Life, From our Neighbor's Window : A short Film

I really appreciated this video, and for a variety of reasons. For one, it was really well done! Especially the scene with the tea. For some reason, watching that little piece of paper that is connected to the tea bag drift down the mug as the water pushed the tea bag to the top was so incredibly satisfying and real. So too was the tension, the life, and the moments of every day married life.

There was also a great deal that I could relate to.

Strangely, one of them was a naked neighbor. While living in China, we absolutely saw the lives of others who lived just across the way. And yes, one of them loved to live life naked, and without curtains. Fortunately, our relationship with him was more like that of Ugly Naked Guy from Friends. We never knew him or met him outside on the street. We just noticed him, as we did the dishes or poured ourselves a late night tea. We never ordered binoculars.

We do, however, find ourselves much like the married couple in that we can sometimes spend time in our days wishing for other things. Things like peace and quiet and the ability to finish conversations. Or, just as the short film portrays, to be young and vibrant and social again. At times we even wish that life were different. That we were different.

Sometimes, we want to be young again.

And in that regard, this short film hit close to home. Which is why the ending - the reminder - was all the more powerful: life is not greener on the other side, it is greener where we water it.

And in order to water it, one must be present. Which I can often times have a difficult time doing. So too does my wife. She just does it in a different direction. While she tends to want to redo the past; I often long for a better future. Left alone, neither is all that helpful, but both have their role.

Just like the two neighbors experienced, considering the past and the mistakes made can impact and improve the future. It can also dull the present. Planning for a better future requires analyzing and improving the now - which is great! But it can also pull the joy out of the present.

In order to be healthy, both perspectives require a stable and consistent dose of living in and absorbing the present. Be it with a newly discovered relationship and the spontaneity and freedom it allows, or an experience and a routine relationship that is filled with diapers, bills, and occasional nights off, it is essential that we turn our backs to the window and absorb the present. Because whether we like it or not, it’s what we have. And whether we believe it or not, we have control over it. As well as our perceptions of it.

And that, for me at least, is an encouraging thought. It is also a great reminder to put away the phone, get on the floor with the kids or crawl onto the couch with my wife - no matter how tired I am.

If I don’t, I’ll spend my days staring out windows, missing and wishing for life.

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Short Films:  Documentaries 

Favorite Podcasts : August

1. The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships, by On Being

I'll admit it, without shame, that this podcast was by far my favorite from this past week. It's fantastically convicting and encouraging, and it's also deeply human. 

Here's the summary as written by On Being:

What if the first question we asked on a date were, "How are you crazy? I'm crazy like this"? Philosopher and writer Alain de Botton's essay "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person" was one of the most-read articles in The New York Times in recent years. As people and as a culture, he says, we would be much saner and happier if we reexamined our very view of love. Nowhere do we realistically teach ourselves and our children how love deepens and stumbles, survives and evolves over time, and how that process has much more to do with ourselves than with what is right or wrong about our partner. The real work of love is not in the falling, but in what comes after. 

Whether you're married, dating, single, or a combination of them all, check this podcast out. It's a keeper. 

 

2. Life, Interrupted, by Hidden Brain

- This one came to me from my sister, thanks Jenna! - 

"The human brain has become one of the main capitol resources in our economy", yet our understanding of attention and multitasking - of the impacts of text messages and emails - is extremely limited (Did you know it takes your brain, roughly, 20 minutes to switch from task to task? I didn't).

After listening to this podcast, I have a lot of simple (yet profound) changes to make. And not just for productivity sake, but for life and happiness and for cultivating deep relationships (coincided with The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships, the practicality of this podcast increases significantly). 

: Habits of Systematic Mindfulness :

1. No social media

2. Organize time

   1. Set strict hours of work

   2. Plan out day

   3. Don't let mood dictate how the day will go

3. Get comfortable with annoying people

   1. Set expectations of availability

   2. No quick answers

4. Tally hours of "deep work"

   1. Block out "deep work hours" well in advance

5. Create a Shutting Down ritual 

   1. Leave nothing hanging

   2. Say a mantra out loud, something like, "Schedule shutdown complete."

3. Declutter, by The Minimalists

They don't like advertisements. But really, they don't need them, because they do enough of it themselves.

To get to the sauce of this podcast, you'll have to endure more then enough self-promotions, casual links to their books, essays, and ways you can support them, but in the end, it's all worth it. And by end I mean the first 20 minutes or so because that's where they wrestle with and answer some pretty great questions. Questions like:

• What is one thing you always thought you wanted, but then, once you got it, you no longer wanted it? 
• How do you gradually declutter your home?
• How do you explain greed in our society?

You can stop listening after these, if you're stretched for time, it does get a bit too preachy. But there's still good stuff in there.

4. Has Lance Finally Come Clean, by Freakonomics

I've never been a huge Lance or Tour de France fan, but I am a fan of this podcast mainly because it wrestles with the process of reconciliation, personally, relationally, and (for those unfortunate few) publicly. 

At the time I listened to this I was dealing with a difficult relationship, still am actually, but at that particular time it was a very broken relationship (no, I won't tell you who it is) and Lance's journey, his thought process and his full circle of understanding hit home. 

Here's an excerpt from my favorite section, where Lance is describing why he finally took ownership of what he did and stopped trying to convince everyone (and himself) why he was being seen and treated unfairly.

Look, “betrayal” is a terrible word. It’s a word that nobody wants, a child to their parent or friend to another friend, a spouse to a spouse, a C.E.O. to — whatever. It’s a very heavy word. Complicit is 100x. For me, I had already started to get my mind and my heart around the fact that people had suffered this tremendous amount of betrayal, and then I was hit with complicit. And it just — it rocked me to the core. But it was, I tell you, it was the greatest — her name is Melissa — it was the greatest gift that anybody has given me the last six years.

And the story he tells after this, the one where a guy is standing on a bar balcony yelling, "F*** you!" is just beautiful.

5. Grass is Greener, by the Moth 

Okay, I'll be honest. I listened to this podcast over a year ago, but I've thought about it a lot recently, and many times in-between. Not only is she a great storyteller, but her conclusion of happiness (for her it's marriage but really, it can be anything - job, community, kids, whatever) is spot-on. 

"The grass isn't greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it." 

Sheesh, that's good. And so, so right.

I hope you enjoy!  If you have any favorites, send em along! I'm sure I'll listen to them at one point or another. 

If you want more, check out these top five favorites or peruse over here to your heart's content.

Thanks for reading!

Broadening "we" and shrinking "they."

Mike Monteiro’s wrote "a really moving essay on what turning 50 means to him, and how he’s expanded his personal definition of “us” and “we” along the way, moving from his family, to his immigrant community, to a group of punk art school outcasts, to a wider and wider world full of people who are more similar than different" (via).

When we arrived in the United States in 1970, we settled in Philadelphia because it was the home of a lot of Portuguese immigrants from the small town my parents (and I guess me) came from. And so the we grew from a family unit to a community of immigrants who looked out for each other. We shopped at a Portuguese grocery store because they gave us credit. We rented from a Portuguese landlord because he wasn’t concerned about a rental history. And my parents worked for Portuguese businesses because we didn’t come here to steal jobs, but to create them...

This same community also looked out for each other. When there was trouble, we were there. When someone was laid off a construction job for the winter, we cooked and delivered meals. When someone’s son ended up in jail, wefound bail. And when someone’s relative wanted to immigrate, we lined up jobs and moved money to the right bank accounts to prove solvency...

But as anyone who has ever grown up in an immigrant community knows,wealso demands athem. They were not us. And they didn’t see us as them either. And at the risk of airing immigrant dirty laundry in public, I can attest that immigrant communities can be racist as fuck.Wehated blacks.Wehated Puerto Ricans. (It wasn’t too long ago I had to ask my mom to stop talking about “lazy Puerto Ricans” in front of her half-Puerto Rican grandchildren.)Wehated Jews. In our eagerness to show Americans we belonged,weadopted their racism. (We also brought some of our own with us.)...

I love the honesty of this piece. The brutal, self-effacing, real-as-shit (which is a strange phrase, really) writing because, if we are honest, we can relate - on some level. It doesn't read like a Facebook post, it reads like a heart felt, lessons from the soul post. And it's refreshing, even if it's hard. 

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Are we alone?

Maybe we're alone, or maybe there are billions upon billions of other planets and galaxies and life forms, just waiting to be discovered. 

Maybe not.

Either way, "Stay curious."

For more on . . .

-N- Stuff  :  Life Questions  :  TED Talks

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Power of Sport : Next Best Play

Sports today have become too much. Instead of teaching character and team work and all the things that would inspire Nelson Mandela to say, "Sport has the power to change the world," it has allowed entitlement, avenues for intense and devistating selfishness, and a skewed perspective of why we wake up in the morning. Sport has create monsters and set demons free

But it can, if we see beyond the rings, the celebrity statues, and free agency turmoil, still change the world; it can create men and women of character, and it can teach us how to live.

If we look for it.

Some background to this play is appropriate, I think, because this isn't a midseason possible throw away game. This is a do-or-die Game 7 playoff game. This is early 90's Bulls vs Knicks. This is Defending Champs vs Wanna Be Champs. For these players, this is life.

But in these 20 seconds, for us, it is so much more than a game - it can define and teach us about Life.

On Preparation:

Once Jordan catches the ball, his thousands of hours in the gym, practicing, kick in and he goes on auto-pilot. He doesn't think about what to do or where to go or how to play, he just plays, and finds success.

But how Jordan responds to his success is crucial.

On Celebrating:

Jordan has just split the defense, against one of the best defensive teams of that year, and made a pretty difficult layup. Job well done, right? Even the announcer is excited.

But Jordan doesn't siimply turn and jog bag, basking in a "that was awesome" mindset. He doesn't take the next few seconds off or "put his feet up," he immediately gets back to work. Watch it again, he IMMEDIATELY turns and runs back, ready for the Next Best Play.

And then he makes it. He makes on over-the-shoulder steal. 

Then he stumbles.

On Failure:

The ball is stolen and quickly headed in the other direction for a clear and easy layup. But Jordan doesn't sulk, complain to the ref that he was fouled, or watch from mid-court, content with "I did my best." He takes off, chasing down McDaniel and the Next Best Play.

And then he makes it. 

On Life: 

Nothing comes easy, or free. We have to put in the time, the effort, and the work. Everyday.

In our friendships, marriages, jobs, and Life. 

When things are going well, pumping our fists or throwing celebrations can get us off track, or left behind, while the other team is scoring on the end. This is when our marriages relationships begin to crumble, because we've stopped working, stopped pursuing the Next Best Play. 

And when we most fail, as we most suredly will, sulking or pointing fingers won't save us. But it will delay us, set us back, and get us ever closer to losing "the game" - whatever that might be.

This truth may be obvious and easy to grasp, but it is difficult to follow, because sometimes, it just doesn't seem true. Sometimes, after hours and hours of work and effort, the victory, whether great or small, doesn't come. Because we don't get the ball. Or worse, because we never leave the bench. Sometimes, it seems, our lot in life might be to work just as hard - or even more so - than the other guy, but never play, just support and encourage and slide further down the bench as others come off the court.

I know I feel this way often. And when I do, it can be really hard to keep practicing, to keep hoping I might one day be called upon, and to support the stars - especially when they're jerks, like Jordan.

But pouting, pointing fingers, or complaining for sure doesn't get me on the court. The Next Best Play does. Or at least, it increases the chances.

So lace up the shoes and head to the gym, ready for the Next Best Play.

For more on . . .

Purpose of Sport  :  -N- Stuff