of nails pounded into the top to keep the blade from flying off. The tip of the blade had a few small knicks in it, like it had been beaten against the side of a nail or something, but I didn’t care, I just knew we needed it. So I fit the handle inside my belt loop, grabbed a handful of nails, and headed back to Ronnie and our fort, the handle of the hatchet dangling down and knocking my knee.

When I got to the fort, Ronnie was tearing bark of a nearby tree – the roof of the fort had collapsed, just like I knew it would. 

“What happened?” I asked.

“You didn’t build the walls strong enough,” he said, tearing off a large piece of bark and throwing it at the fort.

“Stop doing that,” I said, dropping the nails and pulling out the hatchet, “My dad hates it when we damage the trees.” 

Ronnie pulled off another piece then walked over to the fort.

“I told you,” I said moving a few pieces of wood with the hatchet, “we need to build stronger walls before working on the roof.”

“If we don’t have a roof then everything we put inside will get wet,” Ronnie argued, and I could see him eyeing my hatchet.

“I know,” I argued, holding up the hatchet and inspecting the blade, “but we need stronger walls first.”  I put the hatchet back into my belt loop and picked up one of the larger pieces of scrap wood, “Get the other end,” I said, nodding.

Ronnie threw the piece of bark at me, missed, then picked up the other end, “Where’d you get that hatchet?”  We set the wood across the three 2x4s that were sticking up from the ground, “Hold this,” I responded.

Ronnie walked over, “Let me do it,” he said, reaching for the hatchet.

“Hold on, let me do this one first.”  I turned the hatchet backward and used it like a hammer, the way my dad does when we’re camping and he can’t find his hammer. 

The two nails went in quickly.  “My turn,” Ronnie said, again reaching for the hatchet.

“Hold on, let me check something real quick,” I inspected the wood, its sturdiness, its quality, and other things that take time, a trained eye, and a hatchet.

“Brian,” Ronnie said, “just give me the hatchet.  You don’t need it for that.”

“One minute,” I said, making my final inspections, “okay – good,” finally handing it over.

He grabbed it, “Hold this for me.”  And I did

Ronnie and I have built dozens of forts over the years and every time we do, without exception, someone gets hurt. Sometimes both of us do. Like the time we uncovered a bee’s nest and we each got stung three times. Ronnie blamed me because I hit the nest with a stick, but that’s not true. When I told him so, and that he didn’t know anything about bees and nests and how to get rid of them, he started throwing small rocks at me until we couldn’t take the bee stings anymore and had to run to Jake’s house to see if we could swim in his pool.

So, it was inevitable that after giving Ronnie the hatchet and watching him pound in a few nails, someone would get hurt.

“Okay,” I said, “give it back. I need it for something.”

“I’m not done yet,” he said, looking through the pile of warped and rotting wood.

“Ronnie, it’s mine, give it to me,” I said, reaching for it.

He held it back and kept looking for something, but I think he was just stalling.

“Ronnie,” I yelled, “Give it back, it’s mine!”

He turned, “I was going to change my mind and take you camping instead of Jake, but now I’m not.”

“I don’t care!” I said even though I did,” Take ‘em.  Just give me the hatchet!” and I reached again for it.  

“You’re a dick!” Ronnie yelled and threw the hatchet toward the little ditch that ran alongside our yard.  It wasn’t very deep, but it was muddy. 

“What are you doing!” I yelled, pushing him in the chest, “That’s my dads!”

Ronnie stumbled back a bit then rushed at me because he’s a fighter. I’m not. Even though I’m taller and a bit stronger than most of my friends, I’ve never been in a fight. Ever. But Ronnie has, several times, “because sometimes, you have to,” he says, but I didn’t really know what that meant.

So when Ronnie picked up a stick and started swinging, I picked one up too, to defend myself. But Ronnie wasn’t defending, he was swinging and swinging, like warriors do in those old movies, and I was scared because my hands started to sting and Ronnie was getting closer and closer.

Then, suddenly, after a really hard swing, Ronnie’s stick broke. The shattered piece twisted around and smacked me on the shoulder, stinging more than the bee stings combined, but it didn’t matter because now I had the bigger stick; the piece left in Ronnie’s hands wasn’t much bigger than the hatchet.

So he threw it at me, and missed. But I didn’t. When I swung, I hit him square on his hand, and the crack sounded like the breaking of a stick.

Instantly, Ronnie started yelling and screaming and crying. I’d never seen Ronnie cry before so I didn’t know what to do but get my mom. She checked his fingers, put ice on them, then sent him home and I was left to clean up the fort and search for the hatchet. By the time I found it, my dad was home, Ronnie’s finger was broken, and I wished I hadn’t I hit him.

“How’s the fort?” my dad asked, “Okay,” I said. “It keeps falling down.”

“It’s because you didn’t build the walls strong enough,” he said, then showed me how.

I didn’t talk to Ronnie for almost three days but it should have been a whole week. My mom said we needed a break from each other so I asked if I could go for a bike ride instead. When I rode past his house, Ronnie was in the front yard, and he was wearing a cast.

“Holy crap!” I said, riding over, “how long do you have to wear that?”

“Just a few weeks,” he said, and he was smiling. We both laughed.

“Does it hurt?” I asked.

“No, it just itches.”  He turned his hand over, like we were both inspecting it for further breaks, “I’ve already lost two pen caps inside,” he said.

We both laughed again and the new kid came crawling out from behind the bushes that line Ronnie’s house, “What’s so funny?” he asked, holding a football.

Ronnie ignored the question, “Wanna play?” he asked.

“Sure,” and I set my bike against the tree, “here” I said, holding out my hands and jogging away from the new kid.  His pass fell about three feet short and several yards behind me.

Ronnie laughed.  So did I, and I couldn’t stop.  I ran over, picked up the football, threw it to Ronnie who tried catching it with his one good hand but dropped it quickly, and we laughed a little harder. 

When Ronnie threw it to the new kid, it slipped through his hands and hit him right on the forehead and I fell down laughing. I could hear Ronnie’s high pitched laugh, the one that comes out only when he’s losing control, and it made me feel good. I laughed even harder.

The new kid didn’t seem to get it though.

He’d moved in about a week prior and lived just down the street, and he had an older sister.  When they first moved in, we tried to find the window to her bedroom, but never did. 

The new kid tried once more to throw a pass but I didn’t even try running after it, “What the hell man,” I yelled, the ball bouncing awkwardly a few times in the grass, “Next time we’re gonna invite your sister.”

I heard the footsteps coming before I saw him, but not in time.  When I looked up, the new kid was already there and he ran into me like a wrecking ball and I landed on my back, the wind knocked out of me. I tried to breath, but I couldn’t, and the new kid stood above me, tears in his eyes and lower lip quivering.

Ronnie came flying out of nowhere and jumped on the kid’s back, cast and all, and they both stumbled forward. But the new kid was big and mean and he threw Ronnie off. Ronnie ran and the new kid chased after him.

When my breath finally came back, I ran after them both. Ronnie turned at the street, which gave me a side shot at the new kid, but he saw me coming and sidestepped then pushed me so hard I almost fell again. But I didn’t. Instead, I shoved him back.

I was ready for my first fight, because I had to, because Ronnie is my friend.

The new kid put up his fists.

I didn't know what to do, so I stood there and Ronnie came back and stood next to me, and we stood there, together, as the new kid held up his fists and fought back tears.  He looked from me to Ronnie then back to me, his fists up and ready.

“Hey!”  Ronnie’s mom yelled from the front door, “You knock that off!” 

We turned.  She was standing halfway out the front door, one foot outside and one foot in, “Ronnie, I think your friends need to go home. It’s dinner time!”

We looked back at the new kid who glared at us both for a bit then turned and ran home.

Ronnie and I looked at each other, “You wanna stay for dinner?” he asked.

“Sure,” and we turned toward the house, “but first I gotta call my parents.”

Ronnie’s mom looked up from the stove, “I thought I said your friends needed to go home?’

Ronnie and I looked at one another, “But -” and he looked from me to his mom and she looked at me, “Okay.  But the other kid is gone?”

“Yes,” Ronnie said, and I picked up the phone to call home.

After dinner, I signed Ronnie’s cast and wrote, “Sorry.”  Ronnie said he was too and within a week, his cast we off.

We never saw the new kid again, or his sister, because his family moved away a few days later. But we did finish the fort, and when we went back, after the long and brutal winter, it was still there. So we built a different fort. And this time, no one got hurt.

 

In memory of my loyal and forgiving friend, Ron Hardy. 

 

Thank you for reading. 

 

 

How to be Creative

If you look past the narrators voice, this video is actually really inspiring.

There is a secret that real writers know that wannabe writers don't. It is not the writing part that's hard. What's hard is sitting down to write.

Resistance is what stands between the life we live and our unlived life - between what we are and what we want to become. Resistance is to be considered evil. Yet, it can be helpful. It points us to our true calling, it can be felt when we fear starting a creative project. This fear means it is something that we need to do, something that we have a deep love for. . . the more resistance you feel towards a project, the more satisfaction you will have when you finish it.

We can beat resistance by how we conduct our creative projects. In short, the amateur waits for inspiration. The professional knows that it will come after he starts." The professional acts in the face of fear. 

Then, at some point unexpected, the muse will come, and we'll be able to catch it. 

 

 

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Inspiration  :  On Living

 

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Before bears hibernate and the kids move out

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My friend recently asked, "How's the house coming?" "Slowly, but deliberately," I told him, but that was only partially true because, in all honesty, it's not really going. In fact, it's crawling. Our lamps don't have shades, our kids are sleeping in sleeping bags, and up until yesterday, waffles were made by eyeing the measurements for ingredients - thanks friends for sending us measuring cups!

We don't have much, but we have enough. The desire though, to buy and build and make a home, to design rooms and decorate walls is infectious and, at times, pretty consuming.

It's how we spend our evenings, our weekends, and where we devote our thoughts and dreams until, suddenly, we stop it hits us; we're running out of time.

A few years ago, October 1st became a family holiday weekend, and with most of our kids never having see an American Fall, we planned to continue the tradition this year. But then the van needed work, the cupboards ached to be filled, and the pile of ungraded papers jeered and sneered and sat. So, on the Tuesday before we were supposed to go, we cancelled.

That night, standing outside the van and camper we'd just dropped off at Josey's parents, we argued about the week, the cancelled weekend, and why we even moved back to the States. We had hoped and dreamed for more family time and simple adventures together. Not garage sales and weekend projects. 

In an instant, under the dimming sky and beside a row of towering evergreens, I suddenly changed my mind. "Let's go," I said. "The camper may not work, but we have a tent, blankets, and a van that can get us there. Let's just go."

That quickly, the plans were back on. But by the next morning, once again, I had my doubts.

Then, this song came to mind:

What I love about this song is not the lyrics or the immediate significance, but the memory I have of when I first heard it. I was around ten and my dad had taken my brother and I fishing to some northern lake. We stayed in a truck camper, watched the Chicago Bulls win the NBA Finals over the Los Angeles Lakers in a bar that over looked the lake, and for the first time, ate hash browns and eggs, "a fisherman's breakfast." 

I remember asking what a silver spoon was and, even at the age of ten, feeling the weight and significance of wasted time and, more importantly, not being able to get it back.  

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw, I said, not today
I got a lot to do, he said, that's okay
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
Said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him

"Yeah," I told myself, "we need to go camping."

By Thursday night, we were huddled and cuddled in a small cabin just outside Casper. Because the cupboards can wait; making a life and spending time with our kids can't. 

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Yet, somehow I still wasn't convinced. Every time I filled up the van, whenever we paid for our campsite or loaded up on PB&J's, hot chocolate, and dried oatmeal, I felt guilty, nervous, and overcome with doubt. "Is this wise? Am I doing what's best for my family?" Because right now, there is nothing saved for them. No college fund, no two months security savings, and no promise that if the van breaks down I can afford to get them home without calling family for help. 

Shouldn't we have just stayed home?

When we pulled into the campsite, "Beware of the Bear" signs were posted and stapled everywhere and each campsite came with a "Bear Box" - a metal box with a small lock meant to keep the bears at bay because, "Bears are scavenging for their last bit of food before they hibernate." 

Whenever bears are mentioned, even if it's in passing because one was sighted almost ten years ago, every sound, every gust of wind, and every movement in the dark is a bear coming to feed on me or my children. That night, I slept with the axe nearby. By 3:30 I was up and building a fire because I can only assume they're terrified of fires. If not, I don't want to hear about it. Leave me my simple comforting lies. 

My family wouldn't knuckle the sleep from their eyes for another four hours, so I had some time alone, in the dark, with my axe, coffee, and wandering thoughts. And, once more, I mulled over our decision to leave for the weekend. 

What's one weekend away? Does it really make a difference? 

What's one weekend at home? Does it really matter if we're home or not?

I had no answers. Just doubts. And something was wrestling over there, by the tent, but no worries, it's just Judah going to the bathroom. 

"Morning buddy," I say, adding a few more logs on the fire.

"Morning" he mumbles, heading back into the tent. 

And the doubts continue, Do my kids even notice? Do they even care? 

The answer would have to wait because Elias was starting to fuss and Josey could use a morning of sleeping in and the sun was about to rise, so why not go for a walk?

A half hour later, Elias and I made our way back to the campsite and were greeted by laughter, simple morning conversation, and the snap and crackle of a newly enlivened fire.

We made breakfast, drank hot chocolate, and cuddled under blankets. We talked of bears, why evergreens are called Evergreens, and wrestled with what would happen if our thumbs fell off?

Seriously. What would happen? 

For hours, Judah and Eden lined up matches all along the rim of the fire pit and watched as the heat finally won over and set the little red tips on fire and Zion climbed WAY TOO HIGH up a nearby tree because, this is what happens when we get out into the woods and away from home, we find ourselves in spontaneous and unpredictable moments, moments always hoped for and cherished as a parent. 

Then it was time to get more wood.

"Dad," Judah said while I stacked a small pile onto his outstretched arms, "Don't forget we need to cut a pile to leave behind."

I hadn't forgotten and was hoping neither had he. Ever since our trip to the Great Wall, It's been a short tradition, leaving behind a "bless you" gift, and has become a staple of our camping adventures. When we returned, arms full of wood to leave behind, our campground neighbor walked over, "to see how many kids you have." he said.

He was a friendly man, as most campers tend to be, and he was out camping with his son. "I wanted to leave three days ago," he says, "but my son wanted to stay a few extra nights, so we stayed." He nods at his son who is a freshman in college and busy tearing down their tent. "I tried camping with them as much as I could," he says, reaching out and tugging Elias' thick onzie, "but I regret not doing it more." 

We talked for a bit more about the weather, the fishing in Wisconsin and how we both would rather fish in Canada. Then, he bids us good luck in the coming storm, and heads back to his son, Chrysler minivan, and their long ride home. When they pulled out, he waved, and I felt a little sense of relief. 

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Maybe we are a bit reckless in going to the mountains when our lives are in chaos, maybe I should have stayed home, worked on the house, and saved money on gas and simple cabins, but we didn't. Instead, we went to the mountains, and I think I'm okay with that because, when it's all over, when Judah, in eight short years, is on to his freshman year or Elias is packing up to move across the world, or my girls no longer fit in my lap and ask for morning hugs, I don't want to "regret not doing it more." I want to be confident that I did my best, that I soaked up every moment and minute I could, and that I worked hard for my kids to always know that they came before things or jobs or financial security. I want them to know that when life was hard, Dad made time for them, and that he took them camping

I want, "{they'd} grown up just like me" to mean they've become collectors of memories, not things. That pockets full of pinecones and shoes full of burrs are more precious than rooms full of furniture or bank accounts full of cash.

In the future, if I have to apologize to my kids, I want it to be because we built too many campfires, spent too much time counting the stars, and collected too many lakeside rocks. 

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How is our house? It's empty.

How is our life? It's chaotic.

But how are our hearts? They're full. Because for a long and beautiful weekend, we had nothing but each other, the mountains, and a collection of simple moments that will last a lifetime. We had am eight hour car ride in a seventeen year old van where, with the snow swirling outside, my kids sat in the back and talked about whatever kids talk about. 

Our hearts are full because we have each other, sweet friends, and few distractions. 

Although I'm never really quite sure if what I'm doing is what I should be doing, I do know I can never go wrong with investing in life with family because I wasn't put here to make a living life. I was put here to make a life - for me, and my family. 

And sometimes, that means coffee in the mountains, instead of breakfast at home.

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For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  The Mountains have a Way  :  Get Out More - Tetons, 2017

 

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Old Portraits on Weathered Canvases

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Working atop faded street maps, vintage National Geographic magazine covers, and decades-old stationery, London-based artist Mark Powell (previously) draws the wrinkled contours of his subject’s faces with a standard black Bic ballpoint pen. The weathered portraits of both famous and anonymous people reflect his antiquated canvases both in texture and tone as he traces the topographies of their faces across literal street maps or paper materials that have traversed the world. Powell’s drawings have grown in both scale and detail over the years, magnifying the impact and density of each piece. You can see more of his recent work on his website where he sells a number of prints and quite a few originals (via).
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By recycling the envelopes, he is in some way preserving a bit of history and the tales behind the sender. He says this is why his work, which is primarily portraiture, focuses on older characters that appear to tell their own stories from the very creases and wrinkles of their faces (via).
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Powell’s portraits are amusing in the way they incorporate the lines and postage stamps of the envelopes into the wrinkles and shading of each distinct face. Each portrait becomes as much about the canvas as it is about the person depicted, adding another layer to examine as the viewer gets lost in the eyes of the subject (via).
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"Each portrait becomes as much about the canvas as it is about the person depicted, adding another layer to examine as the viewer gets lost in the eyes of the subject." I love that. 

The dance between our lives and the canvas and the struggle of muddling through the many layers so as not to be lost, or thrown away with yesterday's trash, and forgotten. 

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This one might be my favorite.

 

You can see more of Mike Powell's work on his website or following his blog where will find some cool postings on Music to Draw to, Parts I and II, and other cool things.

 

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Art  :  Beautiful Portraits

 

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Some pretty awesome drone shots

Nature and Romance

Nature and Romance

 Niaz is a director, commercial photographer and film maker based out of Los Angeles who loves "creating awesome stuff!" 

These arial shots seem to fall easily into such a category.

Laguna Beach

Laguna Beach

Lost in a Forest

Lost in a Forest

California Sunset

California Sunset

Pursuit of Happiness

Pursuit of Happiness

Floating

Floating

Santa Monica

Santa Monica

You can see more of Niaz's work in his portfolio or follow him on Instagram.

 

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Guardian's best drone photography  :  Photos

 

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One Team - One Country : When a President embraced a controversial sport

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Every now and then, Sports and ESPN actually have something worth sharing.

The documentary, The 16th Man, is perhaps one of the greatest short films about race, love, reconciliation, and humility that I've ever seen. 

There could be no democracy without peace. No liberation without reconciliation (via).

I understand that there are many differences that break the parallel between Nelson Mandela's story and President Trump's current narrative, and I get that to compare the two is unfair, for many reasons, but the climate is pretty close. Or, at least, it could easily become so.

But where I ache to have a president like Mandela is this: Mandela loved his enemies as much as his friends. Instead of creating division and instilling fear, he calmed and soothed tension, even inviting those who hated him to be some of his trusted advisors - much like another great President. Mandela, through grace and patience,  prevented a war. He didn't instigate them. Because he understood that his role, his power, was to be used as a tool to serve, unite clashing people groups, and embrace an entire country - not just those with whom he agreed. 

After spending 27 years in prison, Nelson Mandela, president of the very people who imprisoned him, believed more in the power of love and compassion and forgiveness than he did in the guns.

So, when it came to sport and the debated Springbok, Nelson Mandela embraced it, believing it had the power to change the world. 

"In a country torn apart by racism, the game of rugby was a symbol of violent division. Yet, one man say it as a path for peace, when all roads seemed to lead to civil war."

The Springbok, the sport of rugby, was a symbol of their country, so Mandela embraced it, and the men who played it, uniting 43 million South Africans. 

And the people chanted their president's name, rejoicing, as one.

For more on . . .

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Open thoughts on a broken family : The Human Being Stuff

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“After listening to your audio I was unsure how to respond, which is the reason for my delayed response. I see our situation different than you described, so I am not sure what to say or what counsel to give. I will keep praying for wisdom to respond correctly and for all our hearts to be ready for reconciliation.”

For the past twenty something years, I’ve been a part of a broken family, and in the last few years, the heights of tension and dissension have reached beyond comprehension. So, it is with little shock that most all of the podcasts and articles and movies I’ve listened to, read, and watched have been filtered through a lens of brokenness. And because there is no one to vent them to (outside my wife of course), I’ve begun to write them down.

I have no conclusions or eureka moments, just thoughts and questions. Maybe you do to, if you've experienced or are experiencing something similar. Maybe not. Either way, I hope you find these ramblings of thoughts and connections encouraging, even if it only means we are struggling and hoping and floundering together.

This is probably going to be at least a two-part series. I’m not sure yet. It depends on how therapeutic it is. But we’ll worry about that later.

For now, here’s the first posting. It’s entitled, “The Human Being Stuff”

 

After the 2016 elections, John Pavolvic lost contact with several of his friends. In an open letter to them all, he tried to explain why.

I know you may believe this disconnection is about politics, but I want you to know that this simply isn’t true. It’s nothing that small or inconsequential, or this space between us wouldn’t be necessary. This is about fundamental differences in the ways in which we view the world and believe other people should be treated. It’s not political stuff, it’s human being stuff — which is why finding compromise and seeing a way forward is so difficult.

I love that line, “It’s not political stuff, it’s human being stuff” because, although it’s completely vague, it’s also completely perfect. “The human being stuff.” Just perfect.

He continues,

I cannot have political debates with these people. Our disagreement is not merely political, but a fundamental divide on what it means to live in a society, how to be a good person, and why any of that matters.

Replace “political” with religion, and that’s where I’m at. But really, replace it with parenting, sexuality, or anything else that deals with the human being stuff and that’s where many families and friendships are at – divided and broken.

Like Pavlovitz, I find it difficult to carry on a conversation with anyone whose basic foundation of what it means to be human is completely different than my own. And when those people are called family, it gets even harder, and when family hardships and differences are constantly shielded by the “let’s pray about it” comments, it becomes nearly impossible.

Anyone who knows me, or my family, knows we are a splintered mess. We don’t talk, we judge before we speak, and we choose ourselves over others time and time again. 

Maybe you can relate?

From the outside, however, my family looks okay, sometimes even healthy, but behind the whitewashed exteriors of ourselves, we are rotting, dying, and full of crap. If we’re honest.

A few weeks ago, I stumbled across a tribute to the comedian George Carlin. In it, Louis CK shares some thoughts on what made Carlin so great and how his approach to comedy saved Louis’ career. While watching, I couldn’t help but wonder if his advice could also save Pavlovitz’s friendships and, possible, my family.

One night, in Louis CK’s early years, after yet another disastrous show, he found himself alone, in his car, wrestling with the reality that after fifteen years of diligent work, all he had to show for it was fifteen years of the same “shitty material,” and he was mournfully ready to give up. Until he heard George Carlin talking about his comedic process: at the end of every year, he threw all of his material away, and started over. Louis couldn’t believe it. It took him years to build up his material, how was he supposed to throw it all away?

But he did. And now, he is one of the most respected comedians of our time.

“When you’re done telling jokes about airplanes and dogs” Louis explains, “you throw those away,” forcing yourself to find new material and to “dig deeper.” Deeper into everyday life and deeper into what makes us, us. “You start talking about your feelings,” Louis continues, “and who you are. And then you do those jokes and when they’re gone, you gotta dig deeper and then you start thinking about your fears and your nightmares and doing jokes about that.”

Fears and nightmares and the things that we try so hard to hide and disguise, even though they are the raw and real part of humanity, the human being stuff that every family has to deal with because it too is part of life, part of us, and part of growing and living and loving together.

But my family doesn’t go there. Maybe you can relate?

Instead, we talk about airplanes and dogs and prayer. We talk about forgiveness and love and what God would have us do in our lives and how to serve and read and worship His holy name, and when things get a little messy, a little hard and raw and real, we again talk about prayer, never our fears and nightmares. Never our sins and guilts and mistakes for those are better left locked behind closed doors so no one can see them, just hear them, as they scream and yell and cry in the darkness. “Lord reveal us” we pray, backs pressing against the door, legs straining against the pounding and thrashing, “give wisdom on what to do and how to reconcile” we pray, and the pounding and screaming lurches through the walls, down the halls, and through bed covers that are tightly held over little heads and jammed into little ears.

Then, when prayers continually go unanswered, when the family remains broken and yet another holiday passes us by, we reach for pen and paper, or sometimes a blog, and write the same shitty material we’ve been rehearsing for the past fifteen years.

So what now?

Where do we go from here?

How does prayer and prayer alone reconcile? Does it bend the hearts of the wicked to see the right and true path and the error of their ways?

If so, which one of us is the wicked and which is the righteous?

More importantly, how do we deal with all of the human being stuff? Because, after fifteen years of the same rhetorical sweeping, it no longer fits under the prayer rug. 

 

THANKS FOR READING.

Three movies worth watching

I posted a bit ago about a few movies I was looking forward to watching and perhaps brewing coffee for. One of them was The Big Sick, and tonight, Josey and I finally got a chance to sit and watch it. We loved it.

Over the past few years, the role of conflict within literature has been a major focal point in my teaching. More recently, however, it's truths and lessons have jumped from the pages and fled from the classroom, attaching itself to my everyday life and opening my eyes to its simple truth: the purpose of conflict is to reveal truth. For the individual, and for the community.

The best of stories us conflict to reveal something about ourselves. 

"Love isn't easy. That's why they call it love"

This movie is brilliant. 

 

I'm terrified to see this movie. The book was so crazy good that, one of the best I've ever read, because the conflict of good and right and innocence and "best for he child" is just so poetic and raw that I found my stomach literally in knots. I think I even threw the book a couple times, I was so angry and sad and frustrated and unable to hold such beautiful and difficult pages. If this movie botches it even slightly, it will ruin the everything. Especially my breakfast.

 

In a world of "Tiny Homes" and #vanlife, a movie that takes downsizing to the greatest extreme seems brilliant - especially since it will probably (and hopefully) deal with much more than the idea of simply living smaller, because, "sometimes you think you're living in the real world, and then something happens, and you realize, you're not."

 

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Leonard Cohen's, Leaving the Table

I've never really been a Leonard Cohen fan, but this song got me.

In a posthumous new video for Leonard Cohen's "Leaving The Table," an animated paper cutout of the late singer dances and flies over a cityscape of Montreal, free as a bird, untethered from the mortal world.
"I'm leaving the table," he sings as the animated Cohen spins, dips and flits by scenes from his past life. "I'm out of the game / I don't know the people / In your picture frame." It's a tribute that's both heartbreaking and beautiful, revealing an artist who left the world content that he'd lived every moment to his fullest.
The video, conceived and directed by Christopher Mills, premiered at last night's Polaris Music Prize ceremony. "Leaving The Table" is from Cohen's You Want It Darker, released in October 2016, just days before the singer's death (via).

I'm Leaving the Table, by Leonard Cohen
 

I'm leaving the table
I'm out of the game
I don't know the people
In your picture frame
If I ever loved you or no, no
It's a crying shame if I ever loved you
If I knew your name

You don't need a lawyer
I'm not making a claim
You don't need to surrender
I'm not taking aim

I don't need a lover, no, no
The wretched beast is tame
I don't need a lover
So blow out the flame

There's nobody missing
There is no reward
Little by little
We're cutting the cord
We're spending the treasure, oh, no, no
That love cannot afford
I know you can feel it
The sweetness restored


I don't need a reason
For what I became
I've got these excuses
They're tired and lame
I don't need a pardon, no, no, no, no, no
There's no one left to blame
I'm leaving the table
I'm out of the game

I'm leaving the table
I'm out of the game

 

Kinda reminds me of Johnny Cash's remake, Hurt

 

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Seed of Hypocrisy : Power of Vulnerability

"He (John Proctor) is a sinner, a sinner not only against the moral fashion of his time, but against his own vision of decent conduct. These people (the Puritans) had no ritual for the washing away of sins. It is another trait we inherited from them, and it has helped to discipline us well to breed hypocrisy among us. Proctor, respected and even feared in Salem, has come to regard himself as a kind of fraud."

This quote, from Arthur Miller's The Crucible, was penned in the 1950's and stands as a defining critique against our current humanity. But it doesn't need to be. 

Over the past few years I have been wrestling with the idea and role of apology because, from what I can gather, it seems to be the only ritual we have that can "wash away our sins." Where deep and sincere apologies are present, and where both parties willingly and lovingly choose to lay their faults and mistakes down before another, the sweetest of reconciliation suddenly invades the room, empathy replaces justification, and wounds of separation become battle scars of a beautiful victory. For just as light beats away the darkness, so too does vulnerability erase hypocrisy, trapping it in the darkness from whence it came. 

However, where defensiveness and justification dwell, hypocrisy reigns, enslaved to a life much like Proctor's: feared by many and a fraud to all.

Until the music starts to play.

For the past week or so, in preparation for The Crucible, my Junior English class and I have been researching the life and ideas of the Puritans - the breaking off from the church of England in hopes of religious freedom, their emphasis on hard work, and their unrelenting suppression of emotions and sin. As a wrap up as well as an introduction to the play, we watched the opening scene to Jaws - Chrissie's Last Swim. But before starting the short clip I asked the students, "What role does the music play in this scene?" Then I pressed play.

Even before Chrissie is tugged beneath the water, because of the iconic "duuh-duh" we know something bad is going to happen - that disaster is eminent. Just like life for the Puritans.

"Reading about the Puritans, there should be a sort of "duuh-duh" playing in the background," I said to my students, "Why?"

"Because the conditions we're perfect for disaster," they said. And they're right.

Conditions for the early settlers were extremely harsh. Food was scarce, the weather cold and difficult, and the religious freedom they were hoping to escape from was as distant as their family and friends back in England. To make matters worse, they were expected to live and think and be perfect - because they believed themselves to be like the Egyptians of old, God's chosen people headed to the Promised Land. And God's chosen people don't lust, lose their temper, or envy thy neighbor's land. Because they're God's chosen people.

And as such, they had no need for repentance.

Duuuuh-duh. Duuh-duh. 

As Arthur Miller said, "it is a trait we inherited from them, and it has helped to discipline us well to breed hypocrisy among us." Respected and even feared, we have come to regard ourselves as a kind of fraud, and we're terrified of being found out.

Because, "there are aspects to all of us that, if they were exposed to a harsh or unsympathetic critic, would result in sever humiliation and mockery . . . From close up, we are, none of us, reliably impressive. We get agitated, fretful, cantankerous, and panicky.  Under the pressure of events, we shout, slam doors, let out screams, or wails" (via).

We are clumsy and constantly worried about how others will see us, how and where our careers and families are going, and we worry that we may not be loved (or loved the right way), all the while, forgetting to love, give, and think of others. 

Just like the Puritans (duuh-duh), 

It's no surprise, then, that, because of our hypocrisy, we struggle to gain and keep sincere relationships: because we don't quite grasp the importance of vulnerability.

There are moments where the revelation of weakness, far from being a catastrophe, is the only possible root to connection and respect. At points, we may dare to explain, with rare frankness, that we are afraid, we are sometimes bad, and that we have done many silly things. And rather than appalling our companions, these revelations may serve to endear us to them, humanizing us in their eyes, and letting them feel that their own vulnerabilities have echoes in the lives of others.

Vulnerability can be a bedrock of friendship. Friendship properly understood, not just or primarily as a process of admiration, but as an exchange of sympathy and consolation for the troublesome business of being alive.

Why don't we do this? Why don't I do this?

Because swimming naked in deep, dark water is dangerous. Better to stay on the beach and get defensive, to find ways my wife has hurt or failed me so I can quickly cover my inadequicies and truly unimpressive self with excuses and stories.

Fortunately for me though, my wife is a terrible Puritan.

In the midst of my selfish rants, my wife will often take a risk and become vulnerable. With tears in her eyes, she will apologize, and when I don' hear it for what it is, she apologizes again - even for things that aren't completely her fault, and completely disarms the situation. Suddenly, everything changes. Suddenly, my need to be good and perfect and strong seem petty and stupid and completely selfish. Suddenly, instead of moving further away, we come move closer and begin to share and acknowledge the troublesome business of being human, together, neither caring who is right and who is wrong. 

This vulnerability, this willingness and ability to admit fault and seek forgiveness is our "washing away of sins" that keeps us from the vicious pits of hypocrisy. We are all wounded, worried, and damaged. Pretending not to be is mere pretense, and it is a denial of our membership of the human race. A human race full of imperfections and blemishes that are just waiting to be revealed and then forgiven. 

It is something of {major} tragedy that we should spend so much of our lives striving to hide our weakness when it is in fact only upon the dignified sharing of our {failures} that true friendship and love can arise."

Only then, will we no longer hear the music.

Standing, for a moment, with refugees

Refugees, primarily from Syria, Afghanistan and Iraq prepare to board a train at a refugee transit camp, or reception center for refugees and migrants, in Gevgelija, Macedonia on October 2, 2015.

Refugees, primarily from Syria, Afghanistan and Iraq prepare to board a train at a refugee transit camp, or reception center for refugees and migrants, in Gevgelija, Macedonia on October 2, 2015.

The refugee crisis is inescapable in today’s news. Striking visuals emerging from Europe, the Middle East, and Africa illustrate a story of both desperation and hope. These images allow viewers to stand for a moment alongside migrants and refugees fleeing their home countries in search of a new life and new opportunities.
Refugees and migrants enter a registration and transit center in Opatovac, Croatia, on October 7, 2015. Approximately 4000-5000 people, mostly from Afghanistan, Iraq, and Syria, pass through this border town every day on their way to Western Europe.

Refugees and migrants enter a registration and transit center in Opatovac, Croatia, on October 7, 2015. Approximately 4000-5000 people, mostly from Afghanistan, Iraq, and Syria, pass through this border town every day on their way to Western Europe.

On November 14-15, the Tufts Institute for Global Leadership (IGL) and VII Photo Agency mark 10 years of collaboration with a series of seminars and workshops at VII Perspectives: Migration. VII founder and Chair of IGL’s Program for Narrative and Documentary Practice, Gary Knight, will be joined by leading VII photojournalists for two days of dialogue and hands-on experience. A selection of several of the photographers’ work on the refugee crisis is highlighted below (via).
One thousand migrants and refugees from countries including Iraq, Syria, Pakistan, and Afghanistan, as well as regions of the Balkans and Africa at an emergency shelter at Olympia Stadiom in Berlin, Germany on September 24, 2015.

One thousand migrants and refugees from countries including Iraq, Syria, Pakistan, and Afghanistan, as well as regions of the Balkans and Africa at an emergency shelter at Olympia Stadiom in Berlin, Germany on September 24, 2015.

 

Photos by Ashley Gilbertson

Ashley Gilbertson’s images capture refugees – mostly from Iraq, Syria, Pakistan, and Afghanistan, as well as regions of the Balkans and Africa – on their way into and through Europe during September 2015.

The exodus of people from Africa, Central Asia, and the Middle East to Europe is the largest movement of people since World War II. Working in the refugee transit centers, which see thousands of people daily, the photographer notes that conditions at some of the camps are getting slightly better. However, some conditions – such as five hour train rides packed so tightly there is no room to move beyond the spot people are standing – reflect challenges in addressing the scale of the crisis.

Refugees primarily from Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan are called to by volunteers as they land near Scala, on the island of Lesvos, Greece on September 30, 2015.

Refugees primarily from Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan are called to by volunteers as they land near Scala, on the island of Lesvos, Greece on September 30, 2015.

Refugees primarily from Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan are helped by volunteers as they disembark boats near Scala, on the island of Lesvos, Greece on September 30, 2015. The Agean sea is particularly rough, with the first signs of winter storms beginn…

Refugees primarily from Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan are helped by volunteers as they disembark boats near Scala, on the island of Lesvos, Greece on September 30, 2015. The Agean sea is particularly rough, with the first signs of winter storms beginning today. Many refugees were sea sick, some to the point of life threatening conditions due to dehydration and cold.

Kadoni Kinan, 26, a volunteer, helps a young Syrian boy as he disembarks a boat near Scala, on the island of Lesvos, Greece on September 30, 2015. Kadoni Kinan left his home in Saragep, Syria five years ago. Kinan successfully filed for refugee stat…

Kadoni Kinan, 26, a volunteer, helps a young Syrian boy as he disembarks a boat near Scala, on the island of Lesvos, Greece on September 30, 2015. Kadoni Kinan left his home in Saragep, Syria five years ago. Kinan successfully filed for refugee status, and today lives in Belgium, where he studies Flemish at school and volunteers for the Red Cross.

 

Photos by Ed Kashi

In November 2013, photographer Ed Kashi went to Iraq and Jordan, working with the International Medical Corps (IMC). IMC is a humanitarian non-profit organization that provides aid and relief to those affected by conflict and crisis.

The photographer’s work reflects IMC’s efforts to increase awareness and improve not only the physical, but also the mental health of young refugees plagued by depression, fear, suffering, and the sense of a life turned upside down. His images intimately llustrates the plight of this lost generation.

Children gather in an enclave of tents at the Al Za'atri refugee camp for Syrians near Mafraq, Jordan on Nov. 25, 2013.

Children gather in an enclave of tents at the Al Za'atri refugee camp for Syrians near Mafraq, Jordan on Nov. 25, 2013.

A young girl enjoys a lollipop while watching shoppers in the Domiz Camp for Syrian Refugees just outside of Dohuk, Iraq on Nov. 23, 2013.

A young girl enjoys a lollipop while watching shoppers in the Domiz Camp for Syrian Refugees just outside of Dohuk, Iraq on Nov. 23, 2013.

Refugees walk through the overcrowded Al Za'atri refugee camp for Syrians, near Mafraq, Jordan on Nov. 17, 2013. There, International Medical Corps, IMC, is pushing to increase awareness and improve not only the physical, but also the mental health …

Refugees walk through the overcrowded Al Za'atri refugee camp for Syrians, near Mafraq, Jordan on Nov. 17, 2013. There, International Medical Corps, IMC, is pushing to increase awareness and improve not only the physical, but also the mental health of young refugees plagued by depression, fear, suffering, and the sense of a life turned upside down.

 

Photos by Ron Haviv

Like Maciek Nabrdalik’s, this selection of Ron Haviv’s photographs are centered on the Lesvos, Greece. There, he has captured the work of volunteers helping refugees to arrive safely, as well as the migrants’ journey once they have made it to shore.

A refugees looks towards Turkey after arriving on the Greek island of Lesbos.

A refugees looks towards Turkey after arriving on the Greek island of Lesbos.

Refugees arrive on the Greek island of Lesbos.

Refugees arrive on the Greek island of Lesbos.

A Spanish volunteer lifeguard helps refugees arrive on the Greek island of Lesbos.

A Spanish volunteer lifeguard helps refugees arrive on the Greek island of Lesbos.

While looking at these images of hope and love, I couldn't help but think, "Where is America?"

Then I remembered. We're building walls.

 

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Standardized Tests : More questions than answers

A typical classroom possess an endless variety of instructional strategies, assessment types, and teacher caps that service the needs of the vast variety of students and all their quirks, personalities, and interests. 

Then, after months of sweat and toil and learning everything is stripped down and discolored into a standardized test. A test which "may help us learn a little about a lot of people in a short time, but they usually can’t tell us a lot about a single person."

And t's been going on for thousands of years.

Think of a standardized test as a rule. A ruler’s usefulness depends on two things: First, the job we ask it to do. Our ruler can’t measure the temperature outside or how loud someone is singing. Second, the ruler’s usefulness depends on its design.

Rulers can’t measure the circumfrince of an orange, only length, because the ruler doesn’t have the flexibility required for the task at hand. “So, if standardized tests are given the wrong job or aren’t designed properly, they may end up measuring the wrong things.”

Like a child’s grasp of literacy or cultural familiarity, rather than their understanding of the content at hand.

Standardized tests can also have a hard time measuring abstract characteristics or skills such as creativity, critical thinking, and collaboration.

Perhaps the most crucial skills required and needed in our world today and in the future. 

It's like measuring the hight and weight of an athlete, rather than their actual play, and deciding if they'd make the team or not. 

It's passing the students who writes brilliant essays by skimming the text yet failing the ones who cry when Piggy dies  because they forget to turn in their homework. 

This, according to Sir Ken Robinson, is what's killing creativity and, possibly, the future. 

Our only hope for the future is to adapt a new conception of human ecology, one in which we start to reconstitute ourselves of the richness of human capacity. Our education system has mined our minds in the same way that we've strip-mined the Earth for a particular commodity, and for the future, it won't service. We have to rethink the fundamentals with which we are educating our children.
We have to use {human imagination} wisely . . . and see our creative capacities for the richness they are, and seeing our children for the hope that they are."

A hope that can't be measured with rulers or dots on paper. 

"The hardest part of learning something new isn't embracing new ideas, but letting go of old ones." 

So what if we get rid of standardized tests? What do we replace it with?

Is the education then left to the teachers? Administrators? Is there no longer any accountability and everyone is free to teach and learn and grow (or not) as they please?

Just because it has been thousand years of standardized tests, does that mean we should get rid of it?

If so, what? What do we fill it with? 

Sir Ken is fully inspiring and completely spot-on, and he never once mentions standardized testing. Is simply investing in the arts the answer? 

How can we truly measure all that humanity has to offer? 

How do we quantify creativity, ingenuity, and relationships? How do we measure humanity?

 

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  On Creativity  :  Don't do homework, publish!  :  Smartest Kids in the World

 

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A cargo ship's ridiculous 30-Day time lapse voyage.

Ever since I was a child, I wanted to travel the world on  barge. This video makes the regret palpable. 

Jeffrey Tsang is a maritime vlogger, sailor, and photographer on a container ship that travels across the globe. His latest video is a timelapse that captures 30 days of the barge’s journey, tracing its path from the Red Sea all the way to Hong Kong. The 4K video is composed of nearly 80,000 photos which capture breathtaking views of quickly shifting skies, deep red sunsets, and brilliant blue lightening amidst ferocious storms (via).

“Sailing in the open sea is a truly unique way to grasp how significantly small we are in the beautiful world,” says the Canadian photographer. “Chasing the endless horizon, witnessing the ever changing weather, and appreciating the bright stars and galaxies.”

Pay attention, too, to the small captions at the bottom. Pretty great stuff.

 

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The Lumineers ask, "What if?" with three brilliant videos

These three videos have stolen my attention for the last several days, and not only because I love these songs, but because of their interwoven stories and their wrestling with the effects of simple choices.

Like a battered wife wondering when to leave and find home at last because, 
 

The strangers in this town,
They raise you up just to cut you down
Oh Angela it's a long time coming

Let the exits pass, all the tar and glass
'Til the road and sky align

Notice the taxi at the end?

It's driven by a mother whose wrestling with loneliness and who could have had the love of her life but couldn't. Because of a black dress and her father in a casket. 

So I drive a taxi, and the traffic distracts me
From the strangers in my backseat, they remind me of you

But I was late for this, late for that, late for the love of my life
And when I die alone, when I die alone, when I die I'll be on time

 

But what if? 

What if we pack a toothbrush, take a withdrawal slip, and take all of our savings out?

What if we rail against our dying day?

Cause if we don't leave now, we might never make it out. 

 

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Judah misses China; Dad, Pizza Hut.

Homesick

Yesterday, all day, Judah missed his home, China. He missed his teachers, his friends, his room, his house, and his neighborhood. From the moment he got up to well after he should have been asleep, China was on his mind. He even asked if we would consider moving back, "Because it's home," he explained, "And it's better than America."

So, naturally, I asked if I could take his picture. "Why?" he asked.

"Because I think it's good to remember the hard times too." Then, we spent the evening writing old friends and reminiscing about our days in China. Judah said it all just felt like one long dream. 

Then today, things were better, but I couldn't stop thinking about some of our discussions and how, within a few months, Judah's memory of China had changed so much. It wasn't that he ever hated China, it was just that he was so excited to be here, in America, with green grass, beautiful skies, and several planned camping adventures.

So, out of curiosity, I looked up how many days he and I have been back in the US: 87. Then, I looked up day 87 on my "Last Hundred Days of China" countdown. 

Here's what I found:

Day 87 : Days like this

When it's not always raining there'll be days like this
When there's no one complaining there'll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this

 
This evening, when I sat down to write, these lyrics, "There'll be days like, there'll be days like this" ran through my head and I had to look it up. I didn't know it was a Van Morrison song, but I recognized the tune. The lyrics also seemed appropriate.
Working and living in a small community, at times, is like living in a crawl space; it's confining, dark, and it stinks. There aren't many days like this, but when there are, like a thick blanket of pollution that steals away the joy of the sun, they're suffocating. 
When everyone is up front and they're not playing tricks
When you don't have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
When it's nobody's business the way that you wanna live
I just have to remember there'll be days like this
I've been wrestling with several ideas this past week, ideas about unity and thoughtful disagreements and how to be promotors of the Faith through mindful discussions, but very limited time to actually write them out. I've also been wanting to document my final days in this country I've loved and lived and worked in for just under five years. I've been trying to find a balance between working hard, leaving well, having a baby, loving my kids, finding a job, serving my wife, and maintaining my sanity; I've been trying not to check out early (as I am often prone to do) and be present, to keep investing. 
When no one steps on my dreams there'll be days like this
When people understand what I mean there'll be days like this
When you ring out the changes of how everything is
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this
But days like these have me wanting to pack my bags and leave it all behind (minus the baby, kids, and Momma of course . . . and perhaps a few books).
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Days like this. I want to remind myself of days like this because, as much as I love China and my job and the people I work with and the people I meet on the streets, I also want the last 100 days of me being here to be appropriately represented, not fabricated or dishonest. I want it to be a true goodbye.
Right now, Josey and I are battling the tendency of accidentally making America heaven. The "Just wait till we get to America," or, "In America we'll . . ." but they come without warning and bring great devastation because America isn't the promised land, and our baggage and weaknesses and faults will hop on the plane with us. We will still have days like this.
But I also don't want to look back and read through this blog and think, "Wow, in China, there was no hurt, no struggles, and no broken relationships. It was heaven!" Because it isn't. 
Leaving well, I think, also means leaving honest. It means reconciling what can be, affirming those we'll miss, and nodding at the things we won't, with a sort of, "It's okay, really, but goodbye" sort of understanding and a no-hard-feelings handshake. Literally, and metaphorically.
I'm not there yet, ready to say goodbye with a good attitude, but I hope to be. That's even why I started this 100 Days thing . . . to walk through the process of saying goodbye, and to one day be able to look back and remember. All of it. 
The beauty and the pain. The joys and the sorrow. The triumphs. The disappointments. 
The days like this.

Reading it again today was encouraging, but also enlightening. Especially when compared to a small posting by Retro Ramblings and their remembrance of "When eating at Pizza Hut was an experience."

I miss the “glory days” of Pizza Hut.  That magical time in the 80’s and early 90’s when it was a destination, and not just somewhere to eat.  I’ve found recently that those days of yore are long gone, and what is left is what seems like a company struggling to hang on . . .
From the moment you walked in the place, you knew it was something special. You knew this was going to be something you’d remember, and it all started with the decor. The interior didn’t look like a fast food joint with it’s huge, sprawling windows, and cheap looking walls, or tiled floors. When you walked in, you were greeted by brick walls, with smaller windows, that had thick red fabric curtains pulled back, and a carpeted floor. It just felt higher-class than walking into McDonalds or Burger King.
The booths were high-backed, with thick padded vinyl seats and back rests. The high backs was also different from your usual eating out experience. These high backs gave you a sense of privacy, which was great for a date night. Also great for a date night were the candles on the tables. Those little red glass candles that were on every table, and were lit when you got to your seat. It was a little thing, but when added to everything else, it was quite the contribution. Your silverware was wrapped in a thick, cloth napkin that beat the heck out of the paper napkins everyone else was using at the time. And you could always count on the table being covered by a nice, red and white, checkered table cloth.

Exactly. For me Pizza Hut was one of the first places I was allowed to go to without parents, which meant traveling a few miles away from home and entering the dark adult world where my friends and I could get lost in those high-backed benches and our own personal-panned pizzas. Remember those? How you could earn a free one just for reading a few books? I never read any but I sure had more than a few free four-sliced pizzas. 

Also, there was this: "The arcade game they featured at my local Pizza Hut, and I believe most of them is kind of iconic in it’s own way.  It was a machine that featured two games.  Mrs. Pac-Man and Galaga.  The unique feature was that it was a sit down cabinet, with a chair on each side in which you and a partner / opponent could both sit comfortably and play."

It's easy, I think, to look back on the "glory days" of years past and remember how great it was, mainly because we tend to forget how shitty it was. 

It's also easy to always want and anticipate what's next because, like America from China, it can't be anything but perfect. 

Yet, we allow both to completely steal from the now.

In a recounting of the time she almost cheated on her husband and ruined her marriage, Jane Green has this to say about life in the past, present, and future.

"The grass isn't always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it."

It's always good to remember those we've known and loved and the places we've seen and miss. It's also important to dream, to know where you want to go, and to strive and work at achieving those goals. But spinning the record too fast will bring us to the end too soon. 

Today, I've been given right now, and although there's pain and sadness and longings for things past and things to come, the music playing is still pretty damn good. And whenever I stop long enough to actually listen it, pretty quickly I realize the song that is playing is actually really, really good. 

I just need to turn up the volume. 

 

The Drone King, a previously unpublished Kurt Vonnegut short story

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The Atlantic has just put up a previously unpublished short story by Kurt Vonnegut, The Drone King. It’s about bees.

He examined the card for a long time. “Yes,” he said at last. “Mr. Quick is expecting you. You’ll find him in the small library — second door on the left, by the grandfather clock.”

“Thank you,” I said, and I started past him.

He caught my sleeve. “Sir—”

“Yes?,” I said.

“You aren’t wearing a boutonniere, are you?”

“No,” I said guiltily. “Should I be?”

“If you were,” he said, “I’d have to ask you to check it. No women or flowers allowed past the front desk.”

I paused by the door of the small library. “Say,” I said, “you know this clock has stopped?”

“Mr. Quick stopped it the night Calvin Coolidge died,” he said.

I blushed. “Sorry,” I said.

“We all are,” he said. “But what can anyone do?”

An audio version of the article is available.

The story is one of five that Vonnegut wrote in the early 1950s that were recently discovered in the author’s papers. These five, plus all of Vonnegut’s other short stories, will be out in book form later this month.

* This post was cut and pasted from kottke.org

 

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Short Stories  :  Kurt Vonnegut's greatest writing advice

 

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Wall Drawing 797: An "intricate visual butterfly effect"

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How does one person’s actions influence the next person’s actions in a shared space? Sol LeWitt’s wall drawings explore this intricate visual butterfly effect in the collaborative art entitled Wall Drawing 797, a conceptual piece that can be drawn by following LeWitt’s instructions. (He died in 2007.)

Scandinavian countries call it the "red thread," the thing that ties all of us together in theme, message, and purpose. 

The first drafter has a black marker and makes an irregular horizontal line near the top of the wall. Then the second drafter tries to copy it (without touching it) using a red marker. The third drafter does the same, using a yellow marker. The fourth drafter does the same using a blue marker. Then the second drafter followed by the third and fourth copies the last line drawn until the bottom of the wall is reached.

The drawing was conceived with student participation in mind and was first executed by four Amherst College sculpture students. "The wall drawing represents a return to the linear repetition that Sol LeWitt explored in his wall drawings of the late 1960s and 19‘70s. The instructions for the drawing direct draftsmen to copy, without touching, the line made by the previous draftsman. The repeated process becomes an exploration of the intricacies of the line. This reflects LeWitt’’s belief that “the draftsman’’s contributions are unable to be predicted by the artist…”. As the draftsman repeatedly copies the line, it becomes drastically altered from its original state, and the smooth original line becomes more and more nervous as it is redrawn."


Before drawing the initial line, the head draftsman drew test lines on paper and copied them in order to see how the different lines would evolve. The line that he eventually chose to draw in black marker on the wall was inspired by the hills of the surrounding Berkshires landscape. Each copy of this undulating line took the draftsman between ten and twenty minutes to execute. The process of copying takes intense focus. If draftsmen feel that they are about to lose focus and deviate from the previous line, they take a break, making sure to start at the exact spot from which they lifted the marker.

I have a giant wall, both in my classroom and in my house. Kinda want to draw a thick black line and see what happens. Maybe an Art Starts?

 

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Art  :  On Creativity  

 

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