“If your gonna make your kids tough, which they better be if they’re gonna survive in the world, you can’t interfere when they’re doing dangerous things carefully.”
- Jordan Peterson
This advice has been on the forefront of my thoughts recently, but not necessarily because of the way the statement was intended. Where my mind has gravitated towards is how this statement plays out in the context of leadership. More specifically, how we as leaders engage in conversations with those we lead.
As leaders, if we do not encourage those we lead to engage in potentially dangerous conversations, not only will we not survive our position, our schools, churches, and companies will crumble because we won’t learn anything. And if we aren’t learning, we aren’t growing.
Below are five ways we can improve ourselves and those we lead by carefully engaging in dangerous conversations:
Keep it Secret. Keep it Safe: If those we lead know that our conversation isn’t secret, isn’t safe, if they know that we will share information with others, then for them, the conversation is dangerous. As a leader, no matter what is shared with us, be it work related or not, whatever we hear must be kept safe from the ears of others. Once the secret is out, we are no longer trusted. And if we aren’t trusted, we aren’t safe. And once word gets out that we aren’t safe, we no longer have an ear to our schools or community, losing all opportunity to impact others and make change. The talking will continue, just not with us for it will often be about us. And that is a dangerous place to be.
Helpful Phrase: “It’s not my story to tell.” This allows you the ability to acknowledge that you know about the situation but are unable to share, instilling trust in those around you that when you have important information you keep secret, you keep it safe.
Don’t take it Personal. Make it Personal: When someone shares dangerous information, often times it is dangerous for them, not us. It might be hurtful or hard to hear - especially if what is being said is a critique on who we are and how we lead - but we are still the one who can do something about it. If we take the information personal, we discourage people from sharing hard information with us because they don’t want to hurt our feelings or make us upset. Nor do they want to jeopardize their job or position. If we make it personal, however, we acknowledge our role and our responsibility. We accept what is being said and commit to doing something about it. And when we do that, we create a safe environment that encourages further conversation and builds a culture of trust. When we take it personal we get defensive. When we make it personal we take action.
Helpful Phrase: “I can do better.” Because we can. No matter the complaint or charge against us, as the leader, we are ultimately responsible. We may not have the answer - yet - but making the situation personal and taking ownership is as good a place as any to start. For us, and for those we lead.Circle Back: This is most important. Making people feel heard is important, too. So is keeping their information secret and safe. But circling back, revisiting a conversation or acting on information heard is crucial to creating a safe place because it is the manifestation that you are indeed listening to them, and that we truly do care. When someone shares information with us, often times they are doing so because they trust that we are going to circle back around and do something about it. As a leader, we may not always be able to solve the problems of our staff - largely because they are bigger than who we are and our position - but we can always, always, circle back and check in on our staff, but only if we truly care about them. Just like we would turn the car around for our wallet or favorite pair of sunglasses, circling back to our staff establishes importance. It shows that we not only care enough to think about them, but that they are important enough to spend our precious time circling back.
Helpful Phase: “I’ve been thinking about you.” It’s simple, but it’s also effective. Largely because we only think about the things we care about. Writing a card, sending a text, bringing coffee - or whatever - lets people know they are important enough for us to think about. “I’ve been thinking about you” means I haven’t forgotten about you. Which is huge. Because nobody wants to be forgotten.Protect Your Culture. Establish Boundaries: As leaders, it is important for us to be vulnerable because it makes us personable and relatable. But only if we have established boundaries. As Brene Brown explains, vulnerability without boundaries can be dangerous because it is manipulating. When leaders share their struggles, their hurts and frustrations they build connections with their staff. Which is great! When done without boundaries, however, vulnerability becomes dangerous. When a leader shares too much or too often about their struggles, their shortcomings, or their doldrums about the profession (be it the kids, parents, or even their own bosses), two things will occur. One, it will set s standard that complaining and negativity is not only acceptable, it’s the default. The second reaction will be that those you lead will begin to lose faith in your ability to lead. Being human is perfectly acceptable. Being incompetent is not - even if that’s how we feel. As a leader, you carry immense power over the culture of your school. Protect your culture with strong boundaries, not open gates.
Helpful Phrase: “We got this!” As a leader, it is imperative that we continually push our cultures and ourselves towards improvement. Being ignorant or ignoring issues is dangerous. So too is wallowing in them. Accepting them, however, as challenges to overcome not only encourages a positive culture, it unifies a culture. When we say to our staff, our students, “We got this,” we are admitting that there is an issue (establishing trust in our judgement), but we build and establish confidence that we will overcome - that we are capable! Which not only inspires hope, it encourages confidence. In their leader and in themselves.
Look past the words. See the story: “In order to think,” Jordan Peterson says, “you have to risk being offensive.” This is oftentimes difficult because it is the words that sting, that resonate, and that stay with us. But beyond the words is a story, and as a leader it is our job to get beyond the spoken words and dig deeper into what is actually happening. Are they afraid? Scared? Or hurt? Because if so, their words might be aggressive, defensive, or accusatory. Which is what makes true and meaningful conversations so dangerous. We can get so focused on the surface of the conversation that we neglect to see what is actually happening. But as a leader, that is our job. To look past the words and see the story. Because it’s not about us, its about them. And they need to know that.
Helpful Phrase: “Say more.” As leaders, often times our first instinct is to speak up, to provide advice, share a story, or provide explanation. We want to solve the problem or defend our position. But just as often, when those we lead share their hearts, they’re not looking for a solution or an explanation. They just want to be heard. “Say more,” allows them that opportunity while also providing us space. Space from the specific words and therfore distance from the emotions they are invoking. And when we get distance, we get perspective. We see the story. Which, in the end, is really what it’s all about.
Engaging in conversation, in true and meaningful dialogue where ideas are expressed, where personal stories are told, and our hearts and minds and fears and dreams are laid bare, is a very dangerous thing. Done carefully, however, it can change a culture and a community. It can encourage, inspire, and truly save lives. But only if we’re willing to sit, listen, and get beyond ourselves. Which for many - myself included - is often a very difficult thing to do.
But that doesn’t mean we stop trying. Because as leaders, we’re not allowed to; as humans, we can’t afford to. Doing dangerous things carefully by engaging in safe and meaningful conversations is our job, our calling, and our responsibility. So let’s get after it!
We got this.
