“Defining moments shape our lives, but we don’t have to wait for them to happen. We can be the authors of them . . . Our lives are measured in moments, and defining moments are the ones that endure in our memories.” They are, “grand in scale and rich in emotion (pg 5 and 6).

“Some moments are vastly more meaningful than others” and “We’re not very good at investing in such moments” (pg 11).

“A defining moment is a short experience that is both memorable and meaningful” (pg 12).

Four Categories for Defining Moments:

1. ELEVATION: A love letter. A ticket stub. A well-worn T-shirt. Haphazardly colored cards from your kids that make you smile with delight.

2. INSIGHT: Quotes or articles that moved you. Books that changed your view on the world. Diaries that captured your thoughts.

3. PRIDE: Ribbons, report cards, notes of recognition, certificates, thank-yous, awards.

4. CONNECTION: Wedding photos. Vacation photos. Family and Christmas photos - the first things you would grab if your house caught on fire.

“Why don’t we celebrate teachers for their 1,000th student taught?” (pg 26).

Moments of Elevation:

Build Peaks:

“It is very rare for parents to see their students’ work . . . They see swim meets. They see dance performances. They see plays. But it’s very rare for parents to see the academic work their kids do . . . nobody would go out for a basketball team if you never had a game. What is the game for the students?” (pg 51).

Fill pits, then build peaks. What’s striking, though, is that many business leaders never pivot to that second stage. Instead, having filled the pits in their service, they scramble to pave the potholes - the minor problems and annoyances. It’s as though the leaders aspire to create a complaint-free service rather than an extraordinary one” (pg 54).

To create a peak, “You create a positive moment with elements of elevation, insight, pride, and/or connection” and you must do three things: “First, boost sensory appeal. Second, raise the stakes. Third, break the script . . . Moments of elevation need not have all three elements but most have at least two. Boosting sensory appeal is about “turning up the volume” on reality” (pg 61).

“Beware the soul-sucking force of ‘reasonableness.’

Break the Script:

“To break the script, we’ve first got to understand the script” (pg 72).

“Just by disrupting routines, we can create more peaks” (pg 78).

“Suprise stretches time . . . fear and focus make time seem to expand. (So here’s one tip to live a longer life: Scare the hell out of yourself regularly)” (pg 86).

“We feel most comfortable when things are certain, but we feel most alive when they’re not” (pg 86).

Moments of Insight:

Trip over the truth

“Until the people in a given area wanted to change, the hardware was meaningless” (pg 99).

“You can’t appreciate the solution until you appreciate the problem” (pg 106).

“What great mentors do is add two more elements: direction and support” (pg 123).

Moments of Pride:

Recognize others

“More than 80 percent of supervisors claim they frequently express appreciation to their subordinates, while less than 20 percent of the employees report that their supervisors express appreciation more than occasionally. Call it the recognition gap” (pg 146).

“The proper pace of recognition is weekly or even daily, not monthly or yearly” (pg 146).

“Most recognition should be personal, not programmatic” (pg 147).

“Effective recognition makes the employee feel noticed for what they’ve done” (pg 148).

“The style is not important. What’s important is authenticity: being personal, not programmatic” (pg . 151).

Multiply Milestones

“Shouldn’t couples acknowledge and celebrate what they’ve accomplished together?” (pg. 166).

Practice Courage

“People often know what the right thing to do is. The hard part is acting on that judgment” (pg 186).

“The hard part isn’t knowing what the right thing to do is. The hard part is doing it” (pg 190) and “An act of courage can bolster the resolve of others” (pg 190).

“It is hard to be courageous, but it’s easier when you’ve practiced, and when you stand up, others will join you” (pg 193).

Moments of Connection:

Create Shared Meaning

For groups, defining moments arise when we create shared meaning - highlighting the mission that binds us together and supersedes our differences. We are made to feel united” (pg 211).

“If you want to be part of a group that bonds like cement, take on a really demanding task that’s deeply meaningful. All of you will remember it for the rest of your lives” (pg 216).

“Passion is individualistic. it can energize us but also isolate us, because my passion isn’t yours. By contrast, purpose is something people can share. it can knit groups together” (pg 218).

Deepen Ties

“Our relationships are stronger when we perceive that our partners are responsive to us” (pg 231).

Making Moments Matter

In the short term, we prioritize fixing problems over making moments, and that choice usually feels like a smart trade-off” (pg 256).

For more on . . .

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