The school is dark, and quiet, at 3:45am. But it's 1:45pm in Montana, so that's why I'm here, so I can call another principal about a job I've applied for. I've called several.
The first one doesn't like doing Skype interviews, so sorry.
Several had already filled the position but didn't think I knew anything about where they were because I'm in China and sorry about that.
A few more were never in their office and never responded to my emails.
This principal, he was in a meeting, so I sent another email. Now it's 4:15 and school doesn't start for another four hours.
I knew applying from China would be hard, but I also thought the strength of my resume would overcome most any initial fears. So far, that hasn't been the case. I've also applied to two colleges in Wyoming, with even less hope of these working out because I don't have any college teaching experience. A chicken before the egg problem.
And yet, there's always a part of me that feels like I'm being lead somewhere, that doors are closing so that others will open . . . but I'm terrified that I'll miss it. That I won't see it or know how to get there, because education, HS education specifically, is all I know. It's all I'm qualified for.
But really, right now, I just need - want - a job. I'm tired of this, of applications and late nights or early mornings just to make a five minute call. I'm exhausted from thinking about it, wondering where we'll be, and how we'll live. Of searching websites and filling out applications.
I could really use this portion of the moving process taken off my plate.
I'm a tug-o-war of emotions because, deep down somewhere, I believe it will happen in His timing, that He hasn't turned His back or forgotten about us. But perhaps a bit deeper down, or hidden in dark corners, is the fear that, like Joseph, I may have to sit in silence for a while. A long while. Because there's some greater and bigger story happening that I'm not aware of. Which is okay, I think, but I know how Joseph's story ends. I don't know how mine will end and, I guess, my biggest fear is that the story is already happening, and that it's already moved on. That I, that we, won't get a chance to play a part. Like kids, after a parade, who scatter throughout the streets, searching for forgotten candies and dollar bills, while everyone else has gone home, laughing and talking about what a great time they had. This truly terrifies me.
These words just came to mind:
Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above
I'm going to find it on youtube. Just a second . . .
Aghhhh!!! This song, "Come thou Fount of Every Blessing," is one of my favorites and when I Youtubed it, I found this! My favorite "non-christian" band . . .
Come, Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy unchanging love
Here I raise my Ebenezer
Here there by Thy great help I've come
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let that grace now, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above
Come, Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy unchanging love
Which then lead me back to this!!!
Well I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun
But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess
'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So take my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind free from the lies
And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
Hm. . . hm.
You have my heart, Lord. Take and seal it, while I wait for you. Just like Joseph.