The Art of Gathering: How we Meet and Why it Matters, by Priya Parker
Some of my favorite quotes/ideas:
Commit to a Gathering About Something:
“Does it stick its neck out a little bit? Does it take a stand? Is it willing to unsettle some of the guests (or maybe the host)? Does it refuse to be everything to everyone?” because “Gatherings that please everyone occur, but they rarely thrill. Gatherings that are willing to be alienating - which is different from being alienating - have a better chance to dazzle” (pg. 17).
But what re the ingredients for such a sharp, bold, “meaningful gathering”?
Specificity
Uniqueness
”Why is this gathering different from all my other gatherings? What is this that other gatherings are not?Disputable purpose
Some practical tips on crafting your purpose:
Zoom out: get a bigger picture of why what your doing matters (pg. 21)
Drill, baby, drill: Keep asking why you’re doing what you’re doing until you hit a belief or value (pg 22).
Reverse Engineer an outcome: “Thing of what you want to be different because you gathered, and work backward from there” (pg 23).
When there really is no purpose: Cancel. Give people their time back.
The Morasses of Multitasking and Modesty:
A modest host is “related to a desire not to seem to seem like you care too much - a desire to project the appearance of being chill, cool, and relaxed about your gathering” when, in reality, having a focus can do your guests a favor by having a focus (pg 29).
Purpose is your Bouncer:
”The purpose of your gathering is more than an inspiring concept. It is a tool, a filter that helps you determine all the details, grand and trivial. To gather is to make choice after choice: place, time, food, forks, agenda, topics, speakers. VIrtually every choice will be easier to make when you know why you’re gathering, and especially when that why is particular, interesting, and even provocative.
Make purpose your bouncer. Let it decide what goes into your gathering and what stays out” (pg 31).
How to Exclude Well:
“The crux of excluding thoughtfully and intentionally is mustering the courage to keep away your Bobs. It is to shift your perception so that you understand that people who aren’t fulfilling the purpose of your gathering are detracting from it, even if they do nothing to detract from it. This is because once they are actually in your presence, you (and other considerate guests) will want to welcome and include them, which takes time and attention away from what (and who) you’re actually there for. Particularly in smaller gatherings, every single person affects the dynamics of a group. Excluding well and purposefully is reframing who and what you are being generous to- your guests and your purpose (pg. 43).
“What if you held your next college reunion in a cemetary, reminding your classmates, directly if morbidly, that time is of the essence for fulfilling the ideals they professed in their youth” (pg. 58).
The Wonders of Generous Authority:
“Sometimes generous authority demands a willingness to be disliked in order to make your guests have the best experience of your gathering” (pg 81). This can best be done with three goals in mind:
Protect your guests - “We usually feel bad saying no to somone. But it can become easier when we understand who and what we are protecting when we say no” (pg 83).
Equalize your guests
Connect your guests
Create A Temporary Alternative World:
“Sometimes you need to spice things up . . . How do I mix things up at my next gathering?” (pg. 111)
No Ideas, Please. We’re Gathering
“Many gatherings would be improved if people were simply asked for their stories” (pg. 210) because a story “is about a decision that you made. It’s not about what happens to you. And if you hit that and you get your vulnerability and you understand the stakes, and a few other things, people will intuitively find great stories to tell, and as soon as they do, we know them. We know them as human beings. This is no longer my boss’s colleague. This is a real person who had heartbreak. Oh, I know that” (pg. 212).
The Dark Theme
“If guests often bring their stump rather than sprout speeches to events, if they often talk of their theories rather than their experiences, then organizers can succumb to their own kind of phoniness. They insist on keeping gatherings positive, especially when choosing themes. The meaningful gatherer doesn’t fear negativity, though, and in fact creates space for the dark and the dangerous’ (pg. 212) . . .
“the best themes were not always the sweet ones, like happiness or romance, but rather the ones that had darker sides to them: fear, Them, borders, strangers. The ones that allowed for many interpretations. The ones that let people show sides of themselves that were weak, that were confused and unprocessed, that were morally complicated.
Sadly, themes like these are exiled from so many of our gatherings. Far too many of them, especially more professionally oriented ones, are run on a cult of positivity. Everything has to be about what’s going well, about collaboration, about hope and the future. There is no space for what our guests were telling us they wanted at the dinners: a chance to pause and consider what is not uplifting but thought- and heart-provoking” (pg 213)
The Invitation Matters
“If you want to try this type of gathering, centered on people’s real selves rather than their best selves, you need to warn them” (pg. 220).
Host, Reveal Thyself
“Early in the gathering, you, the host, need to go there yourself. You need to show them how” (pg 222).
Cause Good Controversy
Controversy “of the right kind, and in the hands of a good host, can add both energy and life to your gatherings as well as be clarifying. It can help you use gatherings to answer big questions: what you want to do, what you stand for, who you are. Good controversy can make a gathering matter” (pg. 225).
Good Controversy Doesn’t Just Happen
“Good controversy is the kind of contention that helps people look more closely at what they care about, when there is danger but also real benefit in doing so. To embrace good controversy is to embrace the idea that harmony is not necessarily the highest, and certainly not the only , value in gathering. Good controversy helps us re-examine what we hold dear: our values, priorities, nonnegotiables. Good controversy is generative rather than preservationist. It leads to something better than the status quo. It helps communities move forward in their thinking. It helps us grow. Good controversy can be messy in the midst of the brawling. But when it works, it is clarifying and cleansing - and a forceful antidote to bullshit” (pg. 233).
“What do you think is the most needed conversation for this group to have now?” (pg. 239).
Grade: A-
There is a lot of good stuff in here. A lot. There’s also some dragging on moments. But overall, as a father, friend who likes to host, and administrator, its a great and extremely purposeful read.
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