We Need to Talk, by Celeste Headlee


As in many other cases, this book is probably best read as a short pamphlet or heard in 18 minutes or less TedTalk. It just gets repetitive, preachy, and a bit shallow as it tries to fill the non-fiction quota of pages.

“The ease of having ‘friends’ online might make people more likely to just tune out when they don’t feel like responding to others’ ‘problems.’ (pg 23)

It’s not about what someone can do for you, it’s who the two of you become in each other’s presence (pg 25)

Make a list of things people do in conversation that bother me. Do they repeat themselves? Ramble on? Interrupt? Then, ask if you do those things often or just once in a while (pg 45)

Story of Xernona and Craig – She didn’t set out to change his mind, rather change his heart, because, “you’ve got to change a man’s heart before you can change his behavior” (pg 62).

Halo and horns effect – the tendency to lump people into groups

“When we enter a conversation, all of our preconceived notions – most of which have no basis in reality – will affect its outcome. No matter how right and true your opinion feels, you consider that it may be a stereotype and not fact” (pg 68).

“ . . . assume that everyone is trying to bring about some kind of positive result in their lives (pg 69).

“It really didn’t matter if I agreed . . . or not. What mattered is” the acknowledging of pain and allowing for the opportunity to speak about it (pg 79).

Conversation Narcissim: The desire to take over a conversation, to do most of the talking, and to turn the focus of the exchange to  yourself (pg 105).

“In time of stress, the best thing we can do for each other is to liste with our ears and our hearts and to be assured that our questions are just as important as our answers” (pg 165).


1.     Wired for Culture, by Mark Pagel

2.     Reclaiming Conversation, by Sherry Turkle

3.     My students don’t know how to have a conversation, 2014 Atlantic

4.     The Norton book of Frienships, by Ronald Sharp

5.     The power of Apology, by Beverly Engel

6.     Think like a freak, by Steven Levitt

Look Into: Loving Kindness Meditation