Overture:
“Wouldn’t the beneficial elements of experience be more likely to manifest themselves around us? Is it not possible, if your goals were noble enough, your courage adequate, your aim at the truth unerring, that the Good thereby produced would . . . well, not justify the horror? (pg. xxiii).
Rule 1: Do Not Carelessly Denigrate Social Institutions for Creative Achievement
“People remain mentally healthy not merely because of the integrity of their own minds, but because they are constantly being reminded how to think, act, and speak by those around them” (pg 5).
“To name something - to use the word for the thing - is essentially to point to it, to specify it against everything else, to isolate it for use individually and socially” (pg. 7).
“Humility: it is better to presume ignorance and invite learning than to assume sufficient knowledge and risk the consequent blindness” (pg 17).
Rule II: Imagine Who You Could Be, and Then Aim Single-Mindedly at That
“Every society is already characterized by patterned behavior; otherwise it would be pure conflict and no ‘society’ at all” (pg. 56).
“Who dares wins - if he does not perish. And who wins also makes himself irresistibly and attractive, not least because of the development of character that ventures inevitably produces” (pg 80).
“It is in keeping with this that he is disciplined and courageous, but also willing and ready to break the rules when necessary (pg. 81).
“Everyone requires a story to structure their perceptions and actions in what would otherwise be the overwhelming chaos of being. Every story requires a starting place that is not good enough and an ending plce that is better” (pg 85).
“Those who break the the rules ethically are those who have mastered them first and disciplined themselves to understand the necessity of those rules, and break them in keeping with the spirit rather than the letter of the law” (pg 85).
“For better or worse, you are on a journey. You are having an adventure - and your map better be accurate” (pg. 86).
Rule III: Do Not Hide Unwanted Things in the Fog
“Have the damn fight!" . . . Life is what repeats, and it is worth getting what repeats right” (pg 91).
“Things fall apart of their own accord, but the sins of men speed their deterioration: that is wisdom from the ages” (pg 94).
“Freud failed to notice that sins of omission contributed to mental illness as much as, or more than, the sins of commission” (pg 97).
“Freud assumed that things experienced are things understood” (pg 97).
“Does the person being insulted care enough about you and your suffering to dig past a few obstacles and unearth the bitter truth?” (pg 102).
“If you really loved me, you would brave the terrible landscape that I have arrayed around myself to discover the real me” (pg. 103)
“A naive person trusts because he or she believes that people are essentially or even universally trustworthy. But any person who has truly lived has been - or has - betrayed” . . . these experiences open the door to “another kind of faith in humanity: one based on courage, rather than naivete. I will trust you - I will extend my hand to you - despite the risk of betrayal, because it is possible, through trust, to bring out the best in you, and perhaps in me” (pg 104).
“Extracting useful information from experience is difficult. It requires the purest of motivations to perform it properly. It requires the willingness to confront error, forthrightly, and to determine at what point and why the departure from the proper path occurred. It requires the willingness to change, which is almost always indistinguishable from the decision to leave something behind” (pg 106).
“The pathway to the Holy Grail has its beginnings in the darkest part of the forest, and what you need remains hidden where you least want to look” (pg 107).
“If you knocked, truly wanting to enter, perhaps the door would open. But there will be times in your life when it will take everything you have to face what is in front of you, instead of hiding away from a truth so terrible that the only thing worse is the falsehood you long to replace it with. Do not hide unwanted things in the fog” (pg. 108).
Rule IV: Notice That Opportunity Lurks Where Responsibility Has Been Abdicated
“It is a bad idea to sacrifice yourself uncomplainingly so that someone else can take the credit” (pg 111).
“What might serve as a more sophisticated alternative to happiness? Imagine it is living in accordance with the sense of responsibility, because that sets things right in the future. Imagine, as well, that you must act reliably, honestly, nobly, and in relationship to a higher good, in order to manifest the sense of responsibility properly” (pg 128).
“Your life becomes meaningful in precise proportion to the depth of the responsibility you are willing to shoulder. That is because you are now genuinely involved in making things better” (pg 134).
Rule V: Do Not Do What You Hate
“If you have acted honorably, so that you are a trustworthy person, it will be your decision to refuse to comply or to act in a manner contrary to public expectation that will help society itself maintain its footing. By doing so you can be part of the force of truth that brings corruption and tyranny to a halt. The Sovereign individual, awake and attending to his or her conscience, is the force that prevents the group, as the necessary structure guiding normative social relations, from becoming blind and deadly” (pg 149).
“We are not helpless. Even in the rubble of the most broken-down lives, useful weapons might still be found. Likewise, even the giant most formidable in appearance may not be as omnipotent as it proclaims or appears. Allow for the possibility that you may be able to fight back; that you may be able to resist and maintain your soul - and perhaps even your job” (pg 150).
“There are few choices in life where there is no risk on either side” (pg 152).
Rule VI: Abandon Ideology
“Opportunity lurks where responsibility has been abdicated” (pg 160).
“The meaning that sustains life in all its tragedy and disappointment is to be found in shoulder a noble burden. Because we have not been doing this, they have grown up looking in the wrong places. ANd this has left them vulnerable: vulnerable to easy answers and susceptible to the deadening force of resentment. What about the unfolding of history has left us in this position? How has this vulnerability, this susceptibility, come about?” (pg 161).
“If each of us lives by our own created and projected values, what remains to unite us?” (pg 164).
“Once the source of evil has been identified, it becomes the duty of the righteous to eradicate it. This is an invitation to both paranoia and persecution. A world where only you and people who think like you are good is also a world where you are surrounded by enemies bent on your destruction, who must be fought” (pg 176).
Rule VII: Word as Hard as You Possibly Can On at Least One Thing and See What Happens
“Proper discipline organizes rather than destroys” (pg 190).
Rule VIII: Try to Make One Room in Your Home as Beautiful as Possible
“Man shall not live by bread alone. And that is exactly right. We live by beauty. We live by literature. We live by art. We cannot live without some connection to the divine - and beauty is divine - because in its absence life is too short, too dismal, and too tragic” (pg 203).
Rule IX: If Old Memories Still Upse You, Write them Down Carefully and Completely
It is a psychological truism that anything sufficiently threatening or harmful once encountered can never be forgotten if it has never been understood” (pg 231)
“We must recollect our experiences and derive from them their moral. Otherwise, we remain in the past, plagued by reminiscences, tormented by conscience, cynical for the loss of what might have been, unforgiving of ourselves, and unable to accept the challenges and tragedies facing us” (pg 232).
“Actions based upon the desire to take responsibility; to make things better; to avoid temptation and face what we would rather avoid; to act voluntarily, courageously, and truthfully - these make what comes into Being much better, in all ways, for ourselves and for others, than what arises as a consequence of avoidance, resentment, the search for revenge, or the desire for mayhem” (pg 254).
“We are universally tormented by our consciences for what we know we should have done yet did not do” (pg 255).
Rule X: Plan and Work Diligently to Maintain the Romance in Your Relationship
“In a relationship where romance remains intact, truth must be king” (pg 272).
“Do not foolishly confuse ‘nice’ with ‘good’” pg. 281).
“They are not vital in the same sense that daily routines are vital” (pg 292).
“You should be truly terrified if you have been accepted as a date. A sensible person would think of their new potential romantic partner: ‘Oh, my God! You are either blind, desperate or as damaged as me!’” (pg 295).
Rule XI: Do Not Allow Yourself to Become Resentful, Deceitful, or Arrogant
“We all know you must forgo gratification in the present to keep the wolf from the door in the future” (pg 318).
“Invite the Evil Queen to your child’s life. If you fail to do so, your children will grow up weak and in need of protection, and the Evil Queen is going to make herself known no matter what steps you take to stop her” (pg 320).
“Conservatives are necessary for maintaining things the way they are when everything is working and change might be dangerous. Liberals, by contrast, are necessary for changing things when they are no longer working” (pg 323).
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